Broken Show full post »
UrbanExplorer
Broken wrote:
i have a question it’s been 4 years since DDay and it seems everyone has moved on but me.  Here’s my question my husband has said he was physical with the affair partner one time.  I’m not sure I believe him.  Lately I’ve been tempted to ask the other woman.  What are your thoughts?  She has moved on from the affair married and had a child.  With that said I’m hoping she would have empathy as a wife and provide an honest answer.


I would not open this can of worms today. I don't  believe anything positive would come of it, just an opening of old wounds.
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hurting
I agree... the biggest thing here is what will it change for you? If it will change a LOT, then maybe... though asking the AP really doesn’t seem to be the best way to do this. If it won’t change your decision to stay, then don’t go there...
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Alexay02
I'm with Anthro on this one: will it really change anything to know this piece of information.  I think you should consider a few other things: if you do contact the AP, she may not want to speak to you at all.  Where would that leave you?  As you said, it has been 4 years, she's married with children and has put the affair behind her, she may not want to revisit that part of her life.  Another option is that she may lie to you and tell you that there was nothing sexual between them? where would that leave you?  As everyone else has said so eloquently, going down this path will not lead to any sense of relief or satisfaction, it's going to leave you with more questions.  Good luck whichever path you choose.
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Unconditional
It's been 4 years and it's still bothering you and you still have unanswered questions.  It's time to have a long sit down talk with her.  You need to get this all out in the open.  Invite your husband and her husband too this meeting.  If she does not want to meet, let her know you still have unanswered questions and you would like to give her the option to meet and discuss private setting rather than the grocery store line or her daughters graduation.  
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ABCOneTwoThree
It's been 4 years and it's still bothering you and you still have unanswered questions.  It's time to have a long sit down talk with her.  You need to get this all out in the open.  Invite your husband and her husband too this meeting.  If she does not want to meet, let her know you still have unanswered questions and you would like to give her the option to meet and discuss private setting rather than the grocery store line or her daughters graduation.  


This is kind of scary advice. 
In no way shape or form should the new husband of the ex OW be involved in this unless the ex OW decides it should be that way. He should not be invited to a “long sit down”, this literally has nothing to do with him.
If I happened to be married three years from now, and the partner of the man I was involved with contacted ME, I’d probably be pretty gracious, understanding and kind. If she contacted my husband, especially a husband who wasn’t in my life when the affair took place, I’d be livid, and it would not end well. 
Also, the suggestion that a long sit down takes the place of a public encounter sounds an awful lot like a threat. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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Cam28
My husband has admitted to not answering my questions about such things even if by omission.  He feels that it wouldn't help me.  He admits that he just wants to save our marriage.  He made a "mistake" that he can't undo and he hasn't denied it.  He has acted in such a way since that I can't help but understand.  There are details (husband of AP sent me sexts) that I wish I didn't know.  It doesn't help!  For me, the worst part is the lies and betrayal.  He never denied the wrong he did.  Focus on how he is today.
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hurting
FWIW I don’t think a WS gets to CHOOSE what will or will not help a BS. They get to answer what we choose to ask only. Of course there are things that are too much detail at times... but refusing to answer questions because HE doesn’t think they will help would absolutely set me off tell me there’s all the more reason to not trust the WS...
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Keepabuzz
hurting wrote:
FWIW I don’t think a WS gets to CHOOSE what will or will not help a BS. They get to answer what we choose to ask only. Of course there are things that are too much detail at times... but refusing to answer questions because HE doesn’t think they will help would absolutely set me off tell me there’s all the more reason to not trust the WS...


I agree 100%. The WS have proven with their actions that they are liars, selfish, people that have put their wants above anything else. So, they have given up their right to decide ANYTHING for the BS.  If wife refused to answer one of my questions, even now, more than 4 years out. I would leave her. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Trying2020
I think if your Internal alarms are going off, there is a likelihood that something substantial is behind it. Either more info from 4 years ago or something more current. I would press, with honesty and a redemptive attitude, for the sake of your own trust. 
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JKoloseik
It would depend on what happened after dd, I would think. If there was a lot of drama, nasty emails... or if she had been hurt. It could trigger her and cause drama for everyone. 

There may be a reason you're struggling. Did you two go to counseling? Was there evidence of remorse? Did he show sacrificial efforts to provide you with safety? Did he allow you to ask questions? Was he defensive? Has he lied about other things? Did he confess, or did you find out?

Something seems unresolved. Have you told him you're struggling? I would think that you and him should discuss it first, and if you're gut is giving you red flags, maybe try counseling or an affair intensive retreat that teaches truth-telling in a safe environment. 

Because she's married now may have the opposite effect. She may want to down play it all for the sake of your marriage or her own reputation. She may not have told her headband she had an affair with a married man. 

If you haven't discussed your concerns with your husband... why not? Because if you haven't, then I don't think your safety has been reestablished, and I believe it should be addressed. 
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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JKoloseik
Cam, I didn't realize this thread started two months ago. Would you tell me the outcome? I'm struggling with my husband's lies, and I wonder if there is any hope?
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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