Blessedby7
.....the less hope I have for us. The more I learn about relationships the more I realize just how selfish I've let him be nearly all of our marriage. I've spent the last two days pretty much receiving the silent treatment because I dared say something about him eating our daughters food that she bought for work. Talk about childish. And he's been upset all week because a friend of ours has taken it upon herself to decorate my kids rooms. I've never had the money in my budget, so they've never had decorated rooms. He is probably feeling guilty, maybe ashamed, but come on, the ones still at home are 19, 17, 15 and 12, he's had plenty of time. It's just childish, selfish, and I realize now that he's been like this our entire marriage, it's just who he is. Sad to say but I don't think he's liking the woman I'm becoming, and I'm okay with that. 

I'm going on a trip to see my friend tomorrow. He doesn't know yet. I may be gone for a few days, maybe a couple weeks, as long as it takes for me to get my head clear.  My kids are going to make sure the toddler is taken care of.
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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JKoloseik
You go girl! I wish I could get away like that. I know it's what I need. Independence. Learn to love me again. So I'm working 80 hours a week now and taking extra shifts so that I can have freedom. Freedom to get away and freedom to save money for a beautiful get-away. Who knows. Maybe it'll be permanent. It took me so long to realize how trapped I allowed him to make me. How he covertly made me dependent on him. How extra money always seemed to disappear on things he'd want, and how easily he'd make me feel guilty for wanting to save my own money. How he kept me from my family for three years, and I never realized it. I was so blind! We're separated now. Yet, I'm still trapped. When I have extra time, I succumb to deep depression. I need to get away from that house, from that den of betrayal and triggers. Soon. Soon I will feel that freedom to be me again. Soon.
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Blessedby7
JKoloseik wrote:
You go girl! I wish I could get away like that. I know it's what I need. Independence. Learn to love me again. So I'm working 80 hours a week now and taking extra shifts so that I can have freedom. Freedom to get away and freedom to save money for a beautiful get-away. Who knows. Maybe it'll be permanent. It took me so long to realize how trapped I allowed him to make me. How he covertly made me dependent on him. How extra money always seemed to disappear on things he'd want, and how easily he'd make me feel guilty for wanting to save my own money. How he kept me from my family for three years, and I never realized it. I was so blind! We're separated now. Yet, I'm still trapped. When I have extra time, I succumb to deep depression. I need to get away from that house, from that den of betrayal and triggers. Soon. Soon I will feel that freedom to be me again. Soon.


Girl, read the book Boundaries, the marriage version.  There's also a book that was hugely eye opening for me called What Radical Husbands Do. I honestly don't think my husband even knows how selfish he's been. Heck, I didn't realize until I read the radical husbands book (and by the way, I'm not sure a betrayed man would appreciate this book at all, at least, not at first). It's in little things he's said and done. The boundaries book though, it's so very good.  I don't think he's going to like it much as I apply it, but I can't control that. All I can control is what I allow to affect me. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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JKoloseik
Blessedby7 wrote:


Girl, read the book Boundaries, the marriage version.  There's also a book that was hugely eye opening for me called What Radical Husbands Do. I honestly don't think my husband even knows how selfish he's been. Heck, I didn't realize until I read the radical husbands book (and by the way, I'm not sure a betrayed man would appreciate this book at all, at least, not at first). It's in little things he's said and done. The boundaries book though, it's so very good.  I don't think he's going to like it much as I apply it, but I can't control that. All I can control is what I allow to affect me. 


I'm so easily swayed by gas lighting and negging. And he's a "bundler." He bundles his tactics so covertly that I have to concentrate a full 24 hours to remember all of them and sort them out. Then I get so angry, because now I see it. I guess anger is better than confusion though. I see them now, the bundles are tougher, but with anger I remember my rights instead of question them. I've got so many boundary books, I'm exhausted by them. But one of them told me to be gentle with myself and take it slowly. That's helped. It's just this has dragged on for years! I want to remember what happiness is... now. You know?
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Blessedby7
Yeah, I know what you mean. Mine is so covert, I honestly don't think he knows himself what he's doing. I'm learning a lot, but the biggest thing I took away from the boundaries book was that I can't control him, or even really ask anything of him. But I can control my reaction, and whether or not I allow it to continue. For instance, if I'm getting the silent treatment for something small (or anything really) I can react and get angry, or I can try to placate like I've done in the past, or I can simply say "well, you're not talking, so I'm going to go read a book, or...".  

