BeginAgain
18 Years ago, shortly before our wedding, my husband bought me a dress. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever owned; pale yellow chiffon with large grey and pink flowers on it. I knew I had to have it the moment I laid eyes on it, and though it was way out of our price range, he moved mountains to make it possible for me to own that dress.

I only wore it once - the day after we got back from honeymoon and attended a wedding. It made me feel like a real adult to wear it, so different from my usual attire of jeans and t-shirt. It made me feel beautiful, desirable and feminine; attributes that had been severely lacking in my self image.

Like many small things that, for no particular reason, attain some sentimental value throughout the course of a life together, that dress became one of my most prized posessions. It made my heart melt to look at it. It became a symbol of the way I felt that day, all the optimism and boundless hope I had. Whenever I caught a glimpse of it in my closet, I would smile and gently caress the fabric, reminded of hope and love and the promise the future holds.

That dress traveled with us for 18 years and through four major moves. I could never part with it. It was too dear to me and I looked forward to the day I could wear it again. It would have to be a very special occasion, like our 20 year vow renewal perhaps.

Three weeks after D-Day in January, I was cleaning out my closet, getting rid of all the clutter and clothing, shoes and jewellery I hadn't worn in a while. There was a car boot sale the next day where I intended on selling those items. When I came across my beautiful, special dress, I knew what had to be done. I took it out of the closet and tossed it on the pile of items that had to go.

That afternoon when my husband got home from work and saw the dress on that pile, he was shocked and surprised. He took the dress and hung it back in the closet. I took it out again and tossed it back on the pile. We went back and forth on it for a while, with him insisting that I keep it, as he knew how much it had meant to me and me insisting that it had to go. Eventually I broke down and started sobbing, screamed at him through my tears, "The young woman who wore that dress is dead! She's gone, along with all the hope she had for her life and marriage and she is never coming back." The next day I sold the dress for pocket change without a second thought. It had become worthless to me.

Sometimes I think he doesn't quite understand the magnitute of what he has done, how much he has destroyed. He has genuine remorse for what he did and for the pain he has caused me. He has held me while I screamed and raged through wracking sobs. He has seen me again for the first time in years. But he still doesn't understand how the way I see the world is now forever altered by his betrayal. Hopefully we'll get there. He is trying harder than ever before.
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Greyes128
BeginAgain, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week. This is still so new to you. Give yourself grace and the dreaded word time. I hated that word so much when I would ask what I had to do to get through this horrible pain. To this day I still don’t like it much but it’s what we all need when this happens. I put a lot of things away when I found out about my husband’s affair. I have a beautiful crystal frame from our wedding almost 29 years ago. It holds our wedding picture, I put that sucker up and my husband asked where it was and I told him the girl in it is dead and I never want to see it again. I still don’t want that picture it was full of hope but I have decided I want the frame back out. Honestly both people that my husband and I were are dead and gone but that’s good in a great way because now we know what we have and it’s worth fighting for. Our anniversary is in May and I want a new picture in it so I will do that sometime then. It’s been 2 years and four months for us. It was the worst two years of my life with some really great moments too.

They don’t understand the magnitude of what they have done.  My husband looked at me one day in the early days and burst into tears, he’s a tough military guy so I was shocked. I was exhausted and hadn’t slept or able to eat, I looked awful I’m sure and he saw the brokenness in me. He said I’m so sorry for destroying your life and our life, he said he was so sorry for being selfish and poured his heart out to me. He became a different man and is still evolving. I am becoming a different person because too. You will find happy moments and hope again during this recovery and there will be days of hurt, crying, and screaming. It’s normal but with time and work it will get better. I really feel like I rambled here and I’m sorry. 
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Damaged
BeginAgain , sorry you are here. After D day 1 I put on my wedding dress with plans to restyle in the future for vow renewal. After D day 2( continued phone calls) I was much more dramatic than you. I threw the dress on the floor, stomped on it, pulled all the pearls off, ripped the lace off and finally ripped it in two. I then moved on to the veil and my ‘throw boutique’. After that I put the cake topper and toasting flutes in a bag and smashed them in the driveway. I threw out everything single wedding item except our pictures. I only saved those because there were pictures of my dead parents in the album. I took down any wedding pictures and stuck them in the basement. It felt really good. When I finally told H he was upset. Explained that it was the best way to express my anger. I only regret that my daughter might want to use some of those things for her future wedding although I think they were tainted. 
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BeginAgain
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It's humbling to know there's someone out there keeping me in their thoughts, someone who completely understands what I'm going through. No one in our lives knows. We don't have the kind of relationship with our respective families that encourages disclosure without judgement. My closest friend of the past 25 years, the only one I would normally trust with an event of such magnitude, has been a serial cheater throughout the past 21 years. Being in the position of the BS has completely changed the way she and her moral curruption fits into my life.

My husband doesn't understand triggers, not yet. He doesn't understand how his betrayal colours my perceptions and it catches him off guard. He doesn't understand how we can be having a perfectly normal day, only for me to dissolve into a sobbing mess or turn into a raging monster. He doesn't understand that I never stop thinking about it and what he sees is just the tip of the iceberg.

