Trinity

FIRST, I LOVE and HATE having to be a member here in this website !!  
Im sure everyone gets that.  I wanted to post things I have learned and been forced fed. (I know you get that too). I hope to get a list !!! 😉

#1.   LOVE, it is NOT enough !!!  
#2.   What one says and what they DO are two different things.
#3.   

BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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GingerHoneyBunny
Trinity wrote:

FIRST, I LOVE and HATE having to be a member here in this website !!  
Im sure everyone gets that.  I wanted to post things I have learned and been forced fed. (I know you get that too). I hope to get a list !!! 😉

#1.   LOVE, it is NOT enough !!!  
#2.   What one says and what they DO are two different things.
#3.   Sorry is not enough, sorry is no cure! 

Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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anthropoidape
A year past d-day, I am still working on things with my wife and we are very much in "maybe" land.

One thing I have learned is... the best advice to a betrayed spouse after infidelity is to dump the cheater, just as quickly as is convenient. This should be the default position. The reason is that even if you manage to rebuild you are faced with years of agony in a wounded relationship and you will forever be stuck with someone who causes you pain.

The point is not that everyone should quit, but that anyone who stays should have overwhelming reasons for it. Like, really overwhelming. Young kids, or some really good reason to believe the affair was truly aberrant behaviour and the cheater really was not being him/her self. 

If anyone asks me, I will say, "dump him/her". If despite that they decide to stay,  then I will try to help them but I hope their eyes would be open to the what they are taking on.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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GingerHoneyBunny
anthropoidape wrote:
A year past d-day, I am still working on things with my wife and we are very much in "maybe" land.
Dont they all say that 1 yr is like still baby steps? I listened to a Joe Beam podcast and he shared that his wife took a year just to feel that she could love him again and they got back together because they wanted to do the right thing.


One thing I have learned is... the best advice to a betrayed spouse after infidelity is to dump the cheater, just as quickly as is convenient. This should be the default position. The reason is that even if you manage to rebuild you are faced with years of agony in a wounded relationship and you will forever be stuck with someone who causes you pain.
OMG, can i just dump her like now ASAP!? I dont want to stay out of pity or just for the kids anymore. I dont know how i will keep my sanity and integrity at the same time. I'm afraid my wife will try suicide if I do leave now, and i think I will leave her eventually, esp after the kids have grown up. But, there are lots of studies showing that even adult kids are really hurt by divorces (my wife's parents case a prime example; a really nasty divorce).

The point is not that everyone should quit, but that anyone who stays should have overwhelming reasons for it. Like, really overwhelming. Young kids, or some really good reason to believe the affair was truly aberrant behaviour and the cheater really was not being him/her self. 
But, i know i cant get over it, like EVER!

If anyone asks me, I will say, "dump him/her". If despite that they decide to stay,  then I will try to help them but I hope their eyes would be open to the what they are taking on.
God, we all need help. You do have such a good way with words. I wish I was your girlfriend, you could write me love poems 😂

Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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anthropoidape
GingerHoneyBunny wrote:
God, we all need help. You do have such a good way with words. I wish I was your girlfriend, you could write me love poems


You're not my type 😉

Jokes aside I am often struck by just how good the people on this site are, the BSes, and how they often seem like exactly the sort of people who ought to be cherished and who are least deserving (not thst anyone is deserving of it) of being abused by a cheating spouse. It makes me sad.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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GingerHoneyBunny
Or is it just perspective? Stay and rebuild in a wounded relationship or enter into a new relationship as many others who survive say it? I can't. Just can't stay in such a wounded relationship. I want a new one. But I can't see how to have a new one with the same person
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Trinity
GingerHoneyBunny wrote:
Or is it just perspective? Stay and rebuild in a wounded relationship or enter into a new relationship as many others who survive say it? I can't. Just can't stay in such a wounded relationship. I want a new one. But I can't see how to have a new one with the same person


Anything is possible.  Have you been able to go down the forgiveness road ??  It's a difficult one.
Of course every persons circumstances are different and what a person will and will not tolerate varies greatly however,  I really believe if there is honest remorse from the WS and there is a real love between you then, there is hope.

Perhaps we are exactly where we need to be to get to where we need to go. 😉  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Laurajean83
I don't know if WS get to add to the things learnt list.  So I may start one of my own WS could add to 

1.  Their is no such thing as an innocent flirt.  You CANNOT control that monster! Never entertain the beginning steps! 

2. (Stole from GHB) Sorry doesn't make it all go away. It isn't a cure.  

3.   
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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GingerHoneyBunny
Trinity wrote:


Anything is possible.  Have you been able to go down the forgiveness road ??  It's a difficult one.
Of course every persons circumstances are different and what a person will and will not tolerate varies greatly however,  I really believe if there is honest remorse from the WS and there is a real love between you then, there is hope.

Perhaps we are exactly where we need to be to get to where we need to go. 😉  

"T"


I think I'm on the forgiveness train for my wife but I realize now I was too quick to forgive the AP. So now 2 weeks I'm being hooked by anger and it's been really difficult to let it go... Not even intimacy soothes it and I have been very withdrawn for about 7 days now. I know that to forgive does not mean getting over it. But I don't know how to proceed from here 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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anthropoidape
Anger is a wave you just have to ride out I think. 

