Ajay
Hi, my first post so hopefully this will be in the right place.

5 months since d day of my husbands full on two month (then) affair. He owned up to it after I challenged how strange he had been behaving towards me for the previous two months. He refused to end it, says it is what he wants and is besotted to the point of him not really caring whether I stay or leave our marriage. what has happened has totally blindsided me, there were no conversations about him being unhappy in the lead up to what happened but now he says that he was unhappy for quite a while and wouldn't have had the affair if he had been happy. 

Everything about this this has seemed completely out of character, it isn't something that has happened before, we have been married for 27 years and have had fun together as well as supporting and encouraging each other with few arguments.

We have talked a lot since d day but not necessarily got to the bottom of what the reasons are for either his unhappiness or his unwillingness to try to make something of our marriage. So since the beginning of October my husband has been living somewhere else since I didn't wish to deal with him skipping off to his affair partner several times a month while living with him. I haven't begged or pleaded for him to stay and am very aware that the decisions need to come from him and that I need to make my own life and try to recover alone from what has happened.

My reason for posting is to see if anyone has any advice related to how to try and deal with the separation and the lack of contact. It seems that at a time when I really need him to be open and honest he has used the separation to go back to being secretive about the extent of the affair and how he feels about our relationship. We meet up occasionally and I try to keep things neutral. but pleasant. He seems permanently manic and excited about the situation and to be honest, I'm not sure I recognise this person that I have been with for the last 27 years. 

Cheers Ajay
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Anna26
Ajay wrote:
Hi, my first post so hopefully this will be in the right place.

5 months since d day of my husbands full on two month (then) affair. He owned up to it after I challenged how strange he had been behaving towards me for the previous two months. He refused to end it, says it is what he wants and is besotted to the point of him not really caring whether I stay or leave our marriage. what has happened has totally blindsided me, there were no conversations about him being unhappy in the lead up to what happened but now he says that he was unhappy for quite a while and wouldn't have had the affair if he had been happy. 

Everything about this this has seemed completely out of character, it isn't something that has happened before, we have been married for 27 years and have had fun together as well as supporting and encouraging each other with few arguments.

We have talked a lot since d day but not necessarily got to the bottom of what the reasons are for either his unhappiness or his unwillingness to try to make something of our marriage. So since the beginning of October my husband has been living somewhere else since I didn't wish to deal with him skipping off to his affair partner several times a month while living with him. I haven't begged or pleaded for him to stay and am very aware that the decisions need to come from him and that I need to make my own life and try to recover alone from what has happened.

My reason for posting is to see if anyone has any advice related to how to try and deal with the separation and the lack of contact. It seems that at a time when I really need him to be open and honest he has used the separation to go back to being secretive about the extent of the affair and how he feels about our relationship. We meet up occasionally and I try to keep things neutral. but pleasant. He seems permanently manic and excited about the situation and to be honest, I'm not sure I recognise this person that I have been with for the last 27 years. 

Cheers Ajay



Hi Ajay,  oh how I empathise with you right now because this is more or less my situation too.  In October 14 I discovered my husband was having an affair.  Mar 15, and it was still going on so I asked him to move out.  I agree, it's the worst feeling in the world to know that they are still 'skipping off' to them all the time.  I couldn't believe that he was so sucked into the affair that he was too blind to see what was happening and where his real priorities should have been.  So like you, I made a stand, and I'm still standing (thanks Elton John!). 

It's been hard technically being on my own but our adult kids still live with me, and in a funny way it gives you so much more peace of mind when you don't know what the H is 'up to'.  But also like you, the communication channels are open between us and I do all I can to ensure that he knows that.  Like you say, you can't push them into choosing the right path, you can only light the path! 

When he moved out he was supposed to be using the time to clear his head, since he was so loved up with her that he couldn't decide what to do.  Turns out he didn't do that either.  He was absolutely convinced that she was the one, and nothing else mattered.  Now I think he is beginning to see the light, because, she didn't want to leave her husband or her big house and foreign holidays in the sun (all the things she would have had to forgo for 'love'), and could never make up her mind what to do either.  Apparently (liberal pinch of salt taken) they don't see each other now, though they text occasionally. 

