akd011
My WH had a 6 month physical affair 3 years ago and my D-Day was just three weeks ago. We are working on rebuilding the marriage and me regaining trust. I am struggling to determine what kind of affair this was. My husband says he had no romantic feelings towards his AP throughout the affair. They just started out getting to know each other because he had to work with her a lot and they worked long hours together. Throughout the entire affair, he says he considered her a good friend and the sex ended up being a bonus. He did admit a sexual attraction came after sex and so did the flirting.  They had sex only a few weeks after working together. After the sex is when he said he felt closer to her and more open to talk with her about things which included our marital problems. It was physical for at least 5 out of 6 of the months and it happened on average two times a week i the beginning and then slowed down to about once a week. It was a lot of sex! But he admits getting other needs met from her that he didn’t get from me besides sex like attention, she listened to him, made him feel important and special, motivated him, she also made him feel wanted and desired (with sex). I’m just having a hard time with this. If he never had any romantic feelings and she was just a friend, would that mean that their sex was really just so great he could continue for that long? He claims it wasn’t the “best sex of his life” but felt it was exciting (because it was new & different) in the beginning and it was “good” compared to ours which was infrequent and routine and frankly, the boring marriage sex. But what I also struggle with is him saying it was just “average” sex and that she wasn’t anything that special in bed. How can that be though for him to continue it for so long? He obviously did get bored of it because he ended the affair on his own and quit his job so he could get out of it. He claims that was because of the guilt as well. I never even suspected cheating. I am just struggling to understand and I clearly don’t believe everything he days either.
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Bgreen
In my opinion a sexual affair with friendship and flirtation is romantic. Perhaps he is thinking of romantic in terms if he did not want to have a long term relationship with her? 

My husband also had a 6 month affair with all of those components, and I would certainly say they were romantic, however he claims he never wanted to marry her or be in an actual relationship and I do believe this, since he had every opportunity to do so. 

I would t get so caught up in the semantics, what really matter is that he is honest and that he is committed to healing you and the relationship. 

My WS claims the sex wasn’t good. Do I believe this? No. But do I believe that when he looks back on it now he hates it? Yes. Sometimes it’s a matter of opinion more than fact when it comes to matters of the heart.   
Female, BS 21 months post DDay
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Fionarob
I think it sounds like your husband is being fairly honest and open about his affair.  Maybe you are struggling to understand because you are seeing it through your own eyes, and thinking that if it was you, then you would have developed romantic or loving feelings in that situation??  It is possible to have a 'relationship' with someone that is based on friendship but also has a physical element.  Think of it as a 'friends with benefits' type thing, which is extremely common these days.  Two people who enjoy each other's company, have sex, but don't want anything else.  It is completely plausible that that's how your husband felt.  It fulfilled a need in him, but he didn't see it as anything more, and he didn't feel any loving or romantic emotions. 

The good thing is that he ended the relationship and you can now begin the long process of reconciliation, if that's what you choose to do.  It would be far worse if he did have romantic feelings for her, and was feeling constantly drawn back to her.  Six months may seem like a long time to you, that he kept things going.  But in the grand scheme of things it was a relatively short affair.  Affairs can go on for years and years - my ex husband's did.
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Crushed
My WS also denies that there was anything romantic or emotional involved.  I dont believe this either.  How can you talk and Skype with someone 3 hours a day have cybersex nightly and not be involved.  He says she was nothing to him just sex and he "had" to talk to her to keep the sex coming.  She was a awful person which he got from a sex site  who liked to hurt herself with clamps and weights and   foreign objects fir his pleasure.  But according to him he never talked about me he never complained about me but from part of emails that I found I know uts a lie.  I know he is lying and that's why I cant get over this.  Truth and honest is extremely important to build on.
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Keepabuzz
My wife also described her affair similarly. They were just friends, she had no romantic feelings for him. He must filled her need of feeling wanted. The sex was to perpetrate him continuing to fill that need. She didn’t feel wanted by me because I had essentially checked out due to her years of mistreatment of me.  She swears that she only ever wanted me, but she felt she had already ruined that and desperately needed to feel wanted. She ended her affair after 5 months, but didn’t stop contact they still were friends and worked together.  After she ended it she turned  back to the marriage,  and tried to be super wife. I had no idea she had betrayed me, but I knew something was terribly wrong, her treatment of me got far, far worse while she was having her affair, then after she ended it, she starting treating me really well. I wasn’t believing that all of a sudden everything was all better. I certainly wasn’t all better. I was genuinely focused on moving away from her, not towards her. So after a month of her giving it her all, and having no effect on me she decided that she needed to confess if she was going to even have a chance at keeping me. Sounds pretty a$$ backwards, but she was right. She confessed, my world turned upside down, and she never broke another boundary of mine. Do I believe her?  Maybe, I won’t ever know anything for sure. She certainly robbed me of that, among many other things. But it does makes some sense to me. It doesn’t make it ok, or acceptable in the slightest though. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthro
Also worth keeping in mind that memories are distorted things and affair memories more so than most. My wife simply doesn't remember a whole lot of stuff that I remember very clearly. 