I will say, I think the best thing I've done for myself in all of this is give myself some space. I was done, and I knew I had strayed so far from my faith and needed that desperately. I know not everyone here is a Christian, but I am, and my relationship with God was suffering greatly because I was so mad at Him. I just came to visit a friend I greatly admire for her faith, and she is helping rekindle that relationship, and heal. I left everyone at home, gave him no explanation  (cause he wasn't talking to me anyway) and drove three hours with just my infant. It has been so healing. I highly recommend it to anyone in this situation to go off with a trusted friend, mentor, counselor or even by yourself for a while and find some healing. I'm not sure yet how long I'll stay here, as long as I need or until they kick me out...lol. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
Blessedby7 wrote:
.....the less hope I have for us. The more I learn about relationships the more I realize just how selfish I've let him be nearly all of our marriage. I've spent the last two days pretty much receiving the silent treatment because I dared say something about him eating our daughters food that she bought for work. Talk about childish. And he's been upset all week because a friend of ours has taken it upon herself to decorate my kids rooms. I've never had the money in my budget, so they've never had decorated rooms. He is probably feeling guilty, maybe ashamed, but come on, the ones still at home are 19, 17, 15 and 12, he's had plenty of time. It's just childish, selfish, and I realize now that he's been like this our entire marriage, it's just who he is. Sad to say but I don't think he's liking the woman I'm becoming, and I'm okay with that. 

I'm going on a trip to see my friend tomorrow. He doesn't know yet. I may be gone for a few days, maybe a couple weeks, as long as it takes for me to get my head clear.  My kids are going to make sure the toddler is taken care of.


This is one of the interesting outcomes of a situation like this.  I personally considered it one of the few silver linings of a bag of crap, though some may not (especially some WSs) 

Things that you, as the BS, had put up with for a long time because you were in it for "better or for worse" become unacceptable.  If, when deciding whether to rebuild or not, you conduct an honest inventory of your marriage pre-DD - and what you are willing to sign up for now that the marriage covenant has been broken - it can look a LOT different than what you agreed to the first go-around.  As I have mentioned on countless threads here, my husband had very little emotional intelligence and I had the unspoken "responsibility" to help him sort out his emotions, deal with all uncomfortable emotional situations in my family or HIS, eliminate confrontation from his life by "intuiting" what he needed before he became resentful since he didn't know how to ask for it, etc.   After DD, it became non-negotiable to resign that position for me.  

He could either grow into it, or we weren't going to last.  It was long, hard and bumpy road.  But in his case, he DID come to see the value for me and himself - and has grown into it.  But I had to be ready and prepared to:

1) Not step in when he failed miserably at it at first. How  does someone learn if they aren't allowed to make mistakes?
2) Be willing to leave if it became apparent over the long haul that no significant progress was being made. This is where setting time frames in my phone of 6 months or a year really helped.  These aren't changes that happen over night - but they should be measurable in months/years.  so when I could look back over 6 months and see where he HAD made progress, I was willing to sign on for another 6 months to see if it continued without worrying that at some point I'd look up and a decade had passed with me still "waiting".  At around 2.5 years I realized he'd made enough progress that I could comfortably stop setting alarms in my phone.  But if I ever felt he was backsliding - I'd take very strong notice and likely set a time limit to see if it was a short term setback - or a choice to return to his old ways.  
3) Be ready to deal with him not liking the woman I'd become or the boundaries I was enforcing for my own well being.  It was hard, but I started protecting and caring for myself like I do my daughter.  No compromises on safety and security, or what I need to thrive.  

I am really, really glad to hear the change in your outlook.  Focusing on healing YOURSELF is key to surviving this trauma.  You can guarantee that YOU come out of this stronger, healthier.  Whether he does will be up to him.  He WILL struggle now that you are changing.  But he may surprise you.  After some initial failures, he may start growing (like my husband did.)  It won't be pretty or smooth at first - and there will be times it will be hard not to be condescending as they act like teenagers having to take responsibility for themselves for the first time.  BUT, if they are committed to changing, they start to get better at it just like those teenagers who grow into emotionally responsible adults.  Or he may not.  He may double-down on the behavior of a lifetime - and you will have to decide what you want to do about that.  But either way, it will take a bit of time to sort itself out, and in that space you do EXACTLY what you are doing right now - focus on YOU.  

LOVE that you chose to take some time away for yourself.  BRAVO!
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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