Courage
We are 16 months past DDAY. As mentioned in other posts the recovery process has been full of trickle down truths and admitting to things once I've done the detective work. The last three discoveries have been huge. They were made in November and December. Firstly I found a visa bill for a hotel that was during the affair and he said it was business. I checked my calendar and it added up... But then I found a letter from his work stating the days of the conference and that all hotel expenses would be billed directly to the company. So it would seem that he told me he was away working for three days but in actual fact he worked for two and paid an extra night for a hotel. When I told him this he admitted that he booked the room but she couldn't get away from her H. It didn't sit well with me but what could I do... I left it a bit and couldn't let it go.. So I checked phone bills and noticed there were calls back and forth btw them in the morning but nothing after that. So, to make a long story short- he finally admitted that yes they spent a night away- after always swearing that they never got away together. So with a hotel visit, also came the admission that yes, there was sex. I asked him this question 1000 times over the year and he denied it. Oh and sex with no protection. That derailed me. I went ballistic. Then a month later near the end of December I looked through other phone bills and saw a lot of text exchanges after discovery ( numbers aren't shown but there were hundreds) I checked it with my bill and all those texts weren't to me. He has sworn all contact ended on DDAY, and finally admitted that contact continued for a few months after, but only through text. He never saw her. ( I have no proof- just his word, which is worth nothing) Anyway he is hell bent on saving this marriage and I feel I am broken. I struggle everyday with trying to be loving... I do try- but I just can't give what I'm capable of. He is adamant that we will get through this and there are no more lies. I'm very confused about what to do. I just can't see myself getting past this. I am sick of being angry, I am sick of wondering if he still is in contact with her. I just want to live a normal life again. I resent what his affair and lies have done to me. Will I ever get past this and trust and love again? I hate what this affair has done to me!
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Kalmarjan
Courage,

I hate what this has done to you too. The worst part of this is that I think as WS your husband thinks he is trying to "save" you from hurt by hiding the complete truth.

Full disclosure, for me it was all about saving my own ass. I deliberately hid one truth that I knew would devastate my wife, but told her the rest. I came completely clean after going NC, and to remove the leverage my AP used to try to get me to contact her.

Thing is, what that was did devastate my wife (who told me that she really wished I hadn't have told her) but at least it was a clean slate afterwards. That way there was something to rebuild on.

That's what the flaw in the WS logic is. YOU CAN'T BUILD A RELATIONSHIP OFF A FOUNDATION OF LIES AND DECEIT.

That's why affairs fail as relationships. That's why reconciliation fails. A WS that tries to control the outcome of their actions will eventually fail because the truth has a way of coming out somehow.
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Anna26
Courage wrote:
We are 16 months past DDAY. As mentioned in other posts the recovery process has been full of trickle down truths and admitting to things once I've done the detective work. The last three discoveries have been huge. They were made in November and December. Firstly I found a visa bill for a hotel that was during the affair and he said it was business. I checked my calendar and it added up... But then I found a letter from his work stating the days of the conference and that all hotel expenses would be billed directly to the company. So it would seem that he told me he was away working for three days but in actual fact he worked for two and paid an extra night for a hotel. When I told him this he admitted that he booked the room but she couldn't get away from her H. It didn't sit well with me but what could I do... I left it a bit and couldn't let it go.. So I checked phone bills and noticed there were calls back and forth btw them in the morning but nothing after that. So, to make a long story short- he finally admitted that yes they spent a night away- after always swearing that they never got away together. So with a hotel visit, also came the admission that yes, there was sex. I asked him this question 1000 times over the year and he denied it. Oh and sex with no protection. That derailed me. I went ballistic. Then a month later near the end of December I looked through other phone bills and saw a lot of text exchanges after discovery ( numbers aren't shown but there were hundreds) I checked it with my bill and all those texts weren't to me. He has sworn all contact ended on DDAY, and finally admitted that contact continued for a few months after, but only through text. He never saw her. ( I have no proof- just his word, which is worth nothing) Anyway he is hell bent on saving this marriage and I feel I am broken. I struggle everyday with trying to be loving... I do try- but I just can't give what I'm capable of. He is adamant that we will get through this and there are no more lies. I'm very confused about what to do. I just can't see myself getting past this. I am sick of being angry, I am sick of wondering if he still is in contact with her. I just want to live a normal life again. I resent what his affair and lies have done to me. Will I ever get past this and trust and love again? I hate what this affair has done to me!




I agree with what Kal has said here about your husband trying to save you from being hurt more.  Mine does this too, in fact I think that's part of the reason we are still in the situation that we are in, he just couldn't 'decide' between me and her.  I don't think he wanted to hurt either of us.  
In the end, like you I would much rather the truth came out all at once than be fed little bits at a time just to make it easier.  It's misguided and in the end, cruel, to delay things in this way.

And I agree with you, it hurts like hell to find out there's something more, or something has been continuing when you believe it is 'over'.  I've had this happen to me too. Part of the reason we separated was to allow him to clear his head and decide, but one of the things I'd asked at the time was that he had no contact with her while he did so.  And indeed, he managed this for a while, but then one day I found out the the affair was 'on' again.  I don't know what is going on now, and I don't ask, because it's just to painful to perhaps find out that things are still going continuing.  In any case, the most I get from him is that he still cares about her, but he cares about me and he doesn't know what to do. He just doesn't seem to want to move in either direction.

I think I've just accepted now that I'm never going to get the full story and tried to move past this on my own.  I'm trying to step aside from the problem and build on what we do have right now, which is a reasonable relationship, we do get on fairly well.  But I do know that for him to move home should he want to, there would have to be an end to any kind of friendship or contact with her. And I realise that if he should come home, things would be very difficult for some time.

I think I'm about the same length of time out from Dday as you and for a long time time I was wading through the mire, trying to find my way.  I'm hoping I'm beginning to come out at the other side now and I think that's more to do with attitude and my outlook on life right now.  Things could be a lot worse, but for now at least, I have a roof over my head and the bills are paid.  In a funny kind of way, I think, as I have no control over what they do, I'm almost letting them get on with it,(if they still are) because if I don't, it affects everything that happens in my life. 
Like others, I've been through a lot of rough patches in my life and although it can be the worst feeling at the time, I think every time you go through something, it leaves you strong enough to face whatever comes next.  I'm sorry you are still going through this like so many of us, but we are here for you, to help and support you.
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