Laxmi
Hi,
My husband has an affair now for nearly past 9-10 months now. I discovered it in end of December. I had a talk with him and during which it was revealed. The affair is emotional. text and phone calls and nothing physical.

Now in the start he had reduced chatting but it again started 3 months back. The problem is he is shamelessly chatting in front of me and every time. We have 2 childrens. I have told him n number of times its me or her. He says that he need time to decide, and that is his answer always and during this time he continues to chat with her. He do talk with me and the talks were gone much better than the initial days when every talk would lead to fights. I can see that while talking he has a slight care for me. He do take care of our childrens. But now I really do not feel like talking as it hurts to see him talking to her every now and then.

I am now going on a vacation to my country as we just had a baby 3 months back. I have told him, if he has not decided by the end of the next 2 months, he can just move out. I cannot stay with him as it is draining me emotionally and I get the anger out many a time on my elder one, which I really do not like. 

My question is in this 2 month period, should I talk to my husband or no? If he calls me or text me do I reply or no. Do I send him pictures of our children and let him talk? I really do not want him to stop communicating with the childrens. What should I do maintain no contact or some contact.

I have yet not told about this to anyone. No friends and family except my sister, but he does not know that my sister knows about it. Just do not want to ruin his image as he is and was a good person.

Thanks
Laxmi


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Laxmi
Need inputs friends...

Thanks,
Laxmi...
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Heidi
Hi Laxmi, so sorry you're going through this, especially with a young baby to take care of. It must be very hard for you.

I've never done the 180, but it was always important to me to keep the line of communication open between my husband and children. I think you should still do this for their sales (and his - he will always be their father after all.) If he's still not respecting your boundaries I would keep any interaction strictly about the children.

Hopefully those who have been through the 180 will be along soon to help.
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Anna26
Laxmi wrote:
Hi,
My husband has an affair now for nearly past 9-10 months now. I discovered it in end of December. I had a talk with him and during which it was revealed. The affair is emotional. text and phone calls and nothing physical.

Now in the start he had reduced chatting but it again started 3 months back. The problem is he is shamelessly chatting in front of me and every time. We have 2 childrens. I have told him n number of times its me or her. He says that he need time to decide, and that is his answer always and during this time he continues to chat with her. He do talk with me and the talks were gone much better than the initial days when every talk would lead to fights. I can see that while talking he has a slight care for me. He do take care of our childrens. But now I really do not feel like talking as it hurts to see him talking to her every now and then.

I am now going on a vacation to my country as we just had a baby 3 months back. I have told him, if he has not decided by the end of the next 2 months, he can just move out. I cannot stay with him as it is draining me emotionally and I get the anger out many a time on my elder one, which I really do not like. 

My question is in this 2 month period, should I talk to my husband or no? If he calls me or text me do I reply or no. Do I send him pictures of our children and let him talk? I really do not want him to stop communicating with the childrens. What should I do maintain no contact or some contact.

I have yet not told about this to anyone. No friends and family except my sister, but he does not know that my sister knows about it. Just do not want to ruin his image as he is and was a good person.

Thanks
Laxmi




Hi Laxmi, these are just a few of my thoughts..

First of all it's good that you told your sister if she is a supportive person, you need someone who will help and support you through this.  Sometimes people don't want to do this, it's a personal thing. And I would also say, based on my own experience, don't worry too much about ruining his image and standing in the eyes of other people.  He's already done that for himself, and no matter how hard you try to protect them, these things have a way of coming out on their own. 
This is what I thought too, I worried about how my H would look in the eyes of other people and I desperately wanted them to know that he wasn't the person they thought he was, if that makes sense?

You've said it yourself, he's shameless in the way he is flaunting the affair in your face by constantly talking to her in front of you. 
Unfortunately you can't prevent him talking to her, if he wants to , he will.  He might even pretend he isn't (for show) but it's simply could have gone underground anyway.  What you can do is set a boundary.  Tell him he doesn't do it in front of you, he doesn't do it in your home, or similar and stick to it. Whatever you need to feel better for now.
Even better, when you say to him it's me or her, follow through on it ( I know it's difficult as you have little ones.  It's clearly stressing you if you are taking the anger out on your child.  That's when you need support elsewhere.) By not following through and doing something about it, it's an empty threat to him.  Nothing happens, so he carries on as he is.  I think the time limit is a reasonable idea, but follow through if you have to.

Mine did this too, he continued to see her from our home in spite of knowing that I knew.  It's hurtful and unfair.  I had to ask my husband to move out.  That was the request I made, he stopped seeing her or I wanted him to move out.  After 14 months away, he still hasn't 'decided', either that or he just doesn't want to come back anyway, but I'm fine without him.
At the moment you are in this kind of a triangle, he has you and he has her, cake and eat it as we say. He's spending time 'deciding', but he never does (just like my husband).
He's ping ponging between you both and he never will choose completely all the time there is three of you in the picture, so take yourself out tof the equation somehow.

The 180 is a good idea, you can keep things just on a very basic level, communicate about the children, daily things, business as usual, but put all the emotional and relationship stuff on hold for now.  But I wouldn't chase after him, I'd let him come to you. Difficult I know, from another country.
Let him wonder what you are doing.

I think it will be good for you to get away for a while..hope this helps a little..

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