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Ginger
Had she slinked off into the gutter she came from,  it would be a slightly different story.  I blame my husband.   Fully for what he did to me .  I blame her for the continued harrassment, for her disgusting remorseless taunting that's continued longer than their lie.
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Godspeach
Keep doing exactly what you’ve done. She’s looking at herself in the face and seeing the ugliness of what she’s done. She’s hoping you and hubby are miserable 😩 like she seems to be. 
I ran the last EAP and PAP off Facebook two years ago. After posting their pictures side by side with a Warning ⚠️ about Witches in the Church Masquerading as Christian Women. 
I was in a BAD WAY. My daughter had been hospitalized for cutting and we were up to our necks in debt because my SA husband listened and laid down without a second thought. 
My life had become a sick bed of illness with immune issues and PTSD. My two youngest have Autism and the oldest ADD. These two witches caused me and my kids great harm. 
I’m not sorry. I just have been fortunate enough not to see either of them. Someday, I hope to forgive them with God’s Grace.
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arizons
Godspeach wrote:
Keep doing exactly what you’ve done. She’s looking at herself in the face and seeing the ugliness of what she’s done. She’s hoping you and hubby are miserable 😩 like she seems to be. 
I ran the last EAP and PAP off Facebook two years ago. After posting their pictures side by side with a Warning ⚠️ about Witches in the Church Masquerading as Christian Women. 
I was in a BAD WAY. My daughter had been hospitalized for cutting and we were up to our necks in debt because my SA husband listened and laid down without a second thought. 
My life had become a sick bed of illness with immune issues and PTSD. My two youngest have Autism and the oldest ADD. These two witches caused me and my kids great harm. 
I’m not sorry. I just have been fortunate enough not to see either of them. Someday, I hope to forgive them with God’s Grace.

Thank you, I think your right.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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minnie16
Hi Everyone, 
I’m 20 months out from d day and still  struggle with intrusive thoughts about the AP. She is in her 20s, my husband and I are in our 60s. He had a year-long sexual affair with her, she was his student. She’s cute and young. I think I’m getting past obsessing about her, and then I will do something stupid like I did this weekend which was look her up online and watch a video of her. Then I spent all day thinking about snarky reviews I could post , and probably would have but the site didn’t take comments.
Seeing her just really set me back in intrusive thoughts and comparisons. I still am struggling to have sex with my husband because it makes me think of them together. I am in therapy , taking anti depressants, and have outside hobby. Will I ever get past my obsession with them having sex, his lies, etc? I just don’t seem able to heal or let go of the past, and it scares me. He says he never thinks of her anymore.
I have had so many times when I think I’m getting better, or have a breakthrough, then I find myself back at square one again. It’s so discouraging. Has anyone else felt this way?
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D day June, 2016
ws affair: 18 months sexual affair plus 2 years emotional affair after. Ow 20 yrs old; WS 60
live in Texas
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anthropoidape
minnie16 wrote:
I have had so many times when I think I’m getting better, or have a breakthrough, then I find myself back at square one again. It’s so discouraging. Has anyone else felt this way?


I have, and I am pretty sure it's normal (normal in our circumstances at least). What I am getting better at is reminding myself, when I realise I've really sunk back down, that it passes in two to three days. Then I really just fake it till I make it. And overall it happens less often, I think.

Having said that, you seem to have a really specific issue that needs specific attention and I wonder if it is worth trying a new therapist. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Laurajean83
I don't know much about your story but remember he is very lucky to have you.  The AP isn't worth your time to think about.  I think the up and downs are normal, my husband calls them cycles.  Do you find this situation easier than a year ago? Do you come back to square one less often?  If yes, take heart, your getting stronger and moving forward  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Sorry
I can only imagine how difficult your situation must be, especially as she has something you can't get back which is youth.

What you need to remind yourself of is that you have something she doesn't - you know this because your husband chose to stay with you. Maybe it's the wisdom of age, maybe it's that he feels more comfortable with you or realises that with time spent with you is real. MAYBE it's just that you are AWESOME.

Even as a WS I have to ask what a 20 year old is doing chasing a 60 year old, it's just odd. Perhaps she struggles to relate to people her own age...anyway, I digress.

Comparisons are never worth the time they take.

All people who have affairs are broken, so however happy she appears in her life, none of it is usually real.
Facebook is especially deceptive, people project what they would love other people to imagine their lives to always be life, it's often superficial and hollow.

When I knew my AP and his wife would be at an event I used to waste lots of effort making sure that I looked great, was well dressed and having fun. We all fake it for a while, but as your heart heals you will NEED to do it less and less. I now dress up for my husband, not for my ex AP and his wife.

I stopped stressing what my AP's wife thought about me and I also stopped judging how happy their marriage was now compared to how happy mine was, based on tiny glances I still got into it . This happened when I realised that the snippets that they probably saw of my life and marriage would make them think things were awful and they were not at all.

I often went to my kids school functions where they would be on my own, without my husband. Not because my marriage was awful but because in our therapy sessions I had discovered how unpleasant it was for my husband, and WE made the decision that since I was adamant my sons would not miss out that I would take him on my own.

Me attending Solo actually showed how strong we were, but I have little doubt it was perceived as a weakness.
Our marriage now is pretty fantastic (it still has its up's and down's BUT it is healthy and considerate). 

You can never judge any person or marriage by what is shown to the world, "happy" people cry in bathrooms. "Perfect" couples are often an act. I find that you see the truth in small gestures and actions, after an affair nobody wants to show their vulnerability to anyone else, unless they are healing, and realise that being vulnerable is natural and human.   

It's natural to be curious, but entertaining that curiosity is unlikely to satisfy your need to know, it is more likely to distract you from where you should be focused, on yourself and your family.




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DorothyJane7
minnie16 wrote:
Hi Everyone, 
I’m 20 months out from d day and still  struggle with intrusive thoughts about the AP. She is in her 20s, my husband and I are in our 60s. He had a year-long sexual affair with her, she was his student. She’s cute and young. I think I’m getting past obsessing about her, and then I will do something stupid like I did this weekend which was look her up online and watch a video of her. Then I spent all day thinking about snarky reviews I could post , and probably would have but the site didn’t take comments.
Seeing her just really set me back in intrusive thoughts and comparisons. I still am struggling to have sex with my husband because it makes me think of them together. I am in therapy , taking anti depressants, and have outside hobby. Will I ever get past my obsession with them having sex, his lies, etc? I just don’t seem able to heal or let go of the past, and it scares me. He says he never thinks of her anymore.
I have had so many times when I think I’m getting better, or have a breakthrough, then I find myself back at square one again. It’s so discouraging. Has anyone else felt this way?


I'm sorry you're facing this kind of discouragement. I'm pretty sure this is normal - the ups and downs, I mean. You're struggling with yourself and this has certainly damaged your security and how you see life. (I know, because this has been one of the worst parts for me too!). It sounds like you're doing all you can and tackling the problem. Good for you!

I can only offer that maybe, whenever you fall into this spiral, to take a moment and ask yourself ...
  • Is this something new? Have I already thought about this? 
  • Do I need to explore this topic?

The truth is, if this is the same old rabbit hole, then you have to find a way to dig out of it every time you land there. No one can do it but you. But you CAN do it. Obsessive thinking is only helped by repeated times of recognizing it, stopping it, and redirecting yourself to something else. I know from experience it's not easy, but I am doing better and better with it all the time. 

Good luck to you! Sending a virtual hug right now!
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