AHmember130
I am a cheater and it is the worst thing I have done in my live to say the least. the pain devastation I have caused is unspeakable . iam currently working on a full disclosure to come completely clean and help my wife heal and put all her puzzle pieces of her life together, this is the hardest and most heart breaking experience I have ever done .I know what I am feeling dosent even come close to what my wife has gone and is going through . I just hope and pray she will be able to get all she needs to heal herself and that we will have a chance to live a marriage that she more then deserves .
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TimT
AHmember130 wrote:
...the pain devastation I have caused is unspeakable... I just hope and pray she will be able to get all she needs to heal herself and that we will have a chance to live a marriage that she more then deserves.


I appreciate you sharing that. You seem to be in the right place to allow healing to come to your wife, your marriage... to you, too. The pain you're feeling right now will settle into a kind of regret that you'll always have with you. But the real hope is that the changes you experience turn into a whole new story. It won't be the same story you thought you would tell, but you might be surprised at how good it can be. (The wonder of grace!)
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Branded
AHmember130 wrote:
i am currently working on a full disclosure to come completely clean and help my wife heal and put all her puzzle pieces of her life together


Good for you. I spent too much time telling half-truths, which may have actually been worse that out-and-out lies because my wife could never figure out what to trust. I wish I could go back to the start and do things the way you're doing them.
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Courage
Maybe some feedback from WS on this site would help shed some light for me and others. Even though some WS have said they now see the value in telling the whole truth, do you think you really have. I don't mean play-by-plays of your every conversation, of the depths of your sexual escapades, but answering reasonable questions- like- when did it start, where did you take her, did you take days off work to be with her, did you use protection, how old is she, how long has it been sexual, have you had any contact with her since Dday, was sex a big part of your relationship, did you talk about leaving me, were there future plans to be together indefinitely.....These are some of the questions I have asked my WS, and have gotten only snippets here and there or outright denials ( example- he was adamant from DDay that it didn't get sexual- which I now know it did- but I don't think I'm getting the whole truth there either) that is until recently he gave me a whole lot of painful truths- which I am so glad I have. But, I still think he is not be fully truthful in his answers. Thoughts?
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Scarlett
I have told the whole truth, but I'm a very open person in general. Women may also be more open than men. If I had to guess, I doubt my xAP told the whole truth to his wife. He's a private person, and I'm sure he believes withholding that information would cause less pain to his wife.
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Intuition77
Courage you know I'm also a BS but I can say for me I know he's lying not being truthful because my puzzle is far from complete. I know because I just know. As I think you do too. It's hard because we want to believe them we want to think they've realized truth is the only way. But when there's defensiveness evasiveness a feeling I've I already answered that I'm done-then I feel their lying. To me I would feel the truth and it wouldn't be defensive or angry or pieces it wouldn't claim
Amnesia. Truth should be open and sharing and kind. Truth sees healing not shame. If truth can't recall exactly it says so but sees your need and tries damn hard to remember or piece together. When I ask my spouse when did sex start I get I do t remember exact days! I already told you! It wasn't long before you found out! Your never gonna believe me anyway! I'm tired of you thinking I'm lying! Why would I lie now! Etc and the info never adds up & he avoids all questions that could cause him to negate his own story.

Truth would be kind and humble & say I don't know the first date but it was this month or before x milestone in our family or at I know it was at night or in the morning or I called off work Or I told you xyz excuse to go there etc. To meif their evasive & defensive then it's because their lying to themselves, to you. The biggest thing is you will know the truth I believe. My spouse answered very few questions where I felt a sense of peace & acceptance with his answers-those we're the honest ones and they hurt like hell but there was that sense of completeness for those pieces. Sadly for my marriage there we're very very few of them.
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Courage
Intuition77, how true. All the things your WS says mine does too! I almost dread asking bc of his defensiveness. He hasn't openly revealed anything yet without me finding some lies that have forced him. He finally told me they had a sexual relationship though- kind of on his own... But after another devestation lie that almost broke me. So frustrating.

