StupidBroken
I made a mistake over the weekend that I cannot undo and feel so ashamed that I really wanted to die.

Background:

I'm a happily married woman of almost 16 years--two kids, great husband, a job I love.  I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was in my 20's---and have been on meds ever since. I recently finished a taper of an SSRI and started on a new med simultaneously...it was scary and not easy. My medication was no longer working and my PCP felt it was time for a change. I felt emotionally fragile and didn't know if this was the right decision, but I had to do something.  I had been on the SSRI for 15 years or so...so it was a bit rough.  That was just over a month ago.  I'm still titrating up on my new medication. I do not drink often, but have been known to overindulge at times

My husband and son were out of town at a sports tournament and my other child was at a sleepover.  I had gone over to a family friends house for a small birthday celebration.  I had some champagne and was feeling good by the time I got home.  I decided "what the hell?  I'll go out for one drink and come home. I never am alone so why not?"

I went to a local bar and grabbed a seat at the bar....ordered my drink, chatted with some other people at the bar including another man, older than me (50's?)..he was a physician---nope, don't recall the specialty.  I don't remember his name, wouldn't know his face if I passed him on the street---but I have a recollection of making out with him at the bar...and I'm not sure what else happened (dancing, groping, etc.).  The next moment I remember is getting in my car by myself (yep, drove black out drunk back to my house---another thing to be disgusted with myself about) and watched him come out of the bar after me but i remember crouching down--hiding.

Next thing I know, I was walking in my front door (alone to my knowledge) and vague recall of throwing up.  I woke up fully clothed on my couch, alone and in absolute desperation because I couldn't remember a damn thing that happened.  Then the flashbacks above came to me.  I felt disgusting. Ashamed. Horrified. And not all together sure what happened. I wanted to die in that moment and although it's slightly better, I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself.  To my recollection, I did not engage in any sex acts with this man.  My gps finder on my phone had be at the bar the whole time, then home directly after.  

What I want you to know is that this person that did this...is not me.  I would NEVER do this nor did I set out to have a fling.  I take full responsibility for whatever my actions were AND I told my husband. 

I'll never forget the look on his face.  And I knew our relationship would forever be changed in that second.  I can hardly function; I can't eat; can't hardly sleep and I've felt physically ill for days.  My husband says that he thinks we can get past it...but he is having difficulty looking at me or talking to me.  I'm giving him the space he needs---but I feel like my world has collapsed and it would be better off without me in it.

I know that I made a huge mistake and can never undo what is done---I'm going to start seeing a counselor and hopefully my husband will join me.  I don't know that I can forgive myself for almost ruining my family and potentially hurting others with my recklessness.  My husband wanted to go down to the bar and talk to the bartenders to see what they remember---I was there for a good 2.5 hours; I think I've convinced him not to do that.  I don't want him to hurt more or have those images in his head (whatever they are) for the rest of his life.

I'm asking for help---how do I help him get past this?  How do we move forward?  How can I EVER forgive myself for doing something so stupid and meaningless?

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triplehooks
You can’t “get him past this”.  He has to do that on his own.  

One of the things you need to NOT do is try to control him.  You f@cked up in a major way.  When a husband comes home to a story of his wife’s body parts being fondled or — worse — hearing she got screwed by another man, it sends him to rage that is hard-wired within him from Paleolithic times (not sure if humans roamed then but you get the point).  

Don't try to get in the way of that or reason with that.  

He wants to query the bartenders to ID the guy and give him the a$$ whooping he deserves for “taking advantage” of his drunk wife.  

Godspeed to him.  

He may calm down and realize he has something to lose.  Many of us do.  For the record I’m not referring to his marriage at this point...I’m referring to his freedom.  He knows he has kids who need him and he probably won’t jeopardize that.  

But the first step in securing options to achieve justice is identifying the OTHER perpetrator of a violation against him and his family.  

Be VERY careful getting in the way of that.  

You are on thin ice and you have VERY few things you can and cannot do, in this situation, to not COMPLETELY blow it.  

One thing you MUST NOT DO is get in his way pursuing justice.  

You may THINK you are protecting him from further pain. Think again.  The time to protect him was before going out for that drink.  And if you resist him in this you will appear to be trying to rug sweep and protect either a) the doc or b) yourself.  In case it isn’t obvious THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO PROTECT THE DOC.  This is also NOT the time to preference YOUR desire to move on from this over HIS need for justice.  

Let him do his thing.  Be helpful to him in reconstructing events.  DO NOT FAIL HIM IN THIS.  

Hope that helps.  
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Kalmarjan
I'm wondering, given your description of events, is it possible you were drugged? 
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StupidBroken
I definitely can’t rule it out...but definitely no way to prove it. 
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BlindCheetah
Kalmarjan wrote:
I'm wondering, given your description of events, is it possible you were drugged? 


I was wondering the same thing, that is a good reason to go back to the bar and ask questions. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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GuyInPain
I agree with TripleHooks that you should not get in the way of your husband investigating at the bar what happened, if he is really set on that.  I do think, however, that there is more to be lost than gained for him.  Does he want your reputation further sullied by his asking about it at the bar?  Does he really think the bartender is going to identify the other customer?  I think not.

The issue your husband has is not really with the other man, or it shouldn’t be.  It’s obvious that his issue is with you.  The other man is a distraction from the two of you struggling as you must with the issue that has arisen between you.  Yes, the other man was at fault, but you’re the person who betrayed your husband.

I speak as a betrayed husband.  I have no use for the other man, of course, but I don’t spend energy on him.  Nothing that could happen between him and me would assist healing between my wife and me.  