Last weekend, for instance, we took a drive down the coast. Just cruised and stopped by beaches along the way. It was a lovely, relaxing day. On the way home though, I became acutely aware that they had had sex in the car. It was as if I developed tunnel vision and was looking through her eyes. I looked at the familiar interior and imagined her sitting in my seat, seeing what I saw. I wondered where her hands had been, what she had touched. I remembered when I got in the car one afternoon and immediately noticed the seat had been moved back. When I asked him who had been in the car, he swore high and low that nobody had been in the car. Gaslighting me. I wondered why the seat had been moved. Were her legs longer than mine? Was that the day they had sex? I still don't know exactly how that went down and I don't want to. What I imagine is painful enough without knowing specifics. I looked at him looking over at me, smiling at me, and I wondered whether he had looked at her the same way. I watched, as if from outside myself, as he reached over and put his hand on my leg. I wondered if he had done the same with her. I wondered whether she had reached over to touch him as he drove. And while these thoughts were rushing through my mind, making me increasingly anxious, he was blissfully unaware that I was rapidly coming undone right there next to him.

When he finally noticed how silent I had become and asked whether I was alright, it all came rushing out in a torrent of tears and anger. Every single thought. I told him that he had put her in my place. Freely given what was mine away to her. He literally took me out of the equation and put her where I belonged. He took everything that was special to me and gave it away without my knowledge or consent. I could see my words cut him deeply. He hadn't thought about it that way.

Yesterday he went to visit one of his clients for the last time, to say goodbye before leaving the company. This client has expressed an interest in signing us on once we have our company up and running. Because it is in the same town as the client where he met her, I Googled the location to see how far away it was... and found that the two streets where the companies were located literally intersected with one another. This was a massive blow and yet, when I brought it up that afternoon, he quipped that he didn't think it would be a problem. His nonchalant attitude about it sent me into a blind rage, and I stormed off hurling insults at him.

Later last night when I was calm enough to have a rational discussion, I explained to him how being that close to the location where the affair started was a major trigger for me. How acutely aware I would be of her proximity. How the knowledge that he probably drove up that street and turned that corner on his way to see her would tear me apart. 

We have a long way to go still, and he is slowly getting it, but it seems he sometimes needs an additional reminder of how much this has really cost me.
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anthro
Thanks for sharing this. 

I know exactly how you feel and, having in the past made my living writing, had a similar experience. I burned to ashes a whole lot of past work. There is just a line in time before which a different person lived in my body.

I don't believe, personally, that our WSes will ever understand or accept what they have wrought. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Sorry
anthro wrote:
Thanks for sharing this. 

I know exactly how you feel and, having in the past made my living writing, had a similar experience. I burned to ashes a whole lot of past work. There is just a line in time before which a different person lived in my body.

I don't believe, personally, that our WSes will ever understand or accept what they have wrought. 


I agree whole heartedly. It is like a murder that you didnt conciously intend on committing. In the aftermath of an affair, just like a murder the WS does have a few moments of disbelief, a huge desire to build a time machine and start searching for magical lamps because the finality and irreversibilty of what they have done is so permanent.

I read a quote about how it takes a lifetime to build a reputation and a second to destroy it. 

I can understand why thoughts of suercide are so high on both sides of the affair. 

You just want a do-over.
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hurting
I got rid of all wedding photos, rings etc. I used to treasure my rings and be so proud of them (this makes me LOL now bitterly) because of what they meant, and because he chose them. They now fill me with disgust and revulsion and are utterly meaningless. I could give them away or throw them in the bin for all I care. They’re foul broken things. And HIS is even worse. 

It really bothers me, when my WS fails to anticipate or understand a trigger. It is 100x worse if they act like whatever the trigger was ‘shouldn’t be an issue’. It’s grossly disrespectful and unthoughtful. It’s rubbing salt in the wounds. My WS acting and behaving in such a way SERIOUSLY set me back- every single time such an event took place, it would feel like he was downplaying my Pain, and twisting the rusty knife he stabbed into my back with his cheating, because he couldn’t be bothered to be careful and THINK about what his actions have cost me- and how his actions NOW are making that worse.

Thankfully, my WS has improved and is getting it a bit more. I’m not convinced he truly gets it- because how could he? He has NFI of the hell I live through on a daily basis, that HE has created to torture me with (with absolutely no thought behind the creation of such pain other than his own selfish wants). One would think though, that avoiding LOCATIONS which are linked to the affair would be pretty damn blatantly obvious. 
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Vanessa
I still get physically ill when I am in the State of Ohio, where the affair began, (thankfully for my health not very often) I feel some of the initial nausea I felt on Dday and it is 3 years out and I divorced him!  That betrayal still cuts so deep.  All the special "treasures and momentos of two decades are now just hurtful reminders that he wasn't the man I thought he was. 
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AnywhereButHere
I sometimes feel my WW doesn't understand or get it...but then, I also believe if she squarely faced it and owned it, at least right now, it might do her serious emotional and mental harm. 'Not getting it' may be your husband's defense mechanism for now.
BS, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
After 26 Yrs of Marriage
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Experiencethedevine29
BeginAgain, your dress sounds so beautiful, and reminds me of one my Mother wore when I was a baby. There’s a picture of her wearing it as she stands next to my Daddy with me in her arms.  She kept the dress, and I wore it on my 18th birthday, and several times afterward until it fell apart and I sadly had to let it go.

i just wanted to say that despite the awful association yours had for you,  and I’m so sorry it lost it’s lustre,  but you’ve given me a beautiful gift remembering. Thankyou. 

