Blessedby7
I want to contact OW's husband and make sure he knows. According to her father, who contacted me after everything came out, he does know, and they are doing well. By her own admission to my husband it's her second affair. I know this is a bad idea. It's been over a year. There could be repercussions of him trying to contact my husband and start stuff, and that might be hard to deal with when we are working on things and not doing too bad. There are his kids, 4 young kids, do I want the responsibility of tearing up that family if he really doesn't know? Especially after so long? But doesn't he have a right to know if he doesn't already?  I know I hate that other people knew and didn't tell me. 

I'm also thinking about contacting her. Not in a "your an awful person and I hate you" sort of way, because truly, I don't hate her. What I really want is to give her a perspective of what I've gone through and am still going through. Try to help her see what she is doing to her husband, her kids. I am seriously not wanting to be nasty, just open and honest to how awful this thing is. Yeah, I know, it's stupid. As if someone who has done this twice now has any real care for what her husband feels. But maybe for her kids sake?

I don't know. I just realre need you guys to talk some sense into me because the ideas are starting to consume me. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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Experiencethedevine29

Blessedby7 wrote:
I want to contact OW's husband and make sure he knows. According to her father, who contacted me after everything came out, he does know, and they are doing well. By her own admission to my husband it's her second affair. I know this is a bad idea. It's been over a year. There could be repercussions of him trying to contact my husband and start stuff, and that might be hard to deal with when we are working on things and not doing too bad. There are his kids, 4 young kids, do I want the responsibility of tearing up that family if he really doesn't know? Especially after so long? But doesn't he have a right to know if he doesn't already?  I know I hate that other people knew and didn't tell me. 

I'm also thinking about contacting her. Not in a "your an awful person and I hate you" sort of way, because truly, I don't hate her. What I really want is to give her a perspective of what I've gone through and am still going through. Try to help her see what she is doing to her husband, her kids. I am seriously not wanting to be nasty, just open and honest to how awful this thing is. Yeah, I know, it's stupid. As if someone who has done this twice now has any real care for what her husband feels. But maybe for her kids sake?

I don't know. I just realre need you guys to talk some sense into me because the ideas are starting to consume me. 



Its a year on B, why now? Is your recovery not going the way you’d like? I’m just wondering what it is your stuck in that makes you want to do this after such a gap in your healing. Is it that you might still be cross because others knew and didn’t tell you?

If her Father told you her husband knows, surely he’d have no reason to lie to you, and if the shagbag’s husband chooses to rug sweep her affairs, that’s his problem, not yours.  You have enough on your plate dealing with your own knowledge that the man you believed would always have your back is actually a liar and a cheat don’t you think?

As for contacting her, what possible good could come out of that?  She didn’t give a f*ck about you while she was shagging your husband, so what makes you think she’s developed a conscience now? Believe me. She hasn’t, and all contacting either of them will do is stir up a hornets nest and make YOU feel worse because she really doesn’t give a toss about how it affected you, and her husband is evidently willing to put up with her bollocks so let them fester in their own sewage.


Cheaters only care about themselves.  Let those two eejits go, and concentrate on what’s happening with your own. He’s the one who invited this s*it into your life.  I know she’s equally responsible but it’s not her your trying to build a new marriage with is it?  


hopefully, this is a passing phase for you, and once you manage to put it where it belongs, with THEM, you’ll be able to get your wellies out of the mud and move forward. Neither of them are worth risking more drama for.


ETD🌻


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Pringle15
I completely understand where your coming from. I did contact the husband of the OW and exposed the affair, but didn't give details. I have no idea what happened after that, but I get annoyed at the thought that she lied to him and he doesn't know everything. I suppose I feel it's unfair that she gets to carry on with her life, while my familys been through hell.

I know you feel it would give you some kind of closure to see her acknowledge the hurt she's caused, but are you really prepared for the possibility that she doesn't care? And that her husband may believe any lies she's told and write you off as crazy?

Karmas a bi%@h and lies have a habit of slowing poisoning relationships, she's made her bed you need to leave her to lie in it Xx 
Wife, mother and kick ass officer 
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Blessedby7
I'm really not sure why I feel the need to.contact either of them. I think her husband in case her father was lying and he really doesn't know. I keep thinking of him there thinking things are fine, but the reason she broke it off with H is because she said hers was starting to suspect, so he probably does know. 

