Crissie
Tuesday the 4th November 2014.
A date I'll never ever forget! The date my world came crashing down. The date I lost my hero, my safe place, my heart.

My OH has always been a bit of a flirt, it's one of the things I love about him! People; not just women but males too, are drawn to him like he's a magnet. He's extremely charming, outgoing, funny, very handsome and charismatic. He makes people feel good about themselves just by the way he says Hello. The most beautiful amazing man I know!
His childhood was extremely violent and unstable, he was 18 when I met him nearly 17 years ago and full of hate. 'Something' has always told me {and still does} that I was made to love this man; make him truly believe that he is worth so much more than he feels he is. That he wasn't a mistake and a waste of space like his Mum had him believe. That someone does love him unconditionally; Me!
It was a long, hard road but after many years and 3 babies that he is the most amazing father to. He finally feels loved.
Because of this he wanted to marry me, we'd always talked about it but life kept happening and we both never felt truly ready. {Now I know why!}
My Dad is terminally ill so after my OH proposed we started planning our wedding right away so my Dad would still be here to see us get married; he's always been our biggest cheerleader; with only daughters he loves my OH like a son.
Mid wedding-planning-stressful-stuff, my OH decides to tell me he had a one night stand a few years ago and he can't marry me with that secret so he had to be 'honest' in order to be the man I deserve. Blah blah blah!
I went into shock I think!? I Immediately cancelled all my wedding plans and rebelled against him. I quite literally lost my mind and by New Years I had a mental breakdown {other factors in my life also contributed to that} he refused to tell me anything cuz he didn't wanna relive the past, pfffft! Whatever! And I turned into a total crazy lady obsessing over every detail and trying to find my own answers, I turned cold towards my OH because I knew he wasn't telling me the whole truth. It was my defense for every arguement. He wanted me to forget about it and move on; I just wanted him to stop lying to me!
This carried on until August of this year when he finally admitted to me that he's had numerous one night stands for the first 13 mother trucking years of our relationship! He has no excuse really other than "he thought that's how all relationships work and that I was doing the same thing behind his back, apparently in his views on life; you pick one person who you love and want to grown old with and as long as you're looking after them in all other ways you can sleep around as much as you like'
{I feel so nauseous after writing all that} has my whole adult life been a facade?
Our sex life has always been and still is mind you, fantastically mind blowing! We've always been very adventurous and open-minded, I never turn him down even if I really don't feel like it because I like to keep him satisfied. That makes it hard to get my head around?? Who is this man that I love and adore, the man I chose to father my children cuz I thought he was the epitomy of what a father figure should be.??
Now he's turned mean towards me he says; I do his head in with my questions, why can't I just accept his apology, take into account that he has finally told me the truth and get over it and move on' he says; ' the way my emotions are all over the place is like a teenage girl who just got dumped not a strong grown woman' he thought I was strong enough to handle the truth. Nothing I say makes sense to him he looks at me like I'm an alien speaking Chinese. He thinks I have mental issues cuz my behaviour is erratic and I speak too fast for a normal person. Yesterday he told me if I don't change; cuz I've let things slip {like some days I just can't find the energy to clean the house so I leave it until the next day} I'm 1 of 5 people in this house my boys are 12,9and 2 so the two eldest ones are more than capable of cleaning up after themselves but do ya think they do??? Of course not! Anyway... He said if I don't pick myself up and go back to the old me then he's going to walk away. The old me is dead and gone! Where do I go from here? Why can't I walk away from this man? He's destroyed us and he's turned mean to me but yet I'm still here. He'll leave me before I leave him how pathetic is that!?
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Crissie
Other than my sons I only have 2 men in my life. They both used to be my safe places my only 2 safe places in this world! My Dad and My OH. I'm officially losing both of them [frown] my Dad, my protector, my 1st best friend, the man who taught me how to love and who I look up to has gone from a big strong 130kg man to a frail small 60kg, he looks so old [frown] I don't feel safe anymore when I go home to spend time with him, I feel like I have to protect him now, I don't sleep when I'm there I constantly check outside around the house at night and stay up listening to my Dad breathe. It's a strange feeling I don't even have a name for it??
Then there's My Sunshine, My OH, the father of my children, our protector, my partner in crime, my sparring partner, my best friend and lover, my heart isn't and never had been safe with him! It's just all shattered and floating around in my chest trying to figure out how in the world it's going to put its self back together especially after My Dad takes a piece with him when he goes [frown]
I dunno if my Oh is right in that I need to toughen up but I can't help but feel like it's tearing me up inside, this disgusting feeling I carry with me constantly; does it ever go away? I'm scared I won't get through this, I need my Dad to help me survive my relationship ending and I need my OH to help me survive my Dad leaving me [frown]
My Dad has no idea I want him to rest in peace and if he knew what was really going on with me he wouldn't rest easy, he deserves to rest with not 1 worry.
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Kalmarjan
Wow. You've been through a lot Crissy, more than anyone in your situation has to go through.

