Littlebylittle
A few of you may recall my last post in the rebuilding a marriage thread, suffice to say that it's not working out that way. 
After receiving advice here I began stepping back and looking more critically at my WS behavior and saw he was really making no attempts to reconcile. I suspected continued connection with the OW.
So I went digging. Found 3 years of awful evidence,  photos etc. and his passwords. So I logged into his phone and added his account to mine. The next week I saw daily interaction between them beginning with good morning,  I love you, ending with good night, I love you,  and everything in between that you would expect from a couple in a loving and dedicated relationship. It was soul crushing. He even invited her on an overnight trip,  told her to never even think about them not being together and that their relationship might very well be the best thing for my 2 kids (12 and 13).
I asked him to look me in the eye and tell me what the status of his contact with her is and he lied to my face. I then told him I read texts on his phone (not that I had continued access). I told him we were going to separate. He didn't agree and asked me to wait,  to not give up hope. After one more week of tracking his phone,  I told him separating was the only way to save our parenting relationship,  that I have lost all hope for the marriage. I told him he'd finally destroyed me enough to give up and that his behavior was extremely unhealthy and damaging. For the first time he appeared to understand the impact but he's too late. I told him I can never trust him again or forgive him. 
The problem is he refuses to discuss or even fathom a separation. He won't leave and says there's no way he could live somewhere that the kids don't. He's obviously unwell,  delusional and needs counseling but refuses to go.
I need to get my separation agreement and boundaries down on paper and get him to go along with it but don't know how. I wonder if Tim's inhouse separation would work as a start, because otherwise I am at a loss of where to start.
I am completely destroyed by what he's done but now I at least feel some relief that I am no longer chasing after him and wanting him as my husband. Of course I feel that would have been best for the kids but I finally see what a toxic partner he is for me. I do deserve so much better. I just don't know how I will ever get through this part to feel normal again. 
Always appreciate your help and support,  thank you forum friends. 

BS, female
DD April 26, 2019
2 kids
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Keepabuzz
I hate to hear this, but at least your path is clear. Your next step need to be seeing a lawyer tomorrow morning.  Your cheating husband doesn’t get to decide if you separate or not. He doesn’t own you. Consult a good lawyer, then follow his/her directions and move forward to separation. Now is the time for self care, and self protection.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Vanessa
First, I am so sorry you are in this situation - it is awful and so excruciatingly painful -
Second, see a lawyer NOW!  The lawyer can help you get what you need and what is fair in the circumstances - "not separating" is no longer one of his choices - he just thinks he gets to rewrite the laws of nature and mankind to suit his wishes to have you both - don't fall for that
Third, from now on, you need to be single minded in your focus - YOU and the KIDS - his wants and wishes must become irrelevant - that is VERY hard after all these years of loving someone, but he is ABUSING you, your love for him, your family and your kids by putting them in this awful situation.  Once you fully understand that what he is doing to you is abuse you can start to see more clearly - If he had beaten you up physically would you feel so compelled to protect or accommodate him?  Nope, I doubt it.  You are now standing up for yourself and rightly so.  It is SO hard not to fall into the "but I love him" trap and excuse one thing or another.  You just focus on you and your kids and let him figure out him,  as I told my WS, the only thing we had in common during his affair was that we were both in love with him!  YOU be the one to love YOU and your kids. 
Fourth, I would love to tell you that as soon as you file, or separate or whatever you are going to do that you will be "all better" - sadly this is a "gift" that keeps on giving - recovery is a long and difficult process.  Its a marathon, not a sprint.  So self care is hugely important.  You cannot be the sane and proper parent your kids need if you are completely exhausted.  Ask for help and take it.  Be "selfish" once in a while - take a nap, or a bubble bath or a run just for you, because it will make YOU feel better not because you should.  
Fifth, it does get better.  Slowly, incrementally, but once you have disengaged from someone who is lying to your face, you will regain your sense of self, you will start to see yourself for the wonderful person that you are.  Remember you did not cause this, it is NOT your fault. 
Hugs
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anthro
How horrific.

In case you start feeling like maybe you are overreacting, please be aware that, objectively, what you have experienced (and are experiencing) is severely traumatic. It would be completely normal to be a total mess, hypervigilant, touchy, easily triggered, etc for some time now.

And wow just imagine how long and how terribly he might have kept yanking your chain if you hadn't gotten this information. Just wow. Your post is a reminder to the rest of us just how easily a WS can present totally differently to the AP vs the BS. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ThrivenotSurvive
I am so sorry LittlebyLirtle that your WS has squandered the opportunity you gave him.  That being said, you DO deserve far better.  Follow the advice of those above and begin protecting yourself and your children.

