Freewill76 Show full post »
You are very welcome, I truly hope that things begin to improve for you soon, and we are here for you whenever you need us.
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Freewill, I am a WS (almost 21 years together) unsure about divorcing at this point. Sometimes, it feels simpler to move forward separately than to keep coming home to a miserable, tense situation and rehashing the details and crying to each other and putting more into a relationship that already felt hopeless prior to my affair. Perhaps your WS is just using avoidance as a strategy to lessen his guilt and shame. I wonder if I feel the way I do because I am only 3 months out from DDay, just as I wonder if your WS will have a clearer head after more time passes.
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I can identify with a few things your WS is pulling. While I NEVER gave up any right to see my son, I CAN understand the allure to start over again. The reason why is it is hard to go back and fix what you've done wrong. 

I think in my case, once I stopped thinking about myself only, and considered how my wife and son felt, it was easier to go back. I won't lie, it was difficult. It's so worth it though. 

We have our setbacks. The other day I saw that my mother shared a link to a funny cat picture to my AP. (I was fixing her computer, as usual, I saw that they were still friends, and she sent the link.) That triggered intense regret and shame on my part. I brought that woman into my family, and I had no business doing that. 

Plus, my wife told me of a dream she had where I just up and told her that I was done with her, and I wanted a divorce. I have no idea where that was coming from. I asked her why she felt that way, and if I did anything... but I didn't. So, it never really goes away, but I've accepted that it's my fault for doing this in the first place.

Thing is, I DON'T want to give up. I just have to put the effort into making my wife feel safe. Thing is, it's a hard thing to do. Like picking up jello with your fingers after it's fallen on your grass outside. Not impossible, but difficult. That and the jello will never be the same. 

Don't give up on what matters here, and that's you. Eventually, your WS is going to realize that they are being selfish. The hope is that it will be soon enough that you'll be able to salvage something of your relationship. From there you can concentrate on your rebuilding. 
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