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lhennington
There were times it crossed my mind to ask the sexual details of my husband's affair, but I knew it would do more harm than good. BUT I CHOSE NOT TO ASK; I WAS IN CONTROL OF THAT PART of this hell I was experiencing. My husband answered questions I've asked and we've made great strides in our marriage. However, the one thing that has me 'stuck' is the same thing I feel many of you have said: I feel my husband is holding out on certain details by using the "I can't remember, I don't know, or I've blocked that part out" answer to some of my questions AND THATS THE PART I HAVE NO CONTROL OF & that hurts.
Any suggestions on what to do next, once he gives me the I don't know/I've blocked that part out answer??
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surviving
lhennington - I don't know if this will help or not, but when my husband said he couldn't remember what happened all 34+ years of his cheating, I kind of believed him.  I don't remember what happened yesterday, how can I expect him to remember 34+ years of cheating.  However, I have found out that if I am patient and ask the question a different way, or just repeat it at another time, some things he can recall or remember as you put it.  I don't know yet if I have all the truth, it seems to trickle in bit by bit. Maybe you should just give it time.  Maybe ask the question a little bit differently.  I know it has helped in our situation.  
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Keepabuzz
My wife also said she didn't remember certain things. I was not as smart as ihennington, I asked the details that I now wish I hadn't. But I do believe her, when she says she doesn't remember something. She was such a mess during her affair (looking back is easy to see, not so much while you live it). She told thousands of lies. I wouldn't be able to remember all of those if it was me. She said lots of unbelievably cruel things to me. There were some I had forgotten about. But when I do remember things, I tell her. Some may say that this me throwing it in her face, but I disagree. I don't do it in anger, I do it because all of those things have caused me SO much pain, and she deserves to know what she did. She doesn't deserve to not remember. She deserves to hear what she did and how it has affected me.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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surviving
Keepabuzz - I have read many times that the betrayed spouse is the one in control.  I am in control.  I decide when and what happens, not the cheater.  That has been the case most of the time in our situation.  I remind him of several things he said or did, and that gives him the opportunity to apologize and ask for forgiveness.  Otherwise, he might not apologize for everything.  Yes, it is hard for them to remember all the lies, but I tend to remind him of several of them.  He says it hurts him, so, how do you think I feel?  Reap and sow!
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Keepabuzz
I couldn't agree with you more. That was my point exactly, you just wrote it better. It's so they can know what exactly they did and what to apologize for in detail. I was so tired of the "I'm so sorry". Really? Do I have the flu? Did I sprain my ankle? There is no ownership in that. I told her I never wanted to hear just an "I'm sorry" again. Tell me what you're sorry for, exactly.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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surviving
Keepabuzz - we insist on our children saying:  "I was wrong for -----, would you please forgive me."  Then we both know what they did wrong, and we can forgive what they did.  If and when I reconcile (which I am not ready to do), I want my husband to tell me exactly what he did wrong and then I will forgive him for each and every wrong decision.  AND, there are many!
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Keepabuzz
Surviving,

That is exactly right!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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lhennington
I feel I've been patient. It's been 7 years since I found out. I think it scares me to think if I haven't been told certain details now, I probably will never be told @ this point.
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