So someone, maybe not you, should encourage your husband to focus instead on the wound in the relationship between the two of you, not on the other guy.
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GuyInPain
One revision to my post above: Maybe you indeed are the one to dissuade your husband from pursuing the bar investigation.  If you take the initiative in discussing what happened, if you are totally up front with your responsibility, express remorse, empathize with his pain & take initiative in discussing the issues that prompted you to betray him, maybe he will stop obsessing about the other man, which I think is useless, & be pulled back into where the real pain is, which is in the broken trust between the two of you.
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triplehooks
The point raised by the others above, that OP may have been drugged, is very much worth exploring.  In that case the doc needs a severe exposure campaign and advertising to call in other victims.  His career as care giver of any kind should be OVER in that case.  

BH here and I personally do not subscribe to the “don’t pursue the OM/OW” theory many espouse, no offense to them.  I have (or will) “pursued” both the offending party within my union (spouse) and the outside perp (OM), to great effect.  OM right now is literally choking on consequences I’ve personally brought upon him at this point, which took absolutely NOTHING more than speaking the truth to the right audiences via the right mediums.  I personally subscribe to the notion of accelerating karma, especially with these psychopath spouse-poachers who know EXACTLY what they are dealing with.   Regardless of how a person engages when they dance around affairs, fooling around w strangers in bars, whatever, it’s a form of selfish predation.  It deserves ZERO protection, and in fact the act of exposing it to the world can be quite healing and an expression of pushing back against oppressive, hidden forces that “bend” your life outside of what you have planned, sacrificed and compromised for, in cases like mine, for DECADES.  

OP can do the right thing inside her marriage AND the doc can get his comeuppance.  They aren’t mutually exclusive.  

OP, good for you, you are owing what happened and seeking help. Take care not to totally externalize the event, but there is certainly room for you have been taken advantage of in this situation and in that case the perp deserves the justice your husband might be a catalyst for delivering.  Let him work out what he wants to do.  
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Keepabuzz
triplehooks wrote:
The point raised by the others above, that OP may have been drugged, is very much worth exploring.  In that case the doc needs a severe exposure campaign and advertising to call in other victims.  His career as care giver of any kind should be OVER in that case.  

BH here and I personally do not subscribe to the “don’t pursue the OM/OW” theory many espouse, no offense to them.  I have (or will) “pursued” both the offending party within my union (spouse) and the outside perp (OM), to great effect.  OM right now is literally choking on consequences I’ve personally brought upon him at this point, which took absolutely NOTHING more than speaking the truth to the right audiences via the right mediums.  I personally subscribe to the notion of accelerating karma, especially with these psychopath spouse-poachers who know EXACTLY what they are dealing with.   Regardless of how a person engages when they dance around affairs, fooling around w strangers in bars, whatever, it’s a form of selfish predation.  It deserves ZERO protection, and in fact the act of exposing it to the world can be quite healing and an expression of pushing back against oppressive, hidden forces that “bend” your life outside of what you have planned, sacrificed and compromised for, in cases like mine, for DECADES.  

OP can do the right thing inside her marriage AND the doc can get his comeuppance.  They aren’t mutually exclusive.  

OP, good for you, you are owing what happened and seeking help. Take care not to totally externalize the event, but there is certainly room for you have been taken advantage of in this situation and in that case the perp deserves the justice your husband might be a catalyst for delivering.  Let him work out what he wants to do.  



I’m also not one to ”turn the other cheek”, I’m much more of a hit you back harder type of guy. The issue for me is there is no way for me to hit back harder in this situation. There is literally nothing I could do to bring the same level of pain and destruction to my wife’s AP.  I am keeping my options open, and I can be patient. Hopefully some seeds I have planted will grow fruit and certain things will occur.....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
I don’t know how things work where you are, but we have sexual assault teams who will medically examine and take forensic samples including doing urine drug screens for patients who have been victim of possible sexual assault. They will do internal examinations if that is the nature of the assault, attempt to get DNA from swabs and under fingernails etc. 

That does not change what you did. You chose irresponsibly to go out and drink. There also isn’t a clear history of assault here. But if there is a lingering question, then it is potentially something that could be looked into. Of course, timing matters in this kind of thing. 

Your husband needs time to process and decide on what he wants to do. You took one correct step- telling him. Do not lie. Answer whatever questions he has (do NOT try to omit anything in some misguided attempt to ‘protect’ him- you are protecting no one other than your sorry self), and let him grieve the loss of what he thought he had. 
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UrbanExplorer
First of all, take a deep breath and don't start entertaining ideas about suicide. You made a poor choice (+/- were drugged?). This doesn't make you a horrible person. You're human, and many of us have coped by reaching for something that isn't good for us or our loved ones. It does mean you need to get to the bottom of why you went out drinking alone and presumably were at least open to accepting another person's advances. That's your work alone, not something your husband can help with. Do you feel like you're in a midlife crisis, looking to blow things up? Even subconsciously? Do you have a drinking problem? 

When it comes to your husband, you just have to own your part in what happened and be serious about rebuilding his trust. You need to be open, and maybe that's something that hasn't been happening in your marriage. It's hard to face someone you've hurt and betrayed, but you can do it. 
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anthro
The worst thing you did was drive drunk. The rest is... seriously it's obviously not good but as infidelity gets its about the least-bad possible version. Do your best to make amends but don't confuse what you did with deliberate ongoing betrayal or something as serious as that. At a minimum, your honesty is still intact since you told your husband right away. Hardly any cheaters can make that claim.

As for drugs anything is possible but I reckon you'd have woken up without clothes, somewhere other than home if you'd been slipped a mickey. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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