Things may come to a head fairly soon because the place my husband is staying is being sold, so he may have to move back home.  But I've already told him it will be without her in tow, and that means he ditches the phone number too. And that also means that he needs to be able to deal with what broke inside him and work to fix it, to show remorse and mean it and to be committed to a future together.

I'm feeling really quite strong about this, though there are times I think about how it used to be and feel sad for the man that I kind of lost.  Things will not be the same if he moves back, and I must admit that time has probably changed me too.  He is not someone who finds talking easy and prefers to stuff all his faults and failings down inside, calling it dealing with it himself. 

So I think you need to stay strong and principled but as you are, open to communication.  Focus on you, working on making yourself the best person you could possibly want to be.  It really helps to strengthen you for what lies ahead, whether that is with or without him.  Show him that your life doesn't revolve around him, and neither should it, or at least around any person that can stand on their own two feet. 
There are risks that separation opens up bigger gaps between people, but I don't think it's an impossibility that people can't then take time to get back together again. I know there are times that I feel I would be better off on my own, I've kind of got used to my own space. But if I don't try to make it work first I could end up regretting that.  

It will be tough, and take a long time for him to regain your trust, (my H still doesn't have mine because he hasn't even tried yet) should he want to, and that's what it boils down to in the end - time! But you've got this Ajay.  and for what it's worth, I would do the same thing again.  We are worth so much more than being the virtual doormat, so put your self value at the top of the list.  Feel free to private message me if it helps..
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anthropoidape
Sorry to hear all this Ajay.

You are doing it right regardless of how it pans out and, really, regardless of whether you hope to reconcile. Quite simply the only thing you can do if he is not breaking off the affair is separating and focusing on your own wellbeing. 

There's some chance he will come crawling back one day, and if he does it will be entirely up to you whether to be receptive to that at all. Alternatively he may never come back. Either way you gain nothing by pursuing him.

In the meantime we are all adults so we try to be civil when there's some need for the two of you to be in contact.

I will only say that if he does come back cap in hand, be aware that there's a "be careful what you wish for" element to reconciliation. It is honestly hard to say whether it's better to have back a relationship that is horribly damaged, or to simply be free to spend time with any of the seven and a half billion people on earth who haven't lied to you and betrayed you. 

For what it is worth, this idea that they were terribly unhappy and it was all your fault is something that people who are having affairs often create retrospectively. I mean no doubt we have all had our ups and downs but what they sometimes do, to justify their behaviour, is revise the past to make it all worse than it actually was. There will be all these things that make sense as reasons in their little bubble, that don't really stand up to scrutiny. For example, my wife has often made a big deal about how I rode roughshod over her preferences to choose the house we lived in for 10 years and had our children in. That it was nothing like what she wanted. This was one of the largest factors in explaining why she was so unhappy that she had an affair. There may be some grain of truth in this as there was some market pressure and I moved the purchase along, but we both celebrated the night our offer was accepted etc. And lived there since 2006. And now we have moved, as a part of dealing with the affair aftermath, and she keeps saying how bittersweet it is to leave the house and how much she misses it. It is actually quite painful to hear, especially since I did so much work on it with my own hands, virtually rebuilding every single room (and it's a big house) and making a really productive garden. 

That is a bit specific to me - sorry - but you get the point. Some little grain of truth about a grievance can get polished and zoomed in on until it looks like a giant boulder that justified the affair behaviour, the deception, the using you, the whole lot. They have to rationalise it somehow, because let's face it everyone knows off the bat that having an affair and deceiving those who trust you most is obviously wrong. 

I honestly think the best thing to do in your circumstances is assume he is not coming back and conduct yourself accordingly. If he does come back that's a surprise to deal with (and whether it is really a gladdening surprise or not is going to be very hard to say). If he does not come back you've already been cracking on with making a fresh start for a while when you become sure about it. 

I admire you for kicking him out when he wouldn't quit the affair, anyway. It's the right call and nobody should put up with that kind of sh!t.

Good luck. Others here (like Anna26) will be able to give you much better advice than I can. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Ajay



Hi Ajay,  oh how I empathise with you right now because this is more or less my situation too.  In October 14 I discovered my husband was having an affair.  Mar 15, and it was still going on so I asked him to move out.  I agree, it's the worst feeling in the world to know that they are still 'skipping off' to them all the time.  I couldn't believe that he was so sucked into the affair that he was too blind to see what was happening and where his real priorities should have been.  So like you, I made a stand, and I'm still standing (thanks Elton John!). 