You are so right- truth should be kind and humble. My WS has been kind in many ways since discovering A, but there is a missing piece when he's confronted with questions or the degree of defensiveness he goes to when I've discovered more lies. We just started couple counselling- maybe that will help.
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Courage
Good for you AH127, I can only wish mind did from the beginning. I hope your marriage is on the road to recovery.
My H has always been private and doesn't share a lot, much like your AP. I know he's said that he just doesn't want to hurt me further, which is why he has withheld. Of course each time he tells me things after I've discovered them, he tells me' that's it, there are no more lies' . So obviously trust is a big issue for me!! Thank you
AHmember127 wrote:
I have told the whole truth, but I'm a very open person in general. Women may also be more open than men. If I had to guess, I doubt my xAP told the whole truth to his wife. He's a private person, and I'm sure he believes withholding that information would cause less pain to his wife.
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Intuition77
Courage wrote:
Intuition77, how true. All the things your WS says mine does too! I almost dread asking bc of his defensiveness. He hasn't openly revealed anything yet without me finding some lies that have forced him. He finally told me they had a sexual relationship though- kind of on his own... But after another devestation lie that almost broke me. So frustrating.

You are so right- truth should be kind and humble. My WS has been kind in many ways since discovering A, but there is a missing piece when he's confronted with questions or the degree of defensiveness he goes to when I've discovered more lies. We just started couple counselling- maybe that will help.



I'm glad your spouse has at least been kind mine is so self centered he only feels his own pain. I've hit my limit. After calling him
Out on the new emotional affair he began he denied rationalized then admitted it was wrong but like before refused to take any personal responsibility to even tell
This woman this isn't appropriate stop calling texting me. Instead he ignored her for a few days saying I'm
Not even speaking to her anymore we had started to talk a bit and stupidly I had begun to hope he was coming around then I received devastating news about my father in the hospital and his response to me was a very cold "hope everything ends up ok for you". That was it. No empathy. No support. And the very next day he was back talking to whore #2 telling her through text he was there to listen because she had a bad day at work! Your wife's father is in the hospital
& you didn't offer to listen or talk to her!!! At this point divorce can't happen fast enough. I'm well & truly done. I've gone complete no contact since then and don't wish to have any ever again. I think I truly married an alien he is devoid of any humanness & he couldn't be honest if his life depended on it.
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Kalmarjan
Courage wrote:
Maybe some feedback from WS on this site would help shed some light for me and others. Even though some WS have said they now see the value in telling the whole truth, do you think you really have. I don't mean play-by-plays of your every conversation, of the depths of your sexual escapades, but answering reasonable questions- like- when did it start, where did you take her, did you take days off work to be with her, did you use protection, how old is she, how long has it been sexual, have you had any contact with her since Dday, was sex a big part of your relationship, did you talk about leaving me, were there future plans to be together indefinitely.....These are some of the questions I have asked my WS, and have gotten only snippets here and there or outright denials ( example- he was adamant from DDay that it didn't get sexual- which I now know it did- but I don't think I'm getting the whole truth there either) that is until recently he gave me a whole lot of painful truths- which I am so glad I have. But, I still think he is not be fully truthful in his answers. Thoughts?


I kept a huge part of my affair out. It dealt with pregnancy, and an abortion. I kept it from my wife because of our history with infertility, and because of two things. One, I was afraid she would dump my stupid ass, and two because I knew it would devastate her.

When I finally came clean, it lifted a weight off my chest, but my wife actually was mad that I told her. She actually wished out loud that I had kept it from her. U really, really wasn't expecting that.

