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Valntine66
Kal,
It has been only 4 months, as everyone KEEPS reminding me and maybe there is another topic out there that I should share this on , but why is it that I have spend literally, and I do mean literally, every waking hour, every free moment, and taking all the legitimate and valid advice from those that have been down this rough and winding road, but it seems that the more I learn and the more I practice and the more testimonies of success stories I read, the more depressed I get BECAUSE, my BS does not even reflect an "ounce" of desire to even say that she thinks she wants to work on the marriage.

Just tonight, I texted her something about our child's dr appointment but our conversation ended up going down hill and she ended up saying, "Right now, I don't want to work on reconciling."  I am hoping that is her depression and anger talking.  those kinds of statements sends me back into my depression mode.  have you had these moments?  Did your BS express that she did NOT want to work on the marriage?  was there times where you felt like giving up?  I really need some help here because the more she gets upset, the more I feel like breaking my promise of not sticking with it.  but I have to remember that God is on my side and I am trusting Him.  Its just these emotions are too much now.
Val
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Kalmarjan
lleckron wrote:
Kal,
It has been only 4 months, as everyone KEEPS reminding me and maybe there is another topic out there that I should share this on , but why is it that I have spend literally, and I do mean literally, every waking hour, every free moment, and taking all the legitimate and valid advice from those that have been down this rough and winding road, but it seems that the more I learn and the more I practice and the more testimonies of success stories I read, the more depressed I get BECAUSE, my BS does not even reflect an "ounce" of desire to even say that she thinks she wants to work on the marriage.

Just tonight, I texted her something about our child's dr appointment but our conversation ended up going down hill and she ended up saying, "Right now, I don't want to work on reconciling."  I am hoping that is her depression and anger talking.  those kinds of statements sends me back into my depression mode.  have you had these moments?  Did your BS express that she did NOT want to work on the marriage?  was there times where you felt like giving up?  I really need some help here because the more she gets upset, the more I feel like breaking my promise of not sticking with it.  but I have to remember that God is on my side and I am trusting Him.  Its just these emotions are too much now.


Oh man. Ha ha. What can tell you about this?

I'm married to an Italian. A real firecracker. There are times where she will literally say the one thing she knows will hurt. Something like what you wrote up there. (She didn't think she wanted to work on reconciliation.) I can't tell you how many times I've heard that.

But what I learned were a few things. 1) Get over myself. She's angry. She's expressing it and that's difficult for her to do. But I'm 2) still here. So that means that there IS something there, I just have to 3) figure out what's really going on. What's really the problem or issue here?

The thing to remember is that the trust you broke is the fabrigee egg. Fragile, precious, and stupid hard to glue back together once you dumbly grabbed it and smashed it on the floor. It's going to take a delicate, careful touch to repair all of this.

Sometimes you will need to eat crow. Guess what? You deserve it. All us WS do. But the point is, what have you become? What have you learned through this that changed things so you can guarantee her that she was right to take the risk that you could do that again to her. She's risking it all, betting you won't, even though you showed her you were plenty capable of doing it to her.

It gets better. You'll get better. You'll have to forgive yourself first, then you'll be able to work to be forgiven. And the best advice I can give you man...

Seek first to understand, then be understood.

Some may say Its not "Christian" to submit. I call bull on that one, BTW, because don't forget that even Jesus had to submit himself for punishment to absolve us of our sins. He didn't even do the crime, but he paid the price.

Jesus would find it in his heart to find out what troubled the people who did this to him. Even as he died on the cross, he asked God to forgive them because he understood why they were doing it to him, right?

It's the same here. Understand WHY she is doing what she is. Really understand it and you'll see what you need to do.

In my case it was learning how to get my point across but let her have her anger. It was showing her that I could communicate with her that we were in this together.

I still. Drive my wife nuts, but we understand each other way better now. It's still a LOT of work, and sometimes it is so hard. But it's worth it. You're clear on why you're there, right? Because you love her, right?

This ain't forever. It's for long enough till the BOTH of you can get over this.
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Valntine66
I am here because I love her, believe that God gave her to me, and I to her 34 years ago in High school, married 31 this  October, together 2.5 years in dating.

You are right, Jesus was punished for a crime he did not commit and we deserve the cross vs. Him. 

I have made changes in my life over the last 4 months and they were the things I practiced long ago before I became a pastor and a father of 5.

"Seek first to understand, then be understood" I have heard said in different ways.  I think that is why I spend hours looking to understand the mind, heart, body, and soul of the BS, especially mine.  what I find is that each BS is different.  Some respond to kinds words, some respond to actions, and some respond to simply, 'Let me see you work on you' type reconciliation.'.  My BS is no different than all other BS in that she is unique in her own way with this affair ordeal.

Maybe I am looking for a mold, a model, a twin sister, or even a replica of my BS so that I know how to help her heal.  But I am finding no such thing.  I am trying to figure her out and how to help.  She tells me she does not want my help.  Well, I will continue to understand.  I can say this for sure; 4 months ago, I was naïve about this affair world and the people in it.  but now that I have entered into it, I wish no man or woman in this world.  I also have learned more about myself and my motives in life.  I know I have a long way to go to even see some light at this.  Linda McDonald said in her book, the road to reconciliation is not for the faint at heart.  I am hoping and begging I am not faint at heart. 
Val
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