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Mark
UrbanE,

I will go through your post but straight off the bat could you tell me how long you were in your A before the cracks started to appear in your R?

How was it affecting your children IN YOUR OPINION?

I ask as you are a woman breaking off the A which isn't quite a common as a man breaking it off...

Thanks

Mark.

P.S - sorry for the hijacking the thread.
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UrbanExplorer
Mark wrote:
UrbanE,

I will go through your post but straight off the bat could you tell me how long you were in your A before the cracks started to appear in your R?

How was it affecting your children IN YOUR OPINION?

I ask as you are a woman breaking off the A which isn't quite a common as a man breaking it off...

Thanks

Mark.

P.S - sorry for the hijacking the thread.


My affair was in 2015, lasted about 8 months before D-day, and it took about 6 months after that to completely cut off all communication and move forward in trying to rebuild my marriage. Thus, I would call it a 14-month affair on some level if I am honest with myself. AP was someone my H and I knew as an acquaintance prior to that, as he was in the same circles or community. Initially, I thought he was becoming a genuine friend. It turned into commisserating about marriage, deciding I was married to the wrong person, feeling like I was in love and then trying to use that to justify my actions - the usual affair story where the end is awful, shameful, and morally far from the beginning. 

As for cracks in the relationship, I assume you mean the affair relationship and not my marriage (I was about 18 years into marriage at the time). In hindsight, there were always red flags that my AP had issues aside from cheating with me, but I was making him into something more noble in my head and heart. A cruel and manipulative streak came to the surface after D-day, increased after his wife filed for divorce (2-3 months after D-day), and turned into intense jealousy and pressure as I went through discernment counseling with my H to try to figure out what might be possible there. I was mostly fence-sitting because I didn't know if I could come back to my marriage after what I had done, because I was stuck in the feeling of shame and humiliation and suicidal ideation, and because my AP was suddenly insisting he had left his wife and family for me. I'm embarrassed to have allowed the end to drag out, but that was my headspace at the time. I finally cut AP out of my life not knowing yet if my marriage could be salvaged but because I knew he could not be part of any healthy future. There was finality in going NC because I believed in it.

My kids were deeply affected by my actions, especially my oldest one. My affair became public knowledge at his school, as AP's kids also went there and AP's wife shared our affair proof there. My kids have since changed schools, which was shocking and stressful for them. AP's kids were even more affected than mine because their family actually broke apart and their parents tried to ruin each other in divorce court. My affair with AP was the last straw in apparently years of abuse in their marriage.

One of my kids developed a GI condition and became skeletal for a while. Two of them heard H yelling at me one night and came downstairs upset about it. They became preoccupied with the idea of divorce. They knew who AP was and thus know I had something inappropriate with him. I have one kid in therapy still today. I worry about how it will affect their future relationships.

There is a lot of self-deception by WS, but I think the most laughable belief might be the idea that the kids will warm to the AP and be happy that their wayward parent is happy. I realized soon after D-day that leaving for my AP would be devastating for them. Prior to D-day, I never thought my affair was going to affect them at all. Mental gymnastics.
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anthropoidape
That is uncanny to read.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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UrbanExplorer
Sorry, anthropoidape. 😔
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anthropoidape
It's okay. I am sure a lot is different in our case anyway but I am also sure at least some matches up. I know my wife really thought she'd found someone better and none of this whole thing makes me sadder. Anyone could have seen he was not. He used to scream at his wife in front of us and his own kids, spittle coming from his mouth, fist banging on the table. He would lose it during board games because he was losing, and just be incredibly unpleasant. And then the next day she'd be with him and still think she'd found someone better than me.

Anyway, a big difference is that it did not blow up publicly although I am sure a lot more people in our "old" circle know than we are aware of. At least one person has told me she knew before I did. (She also knows the AP and was like, eww who would have an affair with him?)

But mainly your post reminded me that I have dug very deep to prevent any impact on our children and that is a reward in itself,  and I feel much better when I remember that. I will always know that I, mostly alone, prevented the damage that the affair was almost sure to cause to our kids, and that it did cause to the AP's children. (I feel terrible for them still. I tried so hard to tell him and all he did was attack me more. He thought I was in a contest with him when I was trying to help him.)
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Mark
Both,

Sorry for digging up the past.

