UrbanExplorer
Has this happened to anyone else? Ex-AP's wife is divorcing him. We do not live in a no fault state. I have to testify and produce documentatation of any money I ever spent on him (hard to do when I paid cash for coffee and beer). What a nightmare that never ends.
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TimT
It's an interesting (and terrible) twist. I would be interested to hear what this means for you moving forward. Please keep us updated.
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Scarlett
Urban, do you live in a state where the AP can be sued for absence of affection? I do live in one of those states, and that's been a constant fear. The only difference is my H could turn around and sue my AP, so it's kind of a wash. I am sorry you have to go through that. I recently went through a court case with my AP, and it's incredibly embarrassing and creates horrible triggers! It actually set my husband and me way back in recovery. If you can afford it, you may want to get an attorney yourself. You need to be very careful you do not say anything that could put yourself in jeopardy. 
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UrbanExplorer
I hired an attorney to assist in my response. She said it is highly unusual to subpoena a witness about financial transactions going in this direction (from AP to spouse), but it might be a way to get specific dates and locations admitted as evidence to try to paint the spouse as having been out with the AP instead of at home with the kids (thus maybe affecting custody arrangements). It is also, obviously, useful to embarrass both participants in the affair. And expensive.
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UrbanExplorer
Scarlett wrote:
Urban, do you live in a state where the AP can be sued for absence of affection? I do live in one of those states, and that's been a constant fear. The only difference is my H could turn around and sue my AP, so it's kind of a wash. I am sorry you have to go through that. I recently went through a court case with my AP, and it's incredibly embarrassing and creates horrible triggers! It actually set my husband and me way back in recovery. If you can afford it, you may want to get an attorney yourself. You need to be very careful you do not say anything that could put yourself in jeopardy. 


I believe the couple's grounds for divorce are extreme cruelty and gross neglect of duty. We had admitted to the affair already, so the subpoena can't be a question of proving that it happened.

It does feel extremely violating to have my financial data admitted as public record. My lawyer is helping me to redact everything irrelevant.

ETA that I am not in a state that allows alienation of affection suits against APs.
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UrbanExplorer
I had hoped my legal response to the subpoena would end contact with former AP's wife, but she presented my husband with a stack of embarrassing messages I sent AP last year (the messages that led to DDay) and removed all of the dates so she could claim they were recent. All of the harassment happens at our kids' school. The saga continues.

It appears that the motivation for the subpoena, in addition to embarrassment, was to make a legal argument that former AP could have been working and making more money if he wasn't out with me. It's not a great argument, since we are talking about short meetings before and after work that did not affect his income, but that is the argument.
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Anna26
Urban...I really feel for you right now with all the trouble this woman is causing.  I know it could be said that she is within her rights to be angry and even vindictive about the whole thing, but to me it seems more like sheer spitefulness and, dare I say, even kind of childish.  She's clearly out for revenge whatever the cost to anyone. 

When you think about it what does her motivation to make an argument about the fact that he could have been earning more money, actually say about her?  He obviously never earned enough to start with!  It's so manipulative.

Never in my wildest dreams would I, as a BS, have wanted to behave in this way.  I might have FELT like it at times, but in the end, I realised my husband's  AP wasn't worth spending my time and energy on.
I sincerely hope things begin to improve for you once you've got all of this awfulness out of the way, and moved further afield.
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Kalmarjan
I'd like to add that if you have representation if it goes to court then through discovery, it will be impossible to hide her manipulation. It will backfire on her.
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Searching4
It may be that the BS needs to prove her STBX's earning potential for child support purposes?

We are still married, but had I discovered the A when I had young children and chose to divorce, I would have also fought to get as much CS as possible.

My H actually did allow his business to suffer. Had he put as much energy into our M as his A, we wouldn't be where we are. Had he concentrated on business instead of being distracted by his AP, and using company time to conduct the A, he would have had much more earning power.

Instead, he spent marital money to conduct the A, which over the years easily amounts to over $120,000.00

That was money spent on their entertainment, without my consent obviously and which could have gone toward education/trust funds/futures/retirement.

I still resent that. If I could sue the AP for 'Alienation of Affection', I would in a minute. But as a previous poster said, the OBS could do the same.
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UrbanExplorer
I did hire a lawyer for the subpoena response, and my lawyer wrote a cease and desist letter after former AP's wife harassed my husband for about the 10th time at the kids' school. This time, she brought along explicit messages from the affair last year but removed the dates to claim they were recent. It was a windy day, so I am glad they didn't blow all over the playground! She also claims I am seeing her daughter when the daughter is with former AP, and there is zero truth to that. It is an ugly situation that I am trying to avoid as much as possible. I will own what I did, but not what I did not do, and there is no reason to involve my husband at this point. He has known about the affair for as long as she has known. He is totally innocent in this situation, and her contact upsets him.

Regarding money, when I had a consultation about a possible dissolution for myself, my lawyer said that an affair itself has no effect on child or spousal support but that a large expenditure of marital assets on an affair partner can absolutely be reimbursable to the BS in a split. I was the one who paid for outings with former AP, but the total amount spent was maybe $500 or $1000.
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