So what was felt in the moment and what is remembered can be quite different. All that texting might have been arousing in anticipation of sex and tedious small talk in retrospect. "I love her" becomes "I thought I loved her" becomes "I never loved her". In a sense all three of those could be true, too.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Crushed
I dont know I think all the I love yous is what is the hardest to get over.   I thought that he loved  me  I thought that our life meant something.  But I was wrong 
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Keepabuzz
Everyone has their own opinion, and views on the different aspects of affairs, but here is mine. A person cannot love you, and cheat on you.  They may “have” love for you as the mother or father of their children, or as friend since you have been together for so long, etc., but I do not believe that someone can be “in” love with their spouse and have an affair. A one night stand? Maybe, but not an affair. My wife swears to this day that she always was in love with me, and I still call bull$hit.  I also don’t think that just because someone says “I love you” their AP actually mean it. No different than my wife telling me she loved me while at the same time carrying on an affair. My wife never told him she loved him, that they were just friends and she needed to feel wanted 🤮. But let’s be honest, there is no way in the world that I will ever know for sure. In my mind, I was nothing more than a paycheck and an annoyance for quite awhile before and during her affair. I “know” this because that is the way she treated me.  She can’t say that wasn’t the case, that she loved me, blah blah blah. Those are just words, and words have no value to me. Actions have value, and I KNOW what her actions said. People can claim the fog, mid life crisis, I was crazy, I was abused as a child. Those are all nothing but excuses and have zero value. I can see by her “actions” how she feels about me now, and since d-day.  I will only ever judge actions until I die. That’s what matter. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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UrbanExplorer
I wholeheartedly disagree that a person in love cannot cheat. Cheating is often unrelated to the marriage per se. I wouldn't say that an addict cannot be in love, and cheating plugs the same emptiness for a lot of people. It's a crappy, selfish coping mechanism. 
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Keepabuzz
I wholeheartedly disagree that a person in love cannot cheat. Cheating is often unrelated to the marriage per se. I wouldn't say that an addict cannot be in love, and cheating plugs the same emptiness for a lot of people. It's a crappy, selfish coping mechanism. 


So you were in love with your husband when you were having your affair?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthro
Keepabuzz wrote:


So you were in love with your husband when you were having your affair?


In my case... I'd have a very great deal of trouble accepting that, if my wife tried to say it were so. I am 100% certain she did not love me, and was in love with her AP. If she retrospectively sees it differently I guess that's normal enough and to some extent a good thing, but it definitely would not be factually accurate. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Crushed
There is no love, or even compassion for the betrayed.  My WS tells me how he always loved me that it was nothing that he never planned on leaving me.  (later he tells me that was one of their rules that never was going to leave spouse  they were playing dominant and submissive) That's suppose to make me feel better that he was going to keep me around to still take care of everything so he didnt have to.  But I have also had the excuse of (this is all time great)  he didnt know he was having affairs that he didnt consider getting women off a sex site and talking, skyping,  and having cyber sex ever night was cheating. He thought it was just real live porn.  Which he knew in was also against.  
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Cam28
My husband described his year long affair as friends with benefits.  She was his best friends wife.  He says he always love me and had no plans to ever leave me.  He later admitted that he wanted(during the affair) to be married to both of us.  He says he felt so good when he was with her.  I am afraid that he chose me because I handle a lot of things for him.  It seems like maybe I was more like his best friend.  They only ended it when got caught.  We were all together many times during.  How could they not feel bad?

dday April 18, 2019
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anthro
Cam28 wrote:
They only ended it when got caught.  We were all together many times during.  How could they not feel bad?