First, let me say I'm sorry. I'm a WS myself, and I have no excuse for what I done. Here's the thing... Neither does your OH.

I'm not sure about your situation, your financial situation or what not. But, let me tell you something I learned the hard way. In any relationship BOTH sides hold the cards.

Sure, you've been shocked and awed right now and you probably don't know which way is up. While you are on the ropes your OH is coming in and applying pressure for you to "give up" and forget it.

But...

Hes really stupid right now.

Let me lay it out for you, another côté (what is that word on English again...?)

You are at home I guess, and taking care of the children. He is going to walk away?

Well, then there is the issue of child support. Visitation. Having to move out and start a new life. Rebuy everything. Have two different sets of holidays, and then there is the pressure of the kids.

Your guy is living in a dreamland. Period. Here's the thing... He stands to lose so much, he is just too stupid to realize it.

So, now is your time to be strong. Not strong like hard, it like the willow... It bends with the wind, yet remains in place.

You work on you. Decide what you want. F*ck it... He has already spent 13 years banging everything that can move on the side, so it's time for you to call some shots here. Obviously it's not gonna work for you, and again, you hold all the cards here... Especially in the case of infidelity.

So, decide what your boundaries are in this situation... What you will and will not tolerate. And tell him in no uncertain terms what that is with no wiggle room. Remind him that this is a relationship and while you are willing to work on the marriage (and that's a IF) then there are some things he is going to have to sacrifice in order to get back what he pissed away.

That is, his "freedom" with all his social. Media, whereabouts etc.

He will need to decide where he is at too.. And if it works for him. Bit for now, you cannot worry about what is in his head... Because it leads nowhere...

Let him. Do the work to get you back. You worry about what matters.. That is you and your children and their household. He wants to participate, then set out the ground rules to that.

You've come to the right place. Remember that through all this, it's a head fake. He's told himself this is all okay. He may even believe that. But, it doesn't matter unless you let it. What matters is that you know and enforce your boundaries and get to a point where you can demonstrate you don't need him, and if he wants to be along for the ride, then he needs to buck up, stop acting like a smart ass teenager, and be a man.