Thanks again.
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UrbanExplorer
anthropoidape wrote:
(She also knows the AP and was like, eww who would have an affair with him?)


I am certain people say the same thing about my AP, as several things about him were negative and deeply unattractive now that I am out of the fog. That can be exactly what feels natural and magnetic to a person with attachment trauma, though. It isn't an excuse, but it is something the WS needs to explore in therapy. 
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Laurajean83
anthropoidape wrote:


(She also knows the AP and was like, eww who would have an affair with him?)



If more people knew of my experience they would have the same reaction probably.  My AP wasn't better than my husband in any way, less attractive, and definitely less of a good person by miles and miles  (even excluding the affair).  The difference is I never thought he was better,  just very different.  His life, ideas, beliefs where all drastically different than my current life and when you feel like your drowning in mundane that feels like something.  

So know sometimes your WS never thought their AP was better than you.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Longnstrait
roughtime-I've been in your position.  I know what you're putting yourself thru.  I'm a WS myself, 18 months since d-day. I haven't told my story here, but you and I share a similar story and many of the same feelings towards our AP and our BS.  It's easy for someone to say tell the truth, much more difficult to do it because you know how much pain you have caused, and the last thing you want to do is cause more pain.   You know you need to stay with your wife, but your heart wants to stay with your AP.  It's a daily battle in your mind, and there is no way to decide.  You pray, you look for a sign, anything that will help you decide. Nothing. And you stay stuck. 

The right thing to do is chose your wife. You'll have a different relationship now. It may be better, but it will take a tremendous amount of effort.  It will take time. It will let you clear your head. Give it all you have with your wife, and if that  doesn't work this time at least you won't face the hell of guilt and regret. You can't live with that the rest of your life.  

Good luck, I understand where you are coming from.  
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Karilee
I am late coming onto this but just found this forum.  What you wrote could have been written almost word for word by my H.  Same story, he was in a 5 year long affair and is now in love with AP and wants a divorce.  He dragged his feet in leaving me for a very long time until we separated.  He was getting pressure from AP because she has since divorced her husband due to this affair and she wants a sure thing. Neither can be alone so at the expense of their BS hearts the only think of themselves.  Let me tell you coming from the BS this is the most painful thing you can do to your wife and family.  I can't feel bad for H or AP since both destroyed and crushed two innocent families.  The part you need to think about is that you are only thinking of YOUR happiness ultimately.  You will be hurt no matter what choice you make.  I have a hard time feeling any sympathy for AP either as she was doing the same deceitful thing to her H. Selfish.  Heartless.  Hurtful beyond words.  I was the loyal wife who stood by H through all of this for years hanging onto hope while dying inside.  The most devastating thing you can do is wait to leave until it's convenient for you.  Leave before you do more damage and figure yourself out.  I can only hope you some day appreciate what you gave up with your devoted wife and wonder if it will be worth it.  I am in her shoes.  It is the most painful thing in the world.  It is a feeling I cannot describe.  You put her life on hold while you have your other life then flip flop no knowing what to do.  Don't mess with hearts of loyal people just because you don't want to be without someone.  Don't wait until you have a "sure thing" to leave.  My heart aches beyond what I can describe and I just want you to know how devastating this is for your wife.  Please leave and be alone without W or AP until you figure yourself out.  I hope you can one day see how wrong this is. I am sure you have developed feelings for AP, but how can you be happy knowing what you were doing to another human being.  I'm sorry if I sound rough but I am living in the middle of this hell right now and there are days I don't know how to cope.  If you were the BS in this situation you would know the feeling and I can guarantee you would never do this again.  I only wish you could know that feeling.  God Bless and I hope you learn from this and change your ways.
Female BS, two kids age 10 & 13
Married 16 years, together for 23 years total
D Days - Feb 2013, June 2015 and Sept 2017
All with the same OW
Separated
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