The truth - 3 sides The Other Woman/Man
Bronze Member 58 posts Broken Bronze Member 58 posts
Broken
i have a question it’s been 4 years since DDay and it seems everyone has moved on but me.  Here’s my question my husband has said he was physical with the affair partner one time.  I’m not sure I believe him.  Lately I’ve been tempted to ask the other woman.  What are your thoughts?  She has moved on from the affair married and had a child.  With that said I’m hoping she would have empathy as a wife and provide an honest answer.
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Keepabuzz GUIDE 2,825 posts
Keepabuzz
Broken wrote:
i have a question it’s been 4 years since DDay and it seems everyone has moved on but me.  Here’s my question my husband has said he was physical with the affair partner one time.  I’m not sure I believe him.  Lately I’ve been tempted to ask the other woman.  What are your thoughts?  She has moved on from the affair married and had a child.  With that said I’m hoping she would have empathy as a wife and provide an honest answer.


I’m a bit over 4 years out as well, and I certainly have not moved on.  My question would be, does it really matter if it was once or 20? I think what matters is, has your WS been honest with you about what he did, has he been honest with for the past 4 years, and is he being honest now. Are you really questioning this one point, or are there other things that have been said or other things that have happened that make you feel like you did not get or any not getting full honesty? 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Bgreen Member 27 posts
Bgreen
I’m about 21 months out now, and sometimes still struggle immensely. I did get the opportunity to talk to WS’s AP... she had been a friend of mine and she reached out to me. 
I will say, I did get some information that was helpful (she confirmed the number of time and the where and what) And that lined up with what he had told me, and she also told me some new things he had not disclosed (the I love yous). But here’s what you need to be aware of: the OW is likely not interested in your healing. My WS’s AP was very deliberately trying to hurt me. At best she is likely to be apathetic toward you and only interested in making herself look as good as possible. You will not necessarily get a true version of events. 
I would further add, if you stayed with your spouse, to let them know you plan to reach out to their AP so they have a “heads up” and this could also give him a last chance to admit to anything he hasn’t. 
Female, BS 21 months post DDay
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Broken Bronze Member 58 posts
Broken
Thanks for the insight.  My primary reason is to confirm if my husband is being truthful.  The OW is not a friend but apologized to me shortly after DDay so I think she’s remorseful.  I’m still on the fence on reaching out to her however if I do I will not give my husband a heads since he might persuade her not to talk to me.  They still work in the same place different buildings.
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EasyAsABC Bronze Member 89 posts
EasyAsABC
As the OW, I can tell you that if the partner of the man I was involved with reached out to me, I’d be honest. There’s much she likely still doesn’t know, and I feel she’s entitled to that information. I told him quite a few times that he was robbing her of the ability to make a completely informed decision about her future. But he was so arrogant about his ability to keep secrets that he dismissed that time and time again.  
One of the above posters was correct in saying that the OW may tell you things you really don’t want to hear, but I don’t think that many OW are “out to get” the partner. In my case, I hurt her with my carelessness, not maliciously. I didn’t know her from a stranger on the street, still don’t. I didn’t set out with the intention of hurting *her*, her pain was the direct result of my actions, but my actions were never taken with the sole intent of causing her harm. 
If she reached out to me I’d be honest, but I’d be worried that since I have no relationship with her whatsoever, I’d tell her more than she can handle. 
I also disagree with the idea that OW are more likely to lie to “make themselves look better”, this is especially true for OW who had no previous relationship with the partner, and even more true for a former OW who has moved on so fully with her life, as is the case with your husbands AP. 
Wayward spouses, in my experience, are for more likely to lie to save face than the AP. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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anthro HOST 300 posts
anthro
The AP may lie or may be honest or may go with a mix of the two, but you won't know and you'll be left wondering about two people's honesty rather than one's.

Even if she is completely honest, you still get her take on things, not an objective one, and it is filtered and altered by the passage of time, too.

I would not bother. However, I had more info than I wanted and wish I knew less.

If you assume it was more than once (and common sense usually supports this with grown adults who are cheating), how does it change things for you? There's a ton of lies sitting there either way and all the truth in the world can't really tell the whole story, all the thoughts and daydreams and words and gestures. To me it's like there's a bucket of someone else's vomit in front of you, it stinks and it's sickening enough to see the pieces of carrot in it, you don't gain anything by sifting through it and finding peas and corn as well. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ThrivenotSurvive GUIDE 583 posts
ThrivenotSurvive
Oh lord, that was very on point - and very visceral Anthro.