Thanks Anna and sorry that you have been / are going all through this too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's easier to be strong some days than others and your perspective certainly helps and is encouraging. So many friends and family seem to get the impression that I'm just hanging around when in fact I think what has been a decent relationship deserves some thoughtful perspective that hopefully comes with time before calling in the estate agents! Thanks, still standing too.
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Ajay
Thanks Anna and sorry that you have been / are going all through this too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's easier to be strong some days than others and your perspective certainly helps and is encouraging. So many friends and family seem to get the impression that I'm just hanging around when in fact I think what has been a decent relationship deserves some thoughtful perspective that hopefully comes with time before calling in the estate agents! Thanks, still standing too
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Ajay
Thanks anthropoidape, yep, can see how even reconciliation can give anyone cold feet.  Sonetimes I do get up in the morning and think about whether I even want to have this person back in my life although that is partly due to the way they are now rather than how they used to be and I get glimpses of who they are occasionally. Thanks for your perspective, totally get the house thing, we will have to sell ours if this continues and while not as difficult as all the other changes and challenges that are in our lives it grieves me since like our relationship, we made it a home and created it together. It's just stuff I suppose ! 
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SadAndLonely
Ajay, it's tough.  My WS and I have been separated for 4 months and I still struggle some days.  It is easiest for me to keep the contact minimal.  It's very hard to do since he has been my person to talk to for the past 13 years but it really is the best way for me to heal.  Try to keep yourself busy.  Get involved in some new hobbies or some old ones that you have neglected.  Spend time with friends and family that really support you.  

And if your family and friends think that you are just hanging around waiting for your spouse, remind them that whatever you decide to do is YOUR choice.  This is your life.  Do whatever you think will work best for YOU.  If the two of you can make amends and put the hard work in to fix your marriage, that is your choice.  If you decide you can never forgive your spouse and that you need to move on, that is your choice.  Only you can decide what is best for you.  Don't let anyone try to push you in a certain direction.  

Good luck!
BS: Married 8-1/2 yrs, together 13
Separated 6/11/17
D-Day 3/10/17
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Ajay
Thanks sadandlonely, that's good advice, I've taken up a few new hobbies and keep busy. I think sometimes I need to pause and spend some time without filling up all of my time, just to get used to being alone. Pets are good too 😁

Family and friends have been brilliant but I know they are concerned that I remain still and don't push for something to happen (at the moment) - my philosophy has been if I am in an ok place and don't need to act then it is better to let time do its work. 

Thank you 
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Anna26
Ajay wrote:
Thanks sadandlonely, that's good advice, I've taken up a few new hobbies and keep busy. I think sometimes I need to pause and spend some time without filling up all of my time, just to get used to being alone. Pets are good too 😁

Family and friends have been brilliant but I know they are concerned that I remain still and don't push for something to happen (at the moment) - my philosophy has been if I am in an ok place and don't need to act then it is better to let time do its work. 

Thank you 


Do you know Ajay, I am in so much agreement with you here. I feel that nothing the BS can say or do will be of any benefit, especially when the WS has the rose coloured specs on!  I think sometimes that my own family think this situation has been going on far too long and it's time somebody did something.  I just know that you cannot persuade or cajole someone into doing the 'right thing'. It's inviting failure in the end because they have to do it for the right reasons - because they want to.  And all this time I've been thinking, I've still got the roof over my head and am currently financially sound, so why would I want to rock the boat?  We are both okay -ish, right now, and if the time comes when we have to split everything and move on, then we will.  I think we would both be making life a whole lot more difficult for ourselves and maybe un-necessarily. 

I'm so sorry that you are in this world of limbo too, but as we both are, well, not a lot we can do about it except set the boundaries and let them figure it out for themselves.  Perhaps the passage of time has made me a little more 'ce la vie' about it all. I don't know.  I do know that people who have not gone through this experience don't really have much conception of how difficult it is to push ahead with it.  Patience will win out in the end! [smile]
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Jennifer
Ajay,

Everyone before has said is so well and it sounds like you are taking a realistic and healthy approach to a painful situation. Do all those things that are healthy and good for you, continue to live your life in the meantime, and if or when your WW decided to open up the channels of communication then you can decide at that time what is best for you. I know easier said than done!
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