If there's anything.... Just holler.
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Crissie
Kalmarjan Thank you so much for your response! I've read your reply over and over throughout my day today and as much as I don't want you to be, you're right! I just wish it wasn't so hard to let go [frown]
You really hit home with your words and I'm so relieved to know, that it's ok for me not to "get the eff over it".
He says that when I attempt to discuss his infidelities I'm only doing it to make him feel like a piece of poo and to rub it in his face how much he screwed up, I'm not the unhealthy one for wanting to discuss this am I?
Im not trying to hurt him at all [frown] I just want to ease my hurt and confusion by shredding the overflow of questions that I have piled up in my brain compartments! It bothers me that he can put me through this immense heartache but it's too hard for him to answer a few questions or God forbid tell the truth for once! Why even confess to me if he wasn't willing to tell me what I need/want to know!
This crap after I have given everything up for him ~too much for him~ and supported him through some really rough times. 3 times I've stopped him mid-suicide attempt, the last one so extremely close it plays on my mind everyday, I found his Dad who he hadn't had contact with since he was 11, I got him away from crime and helped him change into a kind generous loveable man one that all his peers look up to, I worked 18-20 hrs a day, 6 days a week for years to support him through his apprenticeship, I moved to a tiny lil country town away from all my family, my friends, my job, just for him! He's a boilermaker and specialises in earthmoving, he works FIFO cuz we moved to a lil coastal farming town so there's no work here, he's away for 2 wks,home for 1. We moved from a mining town, one of the biggest in Australia. Would you class that as irony?? I could go on and on but my point is I've stood by his side since I was 16 years old, now for the first time in our relationship I'm the weak one, I'm the one that needs a bit of support but instead I get insults, gee whizz even just some acceptance and acknowledgement regarding my feelings would be fantastic!
I have no support at all here in this little cliquey town, yes I am a stay at home mum at the mo only because I have no help with my kids and they aren't old enough to be left for periods of time unsupervised.
It's not even his fault i don't blame him, it was my choice to give up so much I'm the silly one to blame for that! The thing I miss the most is.. Me, my inner voice, my 2 feet, my own mind, my sparkle! I turned into his shadow he's always the centre of attention, he's a big muscly man and very loud and boisterous. I'm very small and I have a stutter that I can't control when nervous, so often by the time I get a word out ppl have stopped listening to me, even without my stutter ppl often just stop listening to me mid-sentence by starting a convo with someone else or they just totally ignore me. I'm quite invisible and easily forgotten.
I never used to be like that! I feel like I dimmed my light to allow his to shine.
All I ever wanted was for him to feel my true love for him and for him to love me the same [frown]
Kalmarjan~if you've read this far! I'm going to ask you a question from a WS point of view, don't feel obliged to answer if you feel it's too personal I'll totally understand but... Did you or are you reconciling with your spouse? And if so did you really, truly, honestly love your spouse when you had your affair? Or do you think that you never were really in-love at all because another person was able to seduce you away from your marriage?
I don't understand how someone can say they love you but then so easily be intimate with a different person! The thought of a different man's hands touching me etc, makes my skin crawl. A man would have to be extremely, amazingly, superbly, fantastically awesome to make me even think of betraying my partner!
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Tim2014
Crissie in response to your questions to kal just remember this also that ap they don't really know each other truly their putting their best foot forward they are hiding their flaws and imperfections! You see you're married so you have shared the good bad and ugly they haven't its like comparing apples to oranges when in reality you are the real deal they want fantasy vs reality ironic then they realize reality is better but instead of manning or womaning up they hide their head in shame self loathing and don't want to face you the one they hurt so much so don't doibt your self worth it is your wS that is losing out on someone amazing to follow and sacrifice so much for them I know it's tough hold your head up and remember you are worth everything you want and need sorry things are so bad for you
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Kalmarjan
Quote:
Did you or are you reconciling with your spouse? And if so did you really, truly, honestly love your spouse when you had your affair? Or do you think that you never were really in-love at all because another person was able to seduce you away from your marriage? I don't understand how someone can say they love you but then so easily be intimate with a different person! The thought of a different man's hands touching me etc, makes my skin crawl. A man would have to be extremely, amazingly, superbly, fantastically awesome to make me even think of betraying my partner!
I am indeed reconciling with my wife. It has been a long process, with a lot of self discovery. As for your questions... I always loved my wife. I fell into the whole "IILWYBINILWY" trap. I convinced myself, through rewriting history, that although I loved my wife, I wasn't happy, and I deserved to be happy. There's a lot of reasons why it came down to that, but it was 100% in my head, and a complete pack of lies that I told myself in order to make things all right to myself. (Because I am not a guy that would cheat, see... Irony at its best.) This is what's known as "the fog". I had put the AP on a pedestal so it was inevitable that I would cheat. Honestly, I came across a photo the other day while cleaning out old files on my computer. I looked at it, and thought... WTF was I thinking? She is and was nothing special. In fact, my wife looks better. But the truth is, I was a selfish prick. It was all about me, me, me, me and my happiness. If I could take it all back, I would. I can't. I've forgiven myself and I am on the road to forgiveness... I stupidly hurt my best friend, my soul mate, and the woman of my dreams. All because I was too immature to speak up about what I wanted. I hope that answers some of your questions. Search my posts through my user name and you can see more detail...
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Crissie
Thankyou Kalmarjan!
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