I agree that we all (BS, AP and WS) see everything through our own prism.  There is not one "truth".  And APs are as different as WS and BS.  From innocent bystanders to schemers well aware of what they are doing - and everything in between.  And even worse - what "seemed" true to BOTH the WS and the AP, may not have any relevance any more.  

I've shared before that my WS was dumbfounded to realize how quickly his "feelings" disappeared after DD.  They'd shared "I love yous" and at the time he thought that maybe he was "falling in love".   But after DD, he was shocked to realize that it wasn't hard to cut her out of his life.  He was genuinely horrified to realize that he didn't even really miss her - it pointed out just how terribly selfish he'd been with another human being.  His treatment of her was almost as painful to him as his treatment of me.  Everywhere he looked he'd treated people like objects to meet his needs. 

Of course, he could be lying.  But let's just say that the man I knew was cheating in three weeks is NOT that good at hiding his feelings or lying.  And nothing about his behavior suggested differently.  It actually pissed me off that he had broken my heart and trust over something that was clearly so easy to leave behind.  

I am not saying that he wasn't attracted to her and might have genuinely fallen in love with her at a different time/place.  But in this situation it was all about feeling less lonely, less rejected and feeling better about himself.  He'd used her as a mirror with "filters".

This isn't the case with all affairs - but it seems to be common with many midlife meltdowns.  My point is, if I contacted her she'd probably tell me all about how in love they were.  Maybe they were, maybe they weren't - but at least for my husband, the feelings seemed to dissipate quite quickly in the morning sun.  So how does understanding the bubble/fantasy they were in then - tell me anything about my life now?  

For me, it doesn't.    But maybe I am different.  I have personally experienced intense infatuation that evaporated overnight - so it's not that hard for me to understand.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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hurting Gold Member 562 posts
hurting
The OW may or may not wish to tell you the ‘truth’. I think it’s going to depend on the individual person. People like Easy probably will. There ARE others who are more malicious and angry that they got ‘dumped’ and won’t. 
Either way, they have no reason to have your best interests at heart.

The bigger question I think, is whether your WS is continuing to lie to you, and whether you trust him. 

I’m with anthro on this one, with the perfect analogy above. BUT... I feel your indecisiveness is more over whether you can trust your WS’s words. So you are trying to find ways to confirm or disprove his claims. That then leads me to this: has your WS changed? Is he a more trustworthy person now? Or are there still things about him that you feel unsure about? 
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Broken Bronze Member 58 posts
Broken
Everyone has made great points.  My husband has pretty much walked the straight and narrow since DD.  However, the last piece for me is knowing he was honest about the affair.  How can I truly say in all honesty he has changed if he still can’t tell me the truth and maybe he is.  If he is and the ow can confirm it imagine the sense of relief.  My next question if I decide to reach out to the ow how should I approach it.  I’m sure this is behind her and she doesn’t want to talk about it especially to me. But sometimes when people wrong someone they want to make it right. @EasyasABC what are your thoughts about this and what do you think I should say to the ow?  Also by doing this will I portray myself as desperate and weak and she gets a good laugh at my expense.
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jasmine Bronze Member 70 posts
jasmine
I wouldn’t do it. If you are contacting the OW to find out more details about the relationship there is huge potential to create more unhappiness for yourself, especially if you want to know more details about their sexual relationship. Please, please, please don’t go down this route. You can’t unlearn it, should you discover details you didn’t want to hear. You are effectively opening a Pandora’s Box of hurt. 

If the affair is over, it’s over. You know it was a sexual infidelity and I would suggest you draw the line at that. Knowing how many times isn’t going to help you recover from this. I know it feels counter intuitive and it really does take a lot of mental effort to stop yourself from wanting to fill in the blanks and know the details. It gives you a false sense of taking control but in reality the trauma is controlling you. If you do go down this route, you’re going to have to make sure you’re going to have the self care and emotional support in place. Just take some time to think it through. Image the worst, and then think of how you’re going to cope with the aftermath. It’s YOU who is going to feel the pain and it’s going to be down to YOU to manage that pain. 
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ABCOneTwoThree Member 36 posts
ABCOneTwoThree
Broken wrote:
Everyone has made great points.  My husband has pretty much walked the straight and narrow since DD.  However, the last piece for me is knowing he was honest about the affair.  How can I truly say in all honesty he has changed if he still can’t tell me the truth and maybe he is.  If he is and the ow can confirm it imagine the sense of relief.  My next question if I decide to reach out to the ow how should I approach it.  I’m sure this is behind her and she doesn’t want to talk about it especially to me. But sometimes when people wrong someone they want to make it right. @EasyasABC what are your thoughts about this and what do you think I should say to the ow?  Also by doing this will I portray myself as desperate and weak and she gets a good laugh at my expense.