For her, again, I'm not sure. I actually did message her while I was confronting H, and she apologized, said she had stayed away (it had only been a few days) and would continue to do so. I guess in my twisted thinking if I made her understand just how badly she was hurting other people and her husband, she'd stop and not do this to yet someone else? Yeah, I know, it's stupid to hope she would actually care.  Maybe I just need to write it, get it out of my head, then throw it away. I should be journaling more anyway.

I knew what you guys were going to say, I guess I just needed to hear it. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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Crushed
I contacted the ow and  all she did was lie and tell me they were just gaming friends and that she was just being dramatic in all that she emailed.  Which come to find out my WS and her and contrived to tell this story.  After 4 months of hell I also decided that if I had to live through the hell then she could also.  I wrote long letter to her husband and told him all that I knew and exactly where to look and all her email addresses.  I mailed it to him at his work and marked it confidential.  I dont know what happened after that.  For all I know he could have known all along.  But it was the best Christmas present that i ever gave to myself.  And no I feel absolutely no guilt or remorse for doing it.
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Experiencethedevine29
Blessedby7 wrote:
I'm really not sure why I feel the need to.contact either of them. I think her husband in case her father was lying and he really doesn't know. I keep thinking of him there thinking things are fine, but the reason she broke it off with H is because she said hers was starting to suspect, so he probably does know. 

For her, again, I'm not sure. I actually did message her while I was confronting H, and she apologized, said she had stayed away (it had only been a few days) and would continue to do so. I guess in my twisted thinking if I made her understand just how badly she was hurting other people and her husband, she'd stop and not do this to yet someone else? Yeah, I know, it's stupid to hope she would actually care.  Maybe I just need to write it, get it out of my head, then throw it away. I should be journaling more anyway.

I knew what you guys were going to say, I guess I just needed to hear it. 


B, getting it all out here is often a very helpful, if not enlightening way to try to navigate your way through the mire. There’s a good deal of wisdom that comes from experience. We’re all on the same journey one way or another.  We’re at ease with being your journal! 👍

I would venture you’ve arrived at your own conclusions here, and as you say, maybe just needed to ‘spill the beans’ and protect your sanity before it goes overboard. That’s far from twisted thinking, nor is it stupid, and you’ve already mentioned that you knew what others would say, you just needed to be talked out of throwing that stick of dynamite .🧨

Chin up girl, tomorrow’s a new day.


ETD 🌻
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Blessedby7
I actually want nothing from her. I don't expect her to respond, and really would prefer she didn't, if I did write to her. I have no questions to ask her, and could care less for her version. I guess I just want her to know what we go through, the hell this puts us through, as well as her own husband and kids. It may not make a difference, probably wouldn't, but is it worth trying? 

This sounds f'ed up to be saying, but from what little I do know of her, other than the affairs she actually seems like a nice person, someone I could have been friends with, had I known her without all of this. Is it worth trying to educate that? I mean, my husband is a good person even though he's obviously been extremely selfish over many years. He is trying to change now that he knows how broken I am and how selfish he's been (we still have a LONG way to go). Could it not be the same for her?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Stupid thinking. Maybe I really am still an undying optimist wanting people to be good. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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Pringle15
There's a book I've been meaning to read called 'we're just friends'. I read an exert that talked about the differant types of women that have afairs.

The Married Other Woman:

While this may be stereotypical, the “married woman” has often become disillusioned with her mate and connects with someone she believes can supply the happiness her mate has failed to deliver. These women have typically watched their marriage fade away for years and feel completely detached from their husbands as a result of years of neglect. Again, this does not justify their actions, but you can see how no longer valuing their own marriage would make it easy to push their guilt away enough to begin an affair.

 

I still have to remind myself that it is she who is the unhealthy one who would accept crumbs from a married man. 

The OW in my case had just come back off maternity leave and rather then spending her spare energy on her baby was pursuing a fantasy relationship with my husband. It made me realize how sad and broken she is. People like that damage themselves as well as those around them. 

 

Wife, mother and kick ass officer 
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Skelling
Blessedby7 wrote:
I actually want nothing from her. I don't expect her to respond, and really would prefer she didn't, if I did write to her. I have no questions to ask her, and could care less for her version. I guess I just want her to know what we go through, the hell this puts us through, as well as her own husband and kids. It may not make a difference, probably wouldn't, but is it worth trying? 

This sounds f'ed up to be saying, but from what little I do know of her, other than the affairs she actually seems like a nice person, someone I could have been friends with, had I known her without all of this. Is it worth trying to educate that? I mean, my husband is a good person even though he's obviously been extremely selfish over many years. He is trying to change now that he knows how broken I am and how selfish he's been (we still have a LONG way to go). Could it not be the same for her?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Stupid thinking. Maybe I really am still an undying optimist wanting people to be good. 