As for the rest, I haven't given all the gory details, because they play - by-play would take forever, but I did touch on all the points like how old, when it truly started, how I moved out, etc.
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Courage
Thank you for your input. Any perspective I can get on the topic of the continual lies of my WS is helpful. I can understand many things about this affair process- how it can start, how it becomes an addiction, why the WS covers it up, but I can't get my head around the continued lies about questions about the affair- like denying for 7 months it was sexual is excruciating. To look me in the eye time and time again and swear " no more lies" and then find more is just so darn sad. It is very close to the nail in the coffin for me. I want to save my marriage but I am struggling!
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Kalmarjan
Amen. The worst part is feeling trapped into those lies. Ironically, in my case it was both not wanting to face up to it, and not wanting to hurt her. See, that's where things go to your head. It's like you are literally dumb.
You know that you're in deep, a Nd it's all you can do to fend off Armageddon. So, you lie. In my mind, I was shielding my wife from knowing my actions because I didn't want her to know and feel the pain I caused here. You lie some more.
Eventually, you keep track of the story, and even when it is literally so stupid you don't even believe yourself, you stick to it.
All in the name to avoid those two things up there which can also equate to approval.
A therapist told me this was classic passive/aggressive behavior.... Something I have always hated in others.
I know this is scattered, but that's exactly how our brains are when we are in the middle of the much with no paddle. It's that messed up.
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Courage
I guess I get it. I always try to put myself in my WS shoes to help me get a perspective, so that perhaps I can feel forgiveness and grace. I loved how you said,"it's literally so stupid you don't even believe it yourself" I've looked at my WS when he's lying and I know it and say, " oh come on, can you hear yourself?? You would never believe this if you heard it- never!" I just want to scream and punch walls ( I don't punch walls, but I've been known to scream into my pillow) bc I know the truth is in there inside this person who I thought I knew so well, and I just can't get at it!! Thx again for your TRUTH and insight.
Kalmarjan wrote:
Amen. The worst part is feeling trapped into those lies. Ironically, in my case it was both not wanting to face up to it, and not wanting to hurt her. See, that's where things go to your head. It's like you are literally dumb.
You know that you're in deep, a Nd it's all you can do to fend off Armageddon. So, you lie. In my mind, I was shielding my wife from knowing my actions because I didn't want her to know and feel the pain I caused here. You lie some more.
Eventually, you keep track of the story, and even when it is literally so stupid you don't even believe yourself, you stick to it.
All in the name to avoid those two things up there which can also equate to approval.
A therapist told me this was classic passive/aggressive behavior.... Something I have always hated in others.
I know this is scattered, but that's exactly how our brains are when we are in the middle of the much with no paddle. It's that messed up.
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Anna26

Courage;  I  try really hard to be empathic and understanding of the Ws's feelings too.  I know that I'm not the only one to be hurting and do try to show some compassion difficult though it is.  The assumption on his part that I was born yesterday, and will swallow any old rubbish, hook, line and sinker is beyond belief sometimes.  And he has actually admitted that it was easier to lie because it seemed the best thing to do at the time.  It felt to him like he wouldn't hurt my feelings as much if he did so.
So I've become an avid reader, of books, web pages, anything that would help me get into his head a little more and gain perspective. But that in itself can be so frustrating because I just sound like I completely swallowed the book when I'm trying to show that I understand...[rolleyes]

Sometimes, I really wish my WS would read some of the intelligent and articulate conversations in this community or another like it. I feel like what he needs is to see things for himself from the point of view of someone in the same situation as him. To get a grasp on things, and to know that despite what he is feeling for his AP at the moment, others have been there too and come back down to earth with, yes, a bit of a rough landing, because in truth the affair reality isn't actually real.  For him to see that other people have been there, and done, thought and felt exactly the same would, I feel, be a real eye opener.

Want to thank you too Kalmarjan, for being open, honest and so HELPFUL!  I really appreciate your comments [smile]
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Kalmarjan
Anna26 wrote:
Want to thank you too Kalmarjan, for being open, honest and so HELPFUL!  I really appreciate your comments [smile]


It's the least I can do. Part of my recovery is actually being honest. Especially with myself!
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