I do think it’s worth really considering what everyone else has suggested, as far as not opening new wounds, or not reopening partially healed wounds. 
That said, I can’t speak for your husbands AP entirely, everyone is so different. My best guess would be that since she seems to have moved on, she may not be entirely opposed to answering a few questions, however you’re also taking the chance that this may be reopening some wounds that she thought she was past as well.
From my perspective, and my own personal experiences, I wouldn’t view my exAPs partner as desperate and weak if she reached out, even if it was four years later. And I wouldn’t get a laugh out of it either.
I’m not sure that you’ll be able to know going into it if she’s moved on because she felt no guilt and it was easy for her, or if she’s moved on because she did a lot of work on herself and she’s truly a better person for it. If it’s the former, you definitely won’t have a good interaction with her. If it’s the latter, honestly you’re still risking a damaging encounter for the both of you, but there could be a small chance that she respectfully and honestly corroborates your husbands story, and you’re able to get some peace from that. The odds are very slim, but you have to decide if that’s a risk worth taking for you. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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hurting Gold Member 562 posts
hurting
Having read your reasons... I urge you to reread anthro’s analogy. You MAY get some semblance of truth. But it will be HER picture. Not his, and not yours.

We each see how things happen around us differently.

I would also say that no matter how you ask, how you dig and who you contact... there will always be things you do not know, short of having been a fly on the wall the entire time. Even then, you would not know how each of them was experiencing what was happening internally. 

Heavens knows I too felt the need and the urge to KNOW and somehow confirm what did or did not happen. I know the AP in my case does NOT wish me well. I have had to swallow the bitter pill of accepting I will never know the whole story. Yet I know enough to work with. I know enough. For me... I’ve had to learn the hard way that the sordid details were unhelpful. 

Whatever you choose to do, good luck with it.
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GuyInPain Member 16 posts
GuyInPain
I would separate two separate issues – your desire to know how many times & whether your WS is being truthful, and the question of contacting the AP.  

The desire to know how many times they had sex is legitimate.  The extent of the adultery, which includes the number and frequency of sexual contact, is important for the BS to know.  It certainly has been important for me to know.  My WS has varied in her account of the number of times, and I'm content with the reasonable supposition I've developed as I've allowed for honest lapses of memory.  I stress, however, that the precise type of sex (positions, specific acts, etc.) is something we BSs should avoid asking about, for that stuff just prolongs the torture.  My guess is that, over time, you will develop a similar resting point with your WS. 

Asking the AP for details that would corroborate and verify your WS's account is not a good idea.  As others have noted, you have no particular reason to trust her motivations or her story.  I presume you've insisted on your husband having No Contact with her, and I suggest that No Contact is a good policy for you as well, in addition to the possibility that your contacting her will prompt your husband to contact her as well. 

Your issues are with your husband, not with the AP.  It's with him that you need to work things out.  Getting in touch with the AP will only toss more dust up into the air. 
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Fionarob HOST 543 posts
Fionarob
Ask yourself this - will the answer to the question have an affect on whether you stay married and committed to healing?  If you were to find out that your husband has lied about the number of times - what would you do with that information?  Would it be enough to make you reconsider the future of your marriage?  Are you almost looking for a reason to end the marriage, because you feel that you just can't move on from the affair?  Or are you 100% committed, regardless of the answer to the question?  Will it help you to finally move on for good?
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Keepabuzz GUIDE 2,825 posts
Keepabuzz
Fionarob wrote:
Ask yourself this - will the answer to the question have an affect on whether you stay married and committed to healing?  If you were to find out that your husband has lied about the number of times - what would you do with that information?  Would it be enough to make you reconsider the future of your marriage?  Are you almost looking for a reason to end the marriage, because you feel that you just can't move on from the affair?  Or are you 100% committed, regardless of the answer to the question?  Will it help you to finally move on for good?


Any dishonesty from my wife, will end in divorce. That goes on forever. For me personally if I found out she lied about the number of times she had sex with her AP, I would 1000% be out. I have a hard time with the whole 100% committed thing. It’s been over 4 years for me, and I don’t think I will ever be 100% committed. I am committed, with conditions. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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