Hi, I am new here but thought this may be a good place to share my story, feelings, get some feedback and support. 

My husband and I have been married for 16 years and we have five children. This whole thing has been a complete nightmare and at the moment I feel lost. 

My story....
About 7 years ago I discovered my husband's second life. I had been suspicious that something was going on for sometime but he told me I was crazy and just being insecure. Needless to say I was not and my gut instinct and suspicions were dead on. He just got sloppy and forgot to cover his tracks. What I found were profiles on sites from Ashley Madison to Craig's list. You name it he was on there. I also found well over 300 female contacts in two separate email accounts. Some old and some current. He was texting, chatting, calling, video messaging, and meeting with woman he found online. 

I was relieved I wasn't crazy but also in shock at the shear extent of what I found. Before I said anything to him. I began to sent messages to come of these women. I chatted with them. I called some of them. I then changed all his profile information to something horrid. Changed all the his log in information for all his accounts he had so I now only had access to them. Then I confronted him. 
A little over the top, right? I was making damn sure he wasn't going to tell me I was crazy again and that I had physical undenial proof. 

We did end up separating after this for about 6 months. In that time I explored his world or rather the world of affairs. Probably not the smartest thing to do but I learned a lot. 

There was some adjusting when he came back home. He was not suppose to be talking to any women but within a week he was caught texting with one of his flings. This happened over and over again. I made it clear it was not okay but it didn't really matter. 

With five children and my youngest only being 18 months old at the time, I guess I sorta just disconnected. I call it my bubble. I  went into auto mode. I had no emotions. I just took care of my children, my home, and went to work. 

I lived in this "bubble" for 5 years. I didn't feel, I didn't cry, I didn't really live for FIVE years. 

Then this his past March I was finally able to break free from the disconnection and was allowing myself to feel again. I was happy for the first time in a long long time. 

That was short lived. My husband never stopped cheating. I just made myself ignore. In May I again found chat sites, text, calls, emails, and etc. I didn't need to look further this time. I already knew. But he lied and denied it and so I came to him with proof. Then he started with being defensive and down playing it. If you are reading this, you are probably on here because your spouse cheated on you too so I am sure you know how that played out. 

Eventually, he did say he knows it's wrong and he said he was sorry. He said he would stop all communication with these women. BUT then got a text at midnight from a woman saying good night. At this point this word means nothing, zip, nada.
I have asked him for full transparency. It has been four months now and he still refuses. 
He wants me to just act like it's all okay BUT it's not.  I am not okay living like this. I am not okay with him leading a double life. 

I want to leave. I don't want to do this anymore.

With five kids I can't just pick up and go. I have no where to go. I work but I don't make enough to support them on my own, not even temporarily. 

I feel lost, alone, and stuck.
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Your story is awful and I’m so sorry you’re here.  Obviously what your husband is doing is not right, but more than that he has a serious problem.  I’m not an expert, but I don’t have to be to see that he is likely a sex addict.  Please refer to the following website of Dr. Doug Weiss for some additional resources.  I have not dealt with him, but I understand from others that he is one of the leading experts in sex addiction.
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I am sorry you are living this life, it is no way to live.  But I am glad you have come to the conclusion that you want to leave.  I think you realise your h is never going to change, and he can't even admit things when he is caught red-handed.  He obviously has serious problems.

You should not be the one to leave, he should.  You and your five children should be able to stay in your home.  I strongly recommend you get some legal advice on where you stand with all of this, but don't tell your h until you have found out exactly what your rights are. 

Good luck
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jmh78 wrote:
he is likely a sex addict

If there really is such a thing, the problem is not the sex addiction but the outright deception. By all means be addicted to consensual sex, but by no means may you abuse the trust of others.

This kind of history is so extreme that it is either something you can live with, or something you cannot live with. For me, no matter what my spouse did from here on, even absolute saintliness, would enable me to live with that history and remain sane. I simply could not. I could at best be friends and co-parents with clear boundaries. Just saying. We are all different of course. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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