There are probably different ways out of it but one is to deny the AP the power of making you angry. Why should that kind of pond scum have the power to affect your mood? Don't permit it.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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UrbanExplorer
One thing I have learned is that marriage, especially a long one, is really difficult no matter the particulars of your path. As you get older and know more people who have struggled, divorced, or have marriages of convenience, you realize that nobody else has it completely figured out, either. 
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Vanessa
#4 Love is a verb, not a feeling. 
When someone TELLS me he loves me (wrote "I love you notes" for me before leaving to go meet the AP for a romp in the hay) but his ACTIONS show me he disrespects me (lying, betrayal, risking my health, my financial future. . . . ) I have learned to trust the ACTIONS, as words are cheap. 
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stillme
I am almost 2 years from d-day, here are the things I have learned:

1. When someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them. 
2. Infidelity, cheating, affairs - whatever you want to call them - ARE a form of abuse. Period. If you are in a relationship with someone who is/has had an affair (or multiple affairs), you are in an abusive relationship. The abuse is emotional - especially because affairs often come with gaslighting and lying. The abuse is also financial - as I have yet to see any affair that did not take at least some funds from household funds. Everything from buying lunch to hotel rooms and have even seen cheaters taking expensive trips with their AP. Taking household funds and secretly using them outside the household is financial abuse. The abuse IS physical. Rarely does a cheater have their affair partner take a medical exam before engaging in the physical part of the affair. Even if using some protection, there is still the chance that they can pick up a sexually transmitted disease or infection. Every victim of a partner having an affair should go get tested for an STD/STI. That alone is humiliating, but unfortunately I know people that were given STIs from their spouse who had an affair.
3. The person you 'thought' you married isn't the person you actually married. People will 'think' it is. Want to know who and what your spouse really is? Have them do a therapeutic disclosure that includes a lie detector test run by a professional. There is something different about people that cheat than people that don't. Cheating doesn't happen out of no where and it usually starts with the cheater being a very, very good liar. 
4. Lying is an addictive behavior and it is incredibly hard for people that easily lie to stop lying. When you peel back the onion you will find out your cheating partner was first and foremost a liar, and that set everything in the marriage on unstable ground from day one. If you choose to stay, you have to agree to live with a liar. They will tell you they don't lie anymore, and they will be lying when they tell you that. Especially when you find out they lied about things that weren't even important, they lie about everything from the mundane to the serious. Cheating starts with lying to you and they will give up an affair partner long before they will ever consider giving up lying.
5. Beware of people that require you to compromise your core beliefs to stay in a marriage. This isn't just your cheater, but family, friends, and even counselors. 
6. Beware people that tell you that you have any role in your spouse cheating. If your spouse slapped you in the face or hit you with a frying pan - would these same people tell you that you must figure out what 'your role' was in making your spouse physically hit you? Would they tell you that if you had been more loving your spouse would not have kicked you down a flight of stairs? Would they tell you if you hadn't been so emotionally distant, your spouse would not have punched you in the stomach? Why? Because no matter what the other person does, physically hitting someone is ALWAYS on the person doing the hitting. They had 100 ways to deal with an emotionally distant spouse that didn't involve hitting; if they hit - that was their choice and they should have real and lasting consequences for that choice. The same for cheating. If someone is telling you to accept 'your blame' for your spouse cheating - run. This is a person that either doesn't think cheating is a big deal or they are trying to minimize due to their own past or current infidelity. No one on earth is perfect - and that still doesn't mean slapping, hitting, punching, or choking them is okay because they aren't perfect. The same for cheating - having an imperfect spouse in no way makes cheating on them even 1% their fault. I also notice people that cheat ALWAYS go to cheating first. They never start with going to counseling, asking their spouse to go on vacation, treating their 'emotionally distant' spouse kind and sweet and upping their own commitment to the marriage. Nope, they deal with anything from dishes in the sink to 'emotional distance' with cheating. No, problem isn't you - it is them.
7. There is zero you could have done that would have stopped your spouse from cheating. Absolutely 100% nothing could have stopped your spouse from cheating. I was not a bad wife. You were not a bad husband/wife. You could not have loved them harder or deeper and kept them from cheating. You could not have lost weight and kept them faithful. You could not have been more open or more loving and stopped them from cheating. Affairs are a flaw in the character of the person doing the cheating - no matter what you did they would have found an excuse to go out and cheat. It is driven by selfish behavior and selfish people are going to do what they want to do, no matter who it hurts. They don't care that it will emotionally rip you in two. They don't care that it will hurt your children. They don't care that it will damage the family. Yes, they will appear to feel guilty after they got caught. Is it truly guilt if it only surfaces AFTER a person got caught? If they actually felt guilty - it would be called "disclosure day", not "discovery day". Just like a child that cries AFTER they have their hand caught in the candy jar, the cheating partner might feel shame, but not guilt. And, mostly they will feel anger and frustration at having their 'fun' interrupted. 
8. If you are the betrayed spouse - just focus on saving yourself (and your children if you have any). Whether you stay in the marriage or leave - focus on yourself. Your healing and your own physical and emotional health and safety depend on you worrying about and protecting yourself. Your partner made their choice and they was to hurt you, know this is who and what they are - protect yourself from their ability to continue to hurt you. 
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