I  get the whole getting rid of triggers completely. I p****d my husband off royally when I shredded his treasured England rugby shirt after I discovered his concubine had bought it to replace the one he had...grrrrr.....🤬😡🤬.. I literally tore it into tiny pieces with my bare hands, and when he came in I said, ‘oh no! Look what happened in the washing machine!’...I was smiling, and the shreds were bone dry...oops..😁😂


You can wrap a turd in tin foil cover it with glitter and spray it with Chanel, it’s still a turd...


ETD🌻
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Keepabuzz
I also removed all triggering things from my home. I certainly didn’t ask permission. I just did it. Some things made sense to my wife, and some didn’t. I wasn’t at the point where I was was going to to be explaining anything to her. She was fine with whatever I wanted to throw away. If she hadn’t been, I would have put her name on the throw away list, and she knew it. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Experiencethedevine29
Keepabuzz wrote:
If she hadn’t been, I would have put her name on the throw away list, and she knew it. 


oh crikey Keepabuzz, I’m sorry I don’t want to offend, but that made me laugh so hard I spilt my tea!😂😂




You can wrap a turd in tin foil cover it with glitter and spray it with Chanel, it’s still a turd...


ETD🌻
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Hurting2014
I cried reading this. Hard.
I am sorry that this has to happen to you... to us.

BeginAgain wrote:
18 Years ago, shortly before our wedding, my husband bought me a dress. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever owned; pale yellow chiffon with large grey and pink flowers on it. I knew I had to have it the moment I laid eyes on it, and though it was way out of our price range, he moved mountains to make it possible for me to own that dress.

I only wore it once - the day after we got back from honeymoon and attended a wedding. It made me feel like a real adult to wear it, so different from my usual attire of jeans and t-shirt. It made me feel beautiful, desirable and feminine; attributes that had been severely lacking in my self image.

Like many small things that, for no particular reason, attain some sentimental value throughout the course of a life together, that dress became one of my most prized posessions. It made my heart melt to look at it. It became a symbol of the way I felt that day, all the optimism and boundless hope I had. Whenever I caught a glimpse of it in my closet, I would smile and gently caress the fabric, reminded of hope and love and the promise the future holds.

That dress traveled with us for 18 years and through four major moves. I could never part with it. It was too dear to me and I looked forward to the day I could wear it again. It would have to be a very special occasion, like our 20 year vow renewal perhaps.

Three weeks after D-Day in January, I was cleaning out my closet, getting rid of all the clutter and clothing, shoes and jewellery I hadn't worn in a while. There was a car boot sale the next day where I intended on selling those items. When I came across my beautiful, special dress, I knew what had to be done. I took it out of the closet and tossed it on the pile of items that had to go.

That afternoon when my husband got home from work and saw the dress on that pile, he was shocked and surprised. He took the dress and hung it back in the closet. I took it out again and tossed it back on the pile. We went back and forth on it for a while, with him insisting that I keep it, as he knew how much it had meant to me and me insisting that it had to go. Eventually I broke down and started sobbing, screamed at him through my tears, "The young woman who wore that dress is dead! She's gone, along with all the hope she had for her life and marriage and she is never coming back." The next day I sold the dress for pocket change without a second thought. It had become worthless to me.

Sometimes I think he doesn't quite understand the magnitute of what he has done, how much he has destroyed. He has genuine remorse for what he did and for the pain he has caused me. He has held me while I screamed and raged through wracking sobs. He has seen me again for the first time in years. But he still doesn't understand how the way I see the world is now forever altered by his betrayal. Hopefully we'll get there. He is trying harder than ever before.
Female, BS, D-day Mid 2014. Still sad. Trying to cope while no one else knows I am broken.
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Keepabuzz


oh crikey Keepabuzz, I’m sorry I don’t want to offend, but that made me laugh so hard I spilt my tea!😂😂




You can wrap a turd in tin foil cover it with glitter and spray it with Chanel, it’s still a turd...


ETD🌻


I’m glad you got a laugh!  Whew! Looking back on those early days, weeks, and months, (maybe the first year), I was something to behold!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Skelling
I destroyed wedding album and wedding certificate as well more out of anger than a trigger thing. But I can't look at my wedding ring and seeing his on his hand is a constant reminder of the betrayal. It really hurts. But I also threw away clothes, that I wore on dday, put away jewlery that he gave me for my birthday that year. It is sad that everything is stained now. 
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