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Keepabuzz
JORGE wrote:


The generation of cheap unattached sex may be present, but I don't think the emotional makeup of a man has changed, hence what stood 50 or 100 years ago, probably still stands. The way I see it, regardless of the social dynamics which has fostered a more casual definition on the meaning of sexual relations, as a man as far as I'm concerned what's mine is mine. There shall be no other.

Once that declaration, mutually agreed upon by me and whoever is or was my mate, everything sexual and emotional, starts and stops with me. Period. End of story. There is no compromise, negotiation or further discussion to be had. I give a lot of flexibility and new thought on many subjects in my life. Faithfulness isn't one of them. Your either on board or not on board. You're either mine or you are his. Can't be both, or even THINKING about being both at ANY point in time. EVER! It's very, very black and white for me, as it is for every man in my social circle, as far as I know.


That is certainly how I am as well....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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JORGE
I don't hold strong opinions for married couples with kids because I didn't have to make decisions under those circumstances. It's easy to call plays from the sidelines if you don't have to run or pass the football and get hammered, so to speak, so I'm careful with my words with married bs.  I still think I would leave my wife as I was very open to doing so a couple of times, over something much smaller than infidelity. I have a nearly unhealthy insistence on unwavering loyalty.

I'm not necessarily proud of it or anything. It's just how I am. Nonetheless, the complexities of a seasoned married couple are immense, leaving the option of divorce an improbability in many cases. Admittedly, I get a irritated at times if I think a bs is simply fearful of the uncertainty of a new life, and will painfully tolerate a ws simply because of fear. Again, however I never voice this to members, as bs are already at the lowest possible emotional level of there lives, and I sure as hell don't want to add to the stress and devastation they're experiencing.
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ssix6pack
Makes sense. I don’t consider myself stuck or scared. Just trying to make the best choice. All choices have consequences, staying or leaving, BS don’t get off easy. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
JORGE wrote:
I have a nearly unhealthy insistence on unwavering loyalty.


I have this same affliction..... On the flip side, I am as loyal as they come as well. So I don’t expect more than I give. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Sorry
Who have you told about your affair (friends, family, children)?

Way too many people at work, one of my close friends, a few of my kinds parents. No family except for a cousin.

Did you have a choice in who knew about it?

I told lots of people rather foolishly when I was in a desperate and I guess exceptionally selfish phase of affair fog and recovery.

If you made a choice to tell, how did you decide who to tell and what to tell them?

I truely regret that so many of my work colleagues know, it was a work affair and both myself and the AP continued to work at the same place. But I now just assume everyone knows which does put me in a very exposed place. I did not use an specific criteria I think that I was looking for support so others would see my AP as the bad guy, and would take my side. It was an exceptionally immature move, but I guess that affair are not particularly indicative of maturity.

What was their response?

Many were sympathetic and supportive, I did lose two close friends though who just refused to forgive me for what I did and that was exceptionally difficult and painful. especially since my husband was able to see past my actions.

Would you do anything differently? 

I AM very glad that we never told family. I wish wish hindsight that I had kept the affair quieter. I have now learned that it is better to not mention it and hopefully over time the would will forget and stop judging me. I AM concerned that one day my children will find out, or our family will find out because so many people know.
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asdfg
NB unfaithful wife, 3 month non-physical affair, 2 months past D-day

Who have you told about your affair (friends, family, children)?
My husband and I have, from the beginning, cleared who we are telling with each other first. I have told: my parents, 1 close friend (who knew a bit during the affair anyway), 1 friend who lives far away and so won't accidentally blab in front of my kids...
He has told: his mother, his best friend, 1 close mutual friend who he felt he could confide in, 3 mutual friends who live far away.
Our main concern is to stop information from accidentally leaking back to our young kids (age 5,7).
I have a weird desire to blab my story to everyone and anyone, so I frequent these websites to scratch that itch 🙂 And visit counsellors.

Did you have a choice in who knew about it?
Yes, as above.

If you made a choice to tell, how did you decide who to tell and what to tell them?
As above. I told tearfully, over the phone or in person.

What was their response? Would you do anything differently?
Everyone has been sympathetic to both of us, and supportive of the marriage. A lot of my friends said "that doesn't sound so bad..." which unfortunately bolstered my impression that my husband was over-reacting; this has to do in part with how I told the story and in part to do with peoples' misunderstandings of the trauma caused by infidelity.  I didn't get it at first either. Even some of our counsellors said "Sounds like she just got carried away." This was not helpful. The most helpful input (for me) has been people saying: "make sure you take care of yourself during this hard time; no one is thinking straight if you're not eating or exercising"; and "he must be so hurt to be so angry; that proves how much he loves you"; and "don't fight him; you can't make him see things your way or change his mind. That's up to him. Give him space." 
I wish SO MUCH that I had found websites like this one before disclosure; it would have made a big difference.




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