My wife and her AP made a very deliberate point of bringing our families into each other's orbit. Like, her AP's wife baked my wife's birthday cake. They sat there while his wife talked about how great it was that our kids all got along, were a bit like cousins. We went on a joint holiday, four adults four kids. Her AP was largely without any adult skills so I ended up fixing lots of stuff on their house for him - some serious renovation stuff. My own birthday during their affair, we went out for dinner with just the same eight people, plus my mother. I have had three birthdays since and when planning a dinner out for each one I am powerfully reminded of that evening. So every birthday is a particularly triggering occasion for me.

To my mind this aspect of the affair is probably the most repugnant. It means it involved vastly more deceit than a clandestine affair in a more separate sphere would have involved. It adds a layer of cruelty and abuse to it. It also made the whole thing much more damaging to our children (and the AP's children) - for months, actually years, they still asked when we would catch up with the other children again.

I don't really understand my wife's motive in bringing the families closer together. I do understand her AP's motive; it became clear after d-day that feeling like he had this secret superiority over me was exciting to him. In fact in the several interactions we had post d-day, it often seemed to me that he was more obsessed with me than he was with her. It is very weird to think back over. As far as I can tell, they expressly agreed that this was a way to keep seeing each other with less chance of being caught out. But that is not the same as the underlying motive.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Anthro - 

First - I agree. It IS repugnant and is an element that I think I'd have a particularly difficult time reconciling in my head.  It would have been weird enough to want to hang out with your SO and AP - but to include your children??? creepy.

I am curious about your comment that he seemed more obsessed with you than with her.  I felt this about the AP as well.  Weirdly, she had not paid my husband a lot of attention before meeting me.  Nor had he particularly noticed her.  But after meeting me and spending the better part of a day befriending me  - she started paying him a ton of attention.  It was really, really creepy in retrospect.  She began dressing more like me and full-on stalked my social media (I didn't become aware of it until well after DD - but it was likely happening for the entire time.)  I found this seeming focus on ME rather than my husband, very, very uncomfortable.  A friend (who is also a therapist) once said she had "single white femaled" me (the movie from the 1990s.) She felt that she saw something in me, or my life that she wanted to emulate/assimilate/have - and rather than use it as inspiration (as someone more healthy might) she became focused on the trappings of that life - the clothes, husband, daughter (she stalked her too), etc. 

On one level I realize that this shows why she needs compassion - because that isn't the action of someone who feels good about herself or her life.   But on another it makes me feel really, really uncomfortable - and even a little guilty.  Like somehow I brought this on myself by being too happy.  Too lucky.   I've even found myself wondering - what if I hadn't been so friendly with her that day?  What if I'd stuck by my husband's side or talked to some of the other ladies hanging out that day - rather than spend most of the day talking and laughing with her as she requested because she also didn't know many people there that day?  Sometimes, when I think about how she kept telling me how lucky I was that my husband loved me so much, that he was always talking about me and how much he missed me, asking me questions about how we'd met, how long we'd known each other, etc. I get angry with myself.   Because I REMEMBER thinking she seemed a little "too" fascinated with what she deemed the "perfect" love story.  But I dismissed my discomfort.  I told myself she was just a romantic that hoped to use our relationship as a model... but I think I accidentally put my husband and my life on a pedestal for her that day. 

Absolutely NONE of that changes the fact that if his heart and mind had been healthy and his integrity intact it wouldn’t have mattered what she thought/said/did.  I am not in any way excusing that - or saying it is all her fault.  I am just being honest about one of the specific things about the situation that has always made me particularly uncomfortable.  

Because it is still hard to look back and realize that somehow I appear to have played a role in the worst thing that ever happened to me.  And that if I'd listened to my intuition - I wouldn't have spent the last few years rebuilding myself, my life and my marriage.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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