Trying2020

My wife and I are both compelled to disclose the fact of the affair to the AP’s wife. For us, it’s a matter of conscience to not leave this woman in the dark... and we both feel a responsibility to act on her behalf, since her husband has not. 

We have pondered, prayed, and discussed at length. Our plan is for me to reach out with a simple Facebook message stating that I have information about her marriage I’d like to share with her if she is interested, along with my phone number. If she calls, I will inform her of the infidelity and encourage her to speak with her husband. If she would like to get into details, I plan to furnish certain generalities. 

Does anyone here have a strong opinion one way or the other, as to a) the decision to contact the wife and b) recommendations for how to do so?

Thanks!

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Sadie
I absolutely agree that the spouse needs to know.  There is no way to make an informed decision concerning your life if you don’t have all the facts.    
   And even more proof that the AP is such a stand up guy.  Blech!
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Cam28
I agree that she should at least have the opportunity to know the truth.  I like that you would keep the message general and let her choose if she want to know more.  My husband felt like the less I knew the less hurt I would be.  I still struggle knowing that there is so much I don't know.  His AP's husband forwarded me one of their sexts.  I don't recommend that.  Now I can never unread it.  Be gentle.
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Crushed
I agree I found several of their sexts and it is not something I will ever get over
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BlindCheetah
I wish someone had told me.
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ThrivenotSurvive

I agree.  And if the discovery is fairly recent than the timing and how you are choosing g to handle it seems discreet.  What I don’t ever recommend is waiting until a year or two later and then dragging the mess out.  That just seems like creating a fresh hell for everyone.  

But pulling the trigger early and with gentleness is kind from my perspective.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Bgreen

I agree she should know. My WS’s AP’s husband reached out to me 18 months after the affair had ended (and his discovery) which was 5 months after my husband’s disclosure. I wish he had told me sooner, I feel I deserved to know. 

One thing I would add is that all communications with this woman should come from you and not your wife. After AP’s husband reached out to me he allowed his wife (the AP) to start messaging me and she used to opportunity to tell me how worthless I am and how the affair was all my husbands fault and that she was just an innocent in the middle. This really re-traumatized me at a time I had just started to pull my life together. There is absolutely no reason for an AP to communication with a BS as far as I am concerned. 

Female, BS 2 years post DDay
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Pringle15
I told the APs husband, I sent a Facebook message saying I'd just found out about the affair and I suggest he asks his wife about certain dates. To be honest I didn't do it out of kindness to him but hatred of her. I got a simple message back thanking me for the information and askinge not to contact him again. 

I would want to know, but for me telling her had more to do with not letting her get away with it. 
Wife, mother and kick ass officer 
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Trying2020
Thank you all for your thoughtful and timely input. I really appreciate your support. 
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Reese
I'm a fan of sharing. I told my WH's family and his AP's parents via email and included screenshots of my conversations with his AP telling me how she was going to continue seeing him etc. I laid it all out, everything I knew. I would have contacted her SO had she had one. 
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Damaged
You should notify the AP spouse. Just know that many times if the notification is by FB , the AP has intercepted without the spouse knowing. They will say something like above poster “ Don’t contact me again”. They never actually get the message. 
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JKoloseik
I don't believe you should tell the AP's spouse. Especially through fb. It won't work. They will think it's a lie or trouble making. Especially if you're a stranger. Someone did that to me. I was told on fb. FB is a place where people love to start trouble. It's the easiest place to do it. I didn't believe it at all. My WH lied about it, said it was someone starting trouble. I believed him. After all, he was my husband. Why wouldn't I believe him? Doing it that way enables the ap to lie more. Then when the information comes alive, it's that much worse. I'd try to figure out your motives. After all, right now you need to focus on your marriage, each other. The most effective way would be to involve a third party or even better, face to face with compassion and humility. FB or emails or letters is the worst possible and damaging way to do it. If your motive is compassion, then do it in a caring way. 
But again, you guys should be focusing on you.
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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ThrivenotSurvive
I respectfully disagree.  I think this is one of those that falls under the saying "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."   All you can do is offer the information.  If she has had suspicions before (or those niggling doubts we all had but pushed away), it could be thing that finally makes her say "Aha!".  Or not.  

But you will know that you did not willfully choose to hide information that could have benefited someone else to know.  If she chooses to ignore it, believe him or has made her own peace with him going outside of their marriage for her own reasons (financial or otherwise) - than that will be her choice.  But you don't become yet another person choosing to keep information from her that rightly BELONGS to her.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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anthro
This is a subject that has come up many times and I personally don't think there's any right answer. I elected not to tell my wife's AP's wife. I thought that by doing this I was giving their family the best chance of survival. I believed in those few first months after d-day that the AP's best course was to focus on his family, rebuild his marriage, and never say anything. 

Then, someone told her via an anonymous message in Linkedin. He thought it was me that told her, so he didn't attempt to lie, he just told her everything.

In retrospect, I am 100% certain that it was better for all eight of us (four parents, four kids) that way. However, if he had really focused right away after d-day, then keeping it a secret forever might have kept his family in one piece. Where we are now is that my family is still intact, and his broke into pieces pretty traumatically for everyone. Lots of financial and psychological damage and I suspect more issues when his kids are older and understand what he did more.

So my only comments as you consider whether to tell an unsuspecting spouse or not are:

1. If it's an ongoing affair, you *possibly* should tell them so they can protect themselves.
2. If it is an affair that ended and is in the past, it's still a maybe but there's less in favour of it.
3. You must, must, must really interrogate your motives. If you can look hard at why you want to tell, and it's genuinely to help someone else, then that's not so bad. If it is because you don't want the AP to "get away with it", or you want revenge, or you can see that really you would just be lashing out, then I think you should hold back. It is not that you don't have a right to revenge, it just makes it that much less likely that any good will come of it, or that you will feel okay about it afterwards.

As for me, if someone had told me while it was still going onI would have taken action very swiftly and there is zero chance my wife and I would be together now. I don't know if that's better or worse. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Keepabuzz
I’m of the opinion if you don’t tell the other BS, then you are then a part of the deception and coverup.  I would have wanted to know. I wish someone had told me. Like Anthro, if I had been told while my wife was still betraying me, there would have been a swift divorce for sure. If my wife’s AP had been married, she would have been my first stop after I left my home on d-day. I would not have showed her any anger, she certainly didn’t do anything wrong, I would have been as compassionate as possible, but she would have the truth. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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