TimT
Here's a link to a lengthy article that appears on another site, focusing on a variety of issues experienced by the betrayed partner.

healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html

Topics in this article include:

Trauma Of Infidelity
Infidelity Shatters Self-Esteem
Assigning Blame To The Betrayed
Infidelity Gaslighting
Betrayed Spouse Cycle
Character-logical Self Blame
Behavioral Self Blame
Triggers
Lies Of Omission
Psychological Invalidation
Shifting The Blame
Stop Self-Blame
Power Imbalance
What Is Respect?
You Are Not To Blame
Taking Responsibility
Infidelity As Emotional Abuse
How Do I Heal After Infidelity?
Is Infidelity A Deal Breaker?

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Searching4
This is one of the best articles I have read describing the pain of betrayal.
To anyone who has not experienced it, the description of the trauma may seem over-dramatic.
Those betrayed know that it is very accurate.
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Ttsd
Great article. Here's a quote from an article I read recently that helped me re: not taking the blame for his infidelity.

"At the end of the day, infidelity has exactly nothing to do with the spouse being cheated on. You could have the perfect body, keep the perfect house, greet your spouse at the door dressed in nothing but Saran Wrap, have sex twice a day and yes, cook with fresh herbs, and your partner still might cheat. This is because infidelity happens when someone tries to fix an inside problem with an outside thing.

There are plenty of people who feel the sex life in their marriage is lacking, who never cheat. There are plenty of people who wish their spouse would lose twenty pounds, who never cheat. There are plenty of people who come home to messy houses and frozen dinners, who never cheat.

Do problems within a marriage leave you vulnerable to infidelity? Sure. But someone cheats -- and brace yourself, because this is groundbreaking stuff here -- because they decide to cheat. The reasons why they make the decision might be myriad, but it's still a decision. Every time."

Here's the link:

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7069982
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TimT
Ttsd wrote:
...infidelity happens when someone tries to fix an inside problem with an outside thing...


I like that! Good article. Thanx for posting it!
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Bustedsmiles
The most thorough and accurate description I have read.
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Godspeach
Spot on article, Tim! Lord knows, the worst thing than being betrayed is having others blame you. My spouse suffered with low self esteem brought on by never getting the blessing from his father. There was NO WAY I could have seen this coming. I was 18 when we married.

People cheat because they feel it's the best option at the time. Throw in addiction, and it's even more complicated. I am educated, beautiful, witty, and more. None of his APs could hold a candle to me. He didn't even enjoy the sex. It was the FEELING of being WANTED. All the sex did was add to the guilt. Cheating is about fantasy. It's an escape. Wish EVERYONE who thinks about cheating knows that you LOSE more of Yourself with every affair.

Love gives and receives. Lust consumes and leaves you empty.
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Intuition77
This was an amazing article. It validated every feeling Ive experienced and touched on one major issues I have with most books/websites about healing from an affair. They all state "The affair was not your fault" & then go on to say you need to accept your responsibility for your marriage being vulnerable. I accept I was not a perfect wife. Just as I accepted years ago I didnt have a perfect husband. Had my husband instead of having an affair filed for divorce, that I could accept. An affair? No. Every marriage has problems, I see problems in mine but they had nothing to do with the affair. Especially since my husband refused to see any problems or address any. Everytime I read that in a book I think wait, Im supposed to be somehwat responsible because he lied, deceived and hid everything from me??? How is that even possible. And this article was spot on, most books will talk about the BS being "controlling" & say they need to accept they cant control other peoples choices immediately after saying the BS needs to own their half of the marriage problems, and make changes to be a "better spouse" all the stuff the BS had no idea about BECAUSE they cant control other peoples actions & the cheater lied! Its an infuriating catch22 as a BS. Its not your fault but own half of it. You were just lied to deceived hurt and betrayed but you need to change and be able to let go.

Just like majority of articles and books want to talk about men cheating because their emotional and sexual needs not being met and yet majority of BS stories I read the man didnt talk about sexual problems in the marriage and was completely uninterested in figuring out his own emotional needs & talking to his spouse, AP just happened to do/say the right things (you know the same things your spouse said and did before you lived together in reality 24/7 with kids and bills and real life). So how do we blame the marriage for one spouse having no personal insight and lying?

So this article was really a breath of fresh air and much needed by me today, thank you.
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HonestWife
Intuition77 wrote:
This was an amazing article. It validated every feeling Ive experienced and touched on one major issues I have with most books/websites about healing from an affair. They all state "The affair was not your fault" & then go on to say you need to accept your responsibility for your marriage being vulnerable. I accept I was not a perfect wife. Just as I accepted years ago I didnt have a perfect husband. Had my husband instead of having an affair filed for divorce, that I could accept. An affair? No. Every marriage has problems, I see problems in mine but they had nothing to do with the affair. Especially since my husband refused to see any problems or address any. Everytime I read that in a book I think wait, Im supposed to be somehwat responsible because he lied, deceived and hid everything from me??? .


AGREED! AGREED!

I love the article too.

Intuition, you might get a lot out off rank pittman book Private Lies. He says we sense the pulling away of the bs and yes it creates stress and controlling behavior in the faithful spouse. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what and he was a very very good liar!!!!!!

When we lie to someone we naturally pull away from them. When we have a secret , with an affair partner, we naturally align ourselves with them.
Trying to make marriage work after my husband's 15 years of affairs. Just found out. Currently in house separation.
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Intuition77
I added it to my list thank you. Yes we become part of their fantasy story! As the "villain". The ONLY thing my husband could "blame" on me his one and only reason for unhappiness in the marriage on dday during a heated argument was (I kid you not) "you we're always asking me what was wrong! If something was bothering me! It was so annoying!" Followed up by I LOVE YOU IM JUST NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

I was like well yeah you think
Cause something was obviously wrong you we're starting an affair and you weren't talking about it!

Then he tried we never did anything anymore. But had nothing to say when I pointed out I had tried for years for us to spend more time together and he preferred sitting home playing video games. And would say I like things the way they are.

Then he tried well that was because you we're always on the computer. Yes I was that year. We we're selling one house buying another and everything was on Me. Showings listings mortgage lenders lawyers insurance inspections repairs contracts. I was constantly typing faxing copying and sending. Handling all finances all contracts all repairs painting myself with 2 kids cleaning, setting up showings with 2 kids and 4 pets. All the kids activities and appts in between. School stuff. And I was selling anything we didn't want to take in the move online for extra money. I constantly told him I'm wearing thin I can't juggle all this alone and needed help but he was always working extra
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HonestWife
Intuition77 wrote:
I added it to my list thank you. Yes we become part of their fantasy story! As the "villain". The ONLY thing my husband could "blame" on me his one and only reason for unhappiness in the marriage on dday during a heated argument was (I kid you not) "you we're always asking me what was wrong! If something was bothering me! It was so annoying!" Followed up by I LOVE YOU IM JUST NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.



It is so painful to hear those kinds of things. They lie lie lie.

Here is from his book: " Infidelity may not be the worst thing that one marriage partner can do to another, but it may be the most confusing and disorienting and therefore the most likely to destroy the marriage not necessarily because of the sex, but because of the secrecy and the lies".
Trying to make marriage work after my husband's 15 years of affairs. Just found out. Currently in house separation.
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Intuition77
Sorry I was editing my post because for some reason it cut off most of it when I posted? And I see it still cut it off. Must be my mobile.
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Ironsides1
Does anyone have an updated link to this article? Looks like the original site is down.
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Keepabuzz
I would love to read it as well
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthropoidape
This might be it.

https://iamally.tumblr.com/post/158777193922/trauma-of-infidelity
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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