Melian
The DD for the second affair my husband had was in June. My birthday was OK because he didn’t speak to me. It was extremely traumatic to me that he cheated on me on my birthday twice in the past ten years and once the day after Christmas last year after an almost 4 year long affair. Our anniversary is coming up and though we are in counseling and trying to reconcile, our marriage is not something I want to celebrate right now. I also am dreading the holidays. Please, can someone share some coping strategies? How did you get through it? When I found out about the first affair that happened on my birthday, I just decided to make it a month long celebration for myself with my daughters but I don’t think I can do the same for our anniversary or Christmas, thoughts?
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Experiencethedevine29

Melian wrote:
The DD for the second affair my husband had was in June. My birthday was OK because he didn’t speak to me. It was extremely traumatic to me that he cheated on me on my birthday twice in the past ten years and once the day after Christmas last year after an almost 4 year long affair. Our anniversary is coming up and though we are in counseling and trying to reconcile, our marriage is not something I want to celebrate right now. I also am dreading the holidays. Please, can someone share some coping strategies? How did you get through it? When I found out about the first affair that happened on my birthday, I just decided to make it a month long celebration for myself with my daughters but I don’t think I can do the same for our anniversary or Christmas, thoughts?


second affair?? What happened after the first one Melian?  What led him to do it again?

if it’s within your power and financial ability, why don’t you consider going to stay elsewhere for Christmas this year? Perhaps you and a close friend or relative could go on a little break so you don’t to deal with the DH (dick head) at all? 

As for your anniversary, go out for the day and treat yourself to something nice instead of being anywhere near the twat. Let the arrogant f*cker stew in his own filth..

Hes done this to you TWICE??...Horrible bastard..🤬😡

I’m sure others will be along with much more diplomatic advice, but that’s my 2pence worth.


ETD 🌻

Expectation is the root of all heartache.. ’Will Shakespeare
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SoUnUsual

My D day was back in February and I still can’t fathom the idea of having some sort of celebration of our anniversary coming up in October. While the trauma has lessened, I’m still not in any way feeling like my marriage is something I want to reflect on. 

I think you need to be up front and honest about what you want/need right now. If you don’t want to celebrate, let him know that you’re not planning on it. I would recommend having some sort of plan so that you don’t end up alone, crying into a pint of ice cream (speaking from experience here). 

Try to plan something with friends, close family, etc. If your kids bring you comfort, include them. I personally found that being around my kids when I was having intense feelings was difficult at times so that’s up to you. 

As far as holidays go, I’d love to hear some suggestions from everyone. This will be my first holiday season since d day and I’m really not sure how I’m going to handle it. 

Good luck to you and sorry we’re all here. 

 

 

Female BS - Together 21 years - 2 kids -  DDay February 16, 2020
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Melian

You’re right in that it’s hard sometimes with the kids around. My daughters are pretty much grown and so it’s a bit easier. They don’t know what’s happened but they know something is not right. I may just treat my anniversary as another day and try not to think about it because it is devastating. It’s just the feeling of grief. I’m sorry anyone has to go through it. I know my husband has serious issues to work through and I’m just trying to be patient. I have doubts all the time about whether or not he can change. I also doubt my ability to forgive him. I don’t know if we will ever be ok but for now we are both trying and that’s all I can do. Thank you for your replies, they give me perspective and it helps. I will try to do something completely different for the holiday’s but I’m not sure what.

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BlindCheetah
It’s all hard. My birthday was shortly before DDay, he didn’t even acknowledge it. I bought myself a slice of cake on the way home from work and ate it alone in the car. He had lunch with my mom and reminded her it was my birthday so I know he didn’t forget. 🤬Thanksgiving, was unusual and I had lot of distractions, Christmas Eve we always spend apart so it was kind of a mental break. Valentine’s Day was awkward, our anniversary was just pure survival mode my MIL took the kids for a few days to give us some space. My birthday is next month and he’s been notified it had better be a damn good one. Don’t celebrate anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Make time for you. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Melian

BlindCheetah I feel and share in your pain and your reply brought tears to my eyes. I can relate. My husband cheated on me on what was supposed to be my 40th birthday trip. We spent the night in a crap motel while road tripping and I had a slice of Walmart cake. I had just taken him to Vegas the year before for his 40th and we had a great time but I was clueless. It’s heartbreaking to think about those memories. I just dread my anniversary and I’m hoping I can get through it without having a meltdown. Our wedding was not extravagant but I vividly remember it. I might be able to handle thanksgiving because cooking is a good distraction but may need a break from him over Christmas. I will try to focus on me. Thank you for replying and sharing your experience. I wish you and everyone else here the best. 

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despairwh
...My birthday is next month and he’s been notified it had better be a damn good one...

I guess everyone is different.  I'm a WH and I was planning to use the holidays to make it up to my wife, I'm usually the one that made arrangements for holiday celebration in our home in the past, but my wife told me "do NOT celebrate anniversary, and do NOT celebrate my birthday", as she knew I would go all out this time.  
A few days before our anniversary (a few weeks ago) she reiterated the message again "do NOT celebrate anniversary, I will break anything you buy and throw the trash".  Her birthday is coming up soon and she already reminded me twice "do NOT celebrate my birthday".  I guess the wound is still fresh, we're just 3.5 months from Dday.
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Melian

We talked about our anniversary and decided on another date in the spring to celebrate our relationship but not our marriage. It is just too painful to celebrate something that’s broken. I need to heal, AGAIN, and I don’t know if I can do it this time. The circumstances were far worse the second time but I am a forgiving person, I’m just not there and not sure I can get there again but I’m trying. He hasn’t tried much to communicate but maybe he needs more time. Anyways, I don’t want anything from him on my birthday except to be left to celebrate as I see fit, with or without him depending on what I’m doing and how I feel. It’s been that way since the first affair 10 years ago. I had a birthday last month that was fine but still painful. I just focused on myself and he didn’t say or do anything, which I was ok with or I might have been triggered. I was glad he was present but not fully engaged and that’s what I needed.

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ThrivenotSurvive
Since an anniversary is not typically a group holiday and just shared by the couple, I say do exactly what feels right to you.  I didn't want to celebrate  our first anniversary after DD - and told him so.  But by the second one, I wanted to do something small and intimate so we did.  By the third one, it felt like there was something to celebrate - and we actually enjoyed a big night out. 

However Christmas is altogether harder.    Our first Christmas after was difficult and I needed it to be/feel different -  I wasn't ready to be in a typical "family" Christmas when nothing felt right, genuine or real.  So I decided to focus on others.  I helped out family members and friends that needed painting and home repairs, cleaning and other things done around their houses.  If it got me around other people in an uplifting way that was focused on their life - and not mine, I joined in.  My daughter got involved too and learned how putting smiles on other people's faces can lift your own spirits.  

In the past I've also been involved with creating a holiday party and collecting gifts for kids in group homes, which was amazing.  Visiting seniors is awesome too.  Helping others, interspersed with self-care and special activities meant to allow you to enjoy the holidays with those you love besides your spouse (baking with you kids, volunteering alongside siblings or parents, caroling with friends, etc.) can really help you feel more in control of your own happiness.  Take back your power and create your own magic.  It won't be the same, but it can be far better than you imagine on the down days.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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hurting
Our MC suggested that I treat it as any other day. Nothing special with no expectations of anything. At all. It’s hard though...
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Melian

I love the idea of contributing for the holidays. I do volunteer and fundraise for various charities, so that’s something I can put into overdrive around Christmas. I really appreciate the responses and ideas from everyone.

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