Oh Blessed this resonated a lot with me. I think in my case its very similar that had I met this woman under different circumstances, I might have liked her and perhaps she would have liked me perhaps even be friends. I struggled very much with the same. I wanted to educate her on what she was doing and on the person I really was not the one my husband presented to her. I never did get a response from her and even though I had told myself that I didn't expect anything from her, I think I did expect an apology that I knew would never come. I do not like to "hate" or resent someone. I know they say to feel indifferent but that is something I struggle with. In my case she was single though, never had a real longterm relationship and had at least one affair before my husband. So clearly she was not learning, nor was she caring about the damage she is causing. I really did/do struggle with that as I am someone, who always tries to see the good in people, even if they wronged me as long as there is sign of remorse, I am usually quick to forgive. I am not one that burns bridges and never looks back. I do however have a strong need for justice, doesn't mean revenge but justice. Being a Christian that made it all thr harder for me too. So I guess bottom line, nothing good will come from contact. This woman is not your friend and "making" her your friend won't make the affair less traumatic but I very much understand. Hugs to you 
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triplehooks
There is a desire for empathy that motivates some of us to take actions like this.  While I FULLY SUPPORT reaching out and exposure generally, it has to be done knowing/expecting the OW/OM is incapable of empathy.  They don’t magically grow empathy and they already showed they didn’t have it.  If you want a window into what’s likely going on in many of their minds go get on reddit and check our r/adultery and r/theotherwoman.  Another place to get good insight is the wayward threads on survivinginfidelity.com.  Not to say there isn’t fantastic commentary and content here, it’s just the number of participants is so small here by comparison.  

Anyway, if your goal is receiving empathy or stimulating introspection you’ll be disappointed.  If your goal is to bring natural consequences to them of having light shine on their behavior then exposure is about all you can do to accomplish that.  
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Blessedby7
Thanks guys. I KNEW the right answer was to leave things alone, but I have been tired and was feeling down.  I think I'm still going to write out what I would like to say to her, but I doubt it would ever get sent, and if I do get that urge again, I'll just talk to you guys  😉
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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Experiencethedevine29
Blessedby7 wrote:
Thanks guys. I KNEW the right answer was to leave things alone, but I have been tired and was feeling down.  I think I'm still going to write out what I would like to say to her, but I doubt it would ever get sent, and if I do get that urge again, I'll just talk to you guys  😉


Thats a very shrewd way of looking at it B, and writing it all out as if you were telling her what you wanted to face to face will help relieve some of that pent up angst.

I'm sorry it’s been getting you down.  Time for a bath, book and a bottle of wine maybe?


ETD 🌻
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Blessedby7


Thats a very shrewd way of looking at it B, and writing it all out as if you were telling her what you wanted to face to face will help relieve some of that pent up angst.

I'm sorry it’s been getting you down.  Time for a bath, book and a bottle of wine maybe?


ETD 🌻
 

Bath and book sounds great, but I'm nursing a 4 month old, so the bottle will have to wait. I just may have a glass, a bath and a long nap though, that sounds heavenly...lol. 

One thing that makes my triggers and mood swings (especially depression and hopelessness) so much harder to deal with is lack of sleep, and with a newborn/young infant I've got plenty of that. Then once a trigger gets to me, I have a hard time going to sleep, which makes matters worse. The other day I found journal entries from his emotional affair in 2002, and, well, I've been struggling. Last night he had a sleep study, which was a trigger because he's had trouble sleeping for years, but he slept like a baby during his affair. I didn't go to sleep until almost 4 this morning, then was up with the baby about 6.

Anyway, I am so thankful you guys are here to talk some of us off a ledge. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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anthro
Sometimes it's difficult to accept that there isn't really anything we can do, no action we can take, that will help. So we kind of latch onto ideas of actions we could take and don't really think through the fact that no good can possibly come of it. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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HangingOn
I wrote many letters to the APs.  Each one of then started to what point I thought I needed to make.   I never sent one and am now very happy i didn't.  It is not my job to "protect" her spouse.  My choices must focus only on healing me.  If you dig deep is there a touch of revenge to the motive being masked by doing a favor for someone else.  It doesn't work.  Write those letters, get the words out if your head but destroy them.  There is nothing for YOU to gain by sharing with them. 
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