Shayla

Yesterday my husband came home from work upset. I got him to tell me that he had started reading a section of a book ( The Power of a Prayer to Change a Marriage, the section on infidelity) I had asked

 him to read and that it was really getting to him.

He seemed to need space, so we went about our evening routine. When we went to bed, I laid my head on his chest and noticed his heart was pounding like crazy, he seemed uncomfortable, so I turned over to read. After a few mins he started to get up. I asked him if he was ok, and he said no. I asked him what was wrong and he said everything was getting to him. I asked if he needed me to do anything and he said he needed to me to listen and not say anything until he finished talking. He told me he was lying to me and had been for a long time, that he does love me and always has but that he has never been faithful, starting before we got married. We had a pretty long conversation, then he left to drive around and clear his head. When he came home he got down on his knees and asked me to forgive him, he said he understood that I can't right now, but he hopes I can one day. He asked me to take him back and he told me he wasn't going to try to change but that he will change. He will become the man I deserve. Then he asked me to pray with him, which is something we have never really done together, at least not out loud.

I feel like God has worked on his heart and I might finally have the husband I have always wanted, but I have no idea where to go from here. We can't get back what we had, because that was a lie. We would have to build a completely new marriage. I don't even begin to know how to do that.

I'm so heartbroken, I feel sick. I feel stupid for feeling hopeful. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

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surviving
Shayla:  Boy oh boy!  If that isn't a repeat of what I heard 21 months ago.  Not only did my husband have sexual affairs, he found out he was a liar, arrogant, bitter, selfish, angry, and a procrastinator.  All that boiled down to one ugly man that I wished I hadn't married for so many years.  It took several months for all of that to come out.  Now that it has come out, he is working on changing himself.  He went to a counselor and did an online program called "Setting Captives Free" (http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/).  You would not believe how his anger has almost disappeared.  He has changed and is changing every day.  Maybe your husband would benefit from the online program my husband used.  There is also one for the betrayed spouse.  I felt the same things you did:  heartbroken, sick to my stomach, feeling stupid, and hurt that I was lied to all 35 years.  Your husband admitting his sin is the first step.  Now you both need to work on yourselves.  That is harder than you think!  There is NOTHING that you did to cause his affairs, but that doesn't mean there isn't work to do on both parties.  I am slowly learning that lesson. 
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Shayla
Thank you surviving, I will check out the program you linked.
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TimT
Shayla wrote:
...I feel like God has worked on his heart and I might finally have the husband I have always wanted, but I have no idea where to go from here. We can't get back what we had, because that was a lie. We would have to build a completely new marriage. I don't even begin to know how to do that...
It's a great first step, Shayla. With that kind of history, your husband is definitely going to need some kind of help to really understand why this has been such an issue for him and to guide him toward life-lasting change. Now is the time for him to take the first steps in doing so. If he hesitates or waits until "later" to get the assistance he needs, he'll lose the motivation to do so.

We all wish you well!!
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Shayla
Thank you TimT. We already had our second counseling session set up for today, we still plan to go but I think the homework he had us do from last week needs to be thrown out for now, since neither the counselor or myself new this information then.
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Shayla
There is a lot that I'm struggling with right now but the biggest thing that I'm not sure I will be able to get past is he admitted that part of the reason he got his vasectomy was so he could cheat without consequence.

When we first talked about having kids I wanted 6. After some discussion we decided that 3 or 4 sounded good. While pregnant with my daughter we found out my husband has a genetic disorder. We had our daughter tested after she was born and she has the gene, but that doesn't mean she will ever be symptomatic. When we found out our second was going to be a boy, my husband started talking about getting a vasectomy. After he was born and his test came back that he also has the gene my husband decided he was going to go ahead with the vasectomy, so as much as I didn't want him to I agreed thinking that he didn't want to keep passing on this gene. ( which he says is part of it)

He has told everyone that he got the vasectomy because it was so much easier on him than a tubal would have been for me and he didn't want me to have to take the pill forever, since we were done having kids. Which sounds really nice and thoughtful at the time I thought it was.

As much as I wanted to have at least one more child, I went along with it because I thought I understood his reasons. But I have always wished that he would have waited a bit before having the procedure, just in case he changed his mind.

Now, I'm so pissed off and hurt. He made the choice for me to have no more kids, so he could screw around without having to worry. I don't know what to do with that.




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Kalmarjan
Wow.

Is the procedure reversible though?

I can't imagine what you are going through. My wife has had many miscarriages, so I understand a bit of the pain for not being able to carry to term but to have the whole equation taken away from you.

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Shayla
Its possible it could be reversed but its more invasive with a longer recovery and my understanding is the longer it has been since the vasectomy the lower the changes of a reversal resulting in a pregnancy. It doesn't really matter now, its too late for more kids as far as I'm concerned and its definitely not the right time for another baby with everything going on between us. It more the fact that he lied so much and was so selfish. 


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