He is definitely not acting in a healthy or rational way, so you (as unfair as it is) will need to be strong for your children, to lessen the impact of his decisions on them,  not because he deserves any help - but because they are innocent bystanders of his meltdown  as well. 

Then focus on you, get yourself some counseling if possible. If not, start reading about women who have come back from hardships, about resilience and rebuilding a life you love.  This won’t be easy but it CAN be rewarding.  I have known many people where you are now who found themselves a couple years down the road feeling good, happy, fulfilled.  Loving the life they were living.  But there were some very hard days to get to that place.  

But trust me on this - staying with a truly remorseful, ready to “do what it takes” spouse isn’t easy for years - and staying with one that is still lying and betraying far worse.   There isn’t a path from betrayal that doesn’t have pain and hardship - only the one that leads to the best outcome for you and your children.  And through your strength and willingness to look at you WS with clear eyes, you’ve figured out what that path is.  Be proud of your strength, your integrity - and hold you head high. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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triplehooks
Little,

It's time to strike and strike hard.  This thread and your original "He's not doing enough..." thread contain some valuable suggestions. 

If you are in a "fault" location, absolutely get the most "proof" you can.  Hire a PI.

Ask your most affluent friend who has experienced divorce and received the most favorable settlement for referrals.  If you don't know someone like that directly ask around in your social network.  Consult the top five bulldog attorneys in your area and conflict them out of representing him.

Retain the best one. 

And then crush his b@lls and get everything you can.  He should pay for playing you for the last three years, and compensate you for the many more that he "stole" or invalidated by rendering them a waste of time with his duplicity.

Then reacquaint yourself with who you are, what you like and what you want out of life.

Write down all your goals and increase in your happiness and joy as you knock each one down like bowling pins.

Good luck.  
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hurting
I’m so sorry that you have had to face more of this crap. The situation sounds agonising.

On the up side... (if there is one), you finally know where you stand. I agree, HE doesn’t get to choose what you do from here. Go find a lawyer and get what advice you need to GTFO. His opportunity to choose your marriage has past. He no longer gets a say. He HAD that opportunity, and he chose to toss it in your face. This is his loss.

Please try to look after yourself. It is so so hard when you have just lost everything, but you are on the right track. Surround yourself with those who will support you, and do things for YOU. Take time out for yourself. 
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Fionarob
Wow.  Anyone who can say that an affair is the best thing for their kids is out of their mind.   I would have doubted that anyone could be so completely delusional, but my ex said similar things at one point, so I know it's possible.  But it's complete madness.

Trust me when I say that it does get better.  You will feel the enormous weight of living with betrayal slowly lift, and you will begin to feel free.  Then you will begin to feel powerful and then, one day, you will feel like you are capable of anything - because you are.  It takes time, but you will get there.

I never believed I could live without my ex husband, be a single mum, recover from his betrayal etc.  But I did.  And it feels good.

Be proud of yourself for being willing to forgive him and trying to repair your marriage.  Stay strong in your decision, because once he realises you really mean it he will be in absolute panic.  Suddenly this situation that he has been in control of is no longer in his control.  It won't sit very well with him.  That's when my ex got really nasty.  He said more hateful things to me once I made him leave, than he ever had in our 18 years together. 
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AHmember113
Do not let him weaken your resolve, talk you into staying, make you question what you know to be true or make you feel guilty.  He will likely try every tactic to get you to stay.  I can’t tell you what to do but just be aware your self esteem and self worth may never fully recover if you do stay. 

See a lawyer ASAP and know what your rights are.  In some states you may be entitled to the house outright.  With no reconciliation possible, an in house separation, to me, gives him an opportunity to wear you down or become obstinate and deliberately hurt you by words or actions.

I’m so sorry.  
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Experiencethedevine29
What a horrific discovery. I’m so sorry you’ve sacrificed so much of yourself to try to save your marriage only to discover the gift you’ve given this jackass has been returned to you unopened...🤬. 

I agree with all the others.  

You’ve shown  this 🛎🔚 your generous compassion and willingness to try to forgive.  Now show him your refusal to be his  doormat...

 He Thinks your children would benefit from his ‘relationship’ with his concubine??😳?  WTF?

Get the W⚓️ Out of yours and your children’s home and start living an authentic life without his ridiculous ass....😡

wishing  you strength and a much brighter future dear lady, and as so many have already stated, you will be so happier when you rid yourself of your excess baggage. 

ETD 🌻
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