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Integrity1
Nelson, I think the good day scare me too. I'm scared to trust again, scared to let go of the control, even though I know I don't have any over him.  Perhaps it's the control of my emotions, like if it happens again at least I expected it, or was prepared for it so it won't hurt as bad.  I'm sure it's completely irrational, but the good days scare me and I think I also go into protective mode afterwards and get sucked back into feeling crappy. 
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neslon
Hi Integrity1 - I'm having a day of crap too - My husband finally gets home from business travel and he's been GREAT on communication for this trip.  He seems to know I need to hear more positives and get more reassurement that things are getting better.  In that same line - I'm tempted to cancel my IC appointment tomorrow because I want to stay "safe" and not pick at the strings.  I'm forcing myself to go however as we have a wedding this weekend and I'm scared of how I will be.  I know it needs to be talked about.

On the OW - Just my thought - It's really sad that she is giving up so much power of her life and wasting so much energy by trying to control a situation in social media that essentially she has very little control of.  This is such a statement at the wounds she has and not the strength that you have.  The OW in my life has likely picked her next victim.  I doubt she will ever get help until her daughters find out what she does for a hobby.  I think she would be appalled to know that I pity her and the weakness in her that keeps her from getting help for her pain/wounds instead searching for temporary love.  It can't feel good to be her most days.
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Integrity1
Yea, I don't know what's worse.. an OW on to her next victim or an OW who is completely obsessed with your spouse. I wish she would just move on, seems like another dark cloud looming over my healing, just knowing she's out there typing away everyday about how much she loved him. Ugh, it's sickening really. Gives me chills just thinking of it. Makes me mad that it ever got to that level or that it ever happened for that matter.

I hear you about the wedding. That's tough! I don't even want to be married anymore (lol like I said having a crap day). Would rather be divorced. End this marriage, start another one off right. I feel like the symbolism of it would be healing to me, or maybe I would just feel more in control if I were divorced. A little more free from this nightmare marriage where all my dreams were shattered. New marriage...new dreams with a new mindset. Sounds good to me. I have counseling tonight. Can't wait! Need to get it out, my husband isn't a good shoulder. That's his weak spot. Good luck this weekend at the wedding. You got this!
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neslon
Integrity1 - I say this with love but remember even in a different marriage you still only have control of you.  This has been my number 1 lesson in this process.  The thought that we have control over another human being is a lie.  I attempted to control my husband through guilt and nagging while he tried to control me with lack of information.  All this control did was build bitterness in us both.  

You will need to decide if you move forward with your current husband but remember just the old dreams died.  You can still have new dreams with him if you choose.  I hope you are able to gain clarity on your husband and his ways.

My husband has selfish tendencies but I would say until the year of his affair he was brutal with himself and others on ethics and morals.  I think that's most of his internal battle now.

Also on the OW - remember in her head she loved him...reality is likely she loved the way he made her feel.  She's missing the ego stroke.  Essentially she's obsessed with herself and her need for self-esteem.  Either way I hope you don't give her any more power over your life and thoughts.  I am talking a good game btw as 2-3 days ago I had a crappier day and the OW lived in my head that day.  I hate those days as it's easier to fight the image of the OW than it is to fight for a happy better marriage and the limbo of recovery.  It's easier for me to sit in pain about him choosing her over me when really he chose himself over us during that time.
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Integrity1
Hey Nelson,

I'm definitely all in with this recovery process. I love my husband and our life together. We have a lot of great times, and are rebuilding. It just sucks some days. I know there are new dreams, but what an amazing dream I lived before for 12 years. It was a beautiful thing and a major loss for me. Too good to be true they used to say, ironically. But I'm working through that grief and embracing the new. On good days, I am glad something happened so severe for him to change as drastically as he has. I just can't wait until I'm on the other side of this process. As far as the OW, I was getting much better about letting the thoughts of her go, I was traumatized by the 2 hour conversation I had with her on DDAY. Which is how I found out. She gave me every little detail. But recently she reached out to friends of mine, and it kind of stirred up the trauma for me. I haven't contacted or looked or anything. I refuse to even get involved. I know I can't control her and what she does and she just wants me to look anyway probably. But it has been bothering me, naturally. Taking the high road isn't always easy. What I naturally want to do is go over there and teach her a lesson she deserves and will never forget. Have her feel the pain she put me through...sorry just being honest, and I'm kind of hot right now. But I'm not that person, and I refuse to give her that kind of energy. Besides, I only have enough right now for my healing and my family.
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neslon
You will likely get to build me up on my next bad day. If you look at my first post on this topic you will see I have many. Too new to this not to have bad days!!

I hate that you have a bunny boiler of an ow in your life. It's tough that she got joy from your dday. I've never met the ow in my case but got to see her live and in person a few weeks ago but it fought the fantasy person I had built her to be. My a$$ is much smaller. [wink]

You have fought through a lot - own that strength!! And again this is something I need to be reminded of but we have the right to have a bad day! I struggle with grieving the loss of the dream. I think it's hard to know that he didn't feel like he could connect with me or trust me with his weakness but I know I was not in a good place then either. I can't fix the past and neither can he but if we work together we have a really good shot at a future!
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neslon
I was also going to add to the OW part of the conversation that the other way to play the dday in your head is I bet that day didn't go as she planned!!  I bet she thought that you would walk away or your husband would go running to her.  She found out that she didn't have the relationship she thought she did.  I was destroyed after seeing the OW in my life twice in 1 week.  My IC pointed out that not only did I survive and see her for what she really was but she saw my husband out with my family twice in a week and nothing more could show her that we are working on our marriage.  That image has power.  Those first year reminders are hell...the big ones are ahead for me in the next month or two...I'm not looking forward to those days/weeks I hope to be able to fight off the demon thoughts and find some optimism that things are better than last year.
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Integrity1
Thanks, Nelson. Yes I know it def didn't go the way she planned for it, to discover that it was all lies. But she knew, she saw all our social media, vacations, laughter and love. She is just a poor, weak woman. Sad really. A single woman begging and waiting around for a married man. I absolutely can not relate to that kind of low self esteem. In counseling a test I took showed I score very high on self-esteem and assertiveness. So for me, being number two is unfathomable. Never happen.
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