Jay_jaimee1
hi everyone, this is my first post on here as my situation is quite new! Well this last situation is new. I have been with my partner for 11 years with 3 young children. We have always had a good relationship but have had issues with his infidelity a few times. Reasons he believes stem from family and childhood problems. This last situation was 4 weeks ago where I found he was having a physical affair with someone he has known for years. He said she needed help and support due to depression and then things just happened. He is adamant that he still wants to work things out and knows this is more serious than the others as I'm a breaking point. He has actually gone to Addicts recovery and is working through a programme of which I can see some improvements. However one step was to right any wrongs so he decided to reconnect with the affair partner to make sure she was ok and help her through her stress as she was very depressed. I only found this out through asking lots of questions and feel like this is almost a worse betrayal than the actual affair! He has said that he has stopped all contact now after seeing how distressed I was. She has also made herself more accessible than ever as she now seems to have a friend that she visits nearly everyday who lives a few doors away from where my partner is staying at him mums. I feel so uncomfortable with him bumping into her most days and I feel like I can't move on from it. It's not helping my trust at all and my partner also does not understand why this would unsettle me so much.
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Fionarob
Hi, welcome to this forum.  Sorry you find yourself here.
Well it is completely understandable that you feel uncomfortable with the situation as it is.  The idea that your partner could be 'bumping into' the affair partner every few days, or still in contact with her will prevent you from moving on at all.  If he is not living with you it is very difficult to monitor his contact with her, how do you know how often he may be seeing her or talking to her?

It is not completely clear from your post what your situation is with your partner - is he living with his Mum while you decide whether to reconcile with him, is your relationship over, has he moved out permanently?  If he is working on himself by going to Addicts recovery are you waiting to see improvements before he moves back home?  How have you explained it to your children?

It sounds like your partner is still stuck in the mind set that his actions can be justified - for example, he was 'helping' the AP with her depression, he has reconnected with her to make sure she is OK and help her through her stress.  What about you?  What about your stress?  What about helping you? Quite honestly what he is doing is ridiculous and disrespectful to you and if he wants your relationship to stand any chance, then he needs to stop feeling responsible for the other woman, or at least using that as an excuse to stay in touch with her.  It is not something he should be negotiating with you - if she needs help with her stress and depression then she needs to see a doctor, not your partner.  If he wants your relationship to work then he needs to start realising it will never work while she is still part of his life.  I would have thought his work at Addicts recovery would have made that clear?  You cannot recover from an addiction while you are still exposing yourself to the 'drug' of choice -in this case the other woman.
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Jay_jaimee1
Thank you for your time to reply, it's so reassuring to know that someone is out there listening when it's so lonely in the situation. 
So he has previously had a few one night  stands before and I thought we had dealt with the issues and had actually built a stronger relationship, so much so we were in the process of waiting the exchange papers on our first bought home and also had a wedding planned in feb 2018. This is now obviously not happening as I can't ignore or deal with these issues in the same way as previously as it obviously didn't work very well. So I'm very aware of trying to do this differently so maybe we can get it right and this be the last time. 
The last one night stand was with the same woman he has recently been seeing. And it seems she was in need of him and his friendship and support (she is depressed and has health issues) so I feel worse this time around as I'm convinced there was more involved then just physical sex. Even though they both have said they don't want anything more from each other,I feel maybe she wanted a bit more than him.
I guess the situation at the moment is space for the time being whilst he works through the addicts programme and whilst I try and understand what I want and how I can cope and deal with this. I have said for now we can't be together so he is at his mums but I have also agreed that I would like to reconcile if he can show me his genuine improvements, however long that may take and if I'm Ina place of being able to move on. However, I'm also not very clear in what I need from him to help me as my head is a mess (except the usual honesty and openness and transparency especially with the other woman). 
It does say in one of the 12 steps if recovery to admit yhe people you have wronged in the process and to make amends directly unless it causes injury to others. In my view it's way too early (4 weeks after the affair) to reconnect with her and also feel I should have been part of the process. I just always feel like she knows more than I do and I'm always the one in the dark. He now says he realises that was a bad choice to speak with her but I'm. It sure how true that is or if it's excusing the behaviour. I feel she is making herself more accessible and visible in the last few weeks by visiting ger friend near enough every other day. He doesn't see it as an issue if he was to bump into her and says there's nothing he can do to stop that but I feel so stuck as I can't relax knowing she is always around and feel I can't move on to the next step as I'm constantly going crazy thinking about them 2 seeing each other.
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Fionarob
I agree - you should have been part of the process of him reconnecting with her.  He could have written her a letter which you then read before it was sent, or he could have 'phoned her with you listening in on the conversation.  But it's done now, so you can't change that.

What is important is how he moves on from here, because that will affect the outcome of all of this.  He needs to do the right things now.  You can't make him do it, or help him make those choices.  It has to come from him.

I found it very hard just to sit back and do nothing, and as a result I took on the main role in trying to fix everything.  I can see now that was wrong, but I just felt I had to do something.  But it does have to come from the WS, there is no point trying to do it for them, it just doesn't work.  All you can do at this moment is decide what you want to see from him before you decide whether to reconcile, and have a time frame in mind.
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