AHmember68
I am a betrayed spouse and it has been 7 months since he was caught red handed, he was not remorseful instead putting all the blame on me and very angry each time when I talked about his affair. We have 2 young kids and they lived with me, he is a weekend father as he is running his business in another City . We have many heated arguements and I have applied many strategies to try to win him back or reconnect with him until I felt that it Was not useful at all. So I decided have to apply Tim's advice on the articles of Winning your WS for about a month plus now, the conflict has diminished and I didn't bother him at all on what is going on in his life, I recently joined the church cell group and he joined too. He seemed to show little interest now to reconcile and call me Dear in his text or calling me. Somehow I don't think he is truly remorseful or wanting this marriage to work .. I am still very hurt and trying hard to move on from my pain. However, he is definitely trying hard to be a good father as he loves our 2 kids. I have learned about the boundaries and focus on my self growth, somehow I m still very hurt and can't get over. At times I felt calm and confident at times I was just lousy to death. I have given him the ultimatum 2 months ago on if he s still want to continue his affair then I want to move on but I don't know how to draw the line with him as he is still the father of our kids. Each time he come back so call "our home" I let him stayed in our room and I stayed with the kids, it has been months also, the ultimatum deadline is our daughter birthday which is next week and I know Its time for me to do something like structure seperation which I don't know how to lay down the boundaries on visiting the kids and finances etc. I want to move on and maybe eventually DDay .. Right now I just don't think or don't see he is fully wanting to reconcile this marriage. By year end I have decided to move to another place when the lease ended , I don't plan to let him know where we stay as he also did not let me know where he stays right now.. Each time when we go back, we are staying with his parents and he will come back to stayed with is for the few days.. What do you think I should do?? I feel like I m giving out to fight on this marriage and I know healing takes time too for both of us but I want him to know the consequences and that is the boundaries too.. I m going to let him know that I have given up completely and he has to accept that this is the consequences of his decision. I need some advice and recently one of the church leader ( who knows about our situation asked him to join the church marriage course , he s considering but I never mind a thing ( I m not to sure whether I should openly asked him to join ) by drawing a last chance to salvage the marriage.. What is your advice?
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Mrssgt
I have no advice, but your story sounds simmular. Mine won't admit it, but I know what he did. you sound like your In a much better situation. Good luck and I hope all works out.
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TimT
I don't know if I fully understand enough to give specific advice. If you need more thorough input, you may want to consider one of the Talk To Tim options. But let me say a couple general things...

You have the right to wait for clear indications of your husband's sincerity and commitment. If he only stays connected to the process because he doesn't want to face divorce or lose the children, that might be okay at the beginning of the process but is never good enough for a couple that wants to experience the kind of healing that brings a return to intimacy and trust. 

You also have the right NOT to wait. If you choose to offer grace and forgiveness and a chance for trust to be rebuilt, that's up to you. But I do not believe anyone has the right to tell you how long you should wait. Promises were broken; you alone get to decide when enough is enough.

If you do decide to establish a firm boundary and tell him you are no longer willing to do things this way, be sure you are ready to follow through with it. If you SAY you are going to do so and then don't follow through with it, he will likely not take your boundaries seriously from this point on. When you're ready, follow through.

All kinds of people will have advice regarding how many chances you should give your marriage. And maybe you want to give it more time. But even though I am a Christian and understand the counsel that often comes from the church, be very careful that you are not making choices out of guilt or obligation. That is not fair to you.

Hope that helps...
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flight
What helped me was to do a lot of reading about "affair fog". It helped me understand a lot and come to terms with the fact that the person I loved and trusted seemed to have turned into an unrecognizable monster. How can they not be remorseful??? Also, search the term "cognitive dissonance". Your choice is a difficult one. You can choose to be the only one to fight for your marriage now since it seems he is in that fog still, or to choose another path. Good luck and keep posting. 
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