UnsureofHer
A year ago as a way of saying that I was trying to work towards being able to trust my wife again I bought her an overnight ticket to go to a retreat center nearby here the Christian musician at a women's retreat.

It's a place that we have both been before. It's a lovely setting just to spend some time relaxing and enjoying the program

when I bought it a year ago in the back of my mind I thought I'd be much farther along in recovery after her betrayals.This is actually the first time in twenty one months that she will be away without me. There was one night early on but I could not avoid going away overnight and it just about killed me. High School

Reality is even though I don't think anything will happen there or that she will reach out to someone by her phone it is still feels incredibly uncomfortable.

I'm afraid but I will spend the evening in the next morning obsessing. That's something that leads to nothing good for me.

How did others handle their spouse going away while you're working on restoring your marriage?
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Keepabuzz
I travel nearly every week on business. I actually left on d-day after my wife’s confession. It was a preplanned trip, but I left a day early as I couldn’t stand the sight of her. I still travel every other week and have throughout the almost 4 years since d-day for me.  In the early days, it was all about being super vigilant. I had GPS on her phone and car. I had her text me when she left the house, text me when she got where she was going, text me when she left, them text me when she got home. I would FaceTime her randomly to ensure she was where she said she was and hadn’t found a work around to the GPS.  I didn’t really care if she stayed or left at that point, because I really just wanted to divorce, but I had kids. The control for me, was about ensuring I was not being taken for a fool and disrespected any longer. 

As time went on, and she did all the right things (mostly). I eased up on all of that. But travel for me was still very difficult. My wife would spend time with her AP while I was gone on business trips, so those trips were particularly triggering. I found when driving for long periods of time I couldn’t get my mind out the dark hole, of intrusive thoughts and playing the affair movie in my head. I rarely ever slept while l was gone. So when I came home, I would be exhausted. 

I did a couple of things that helped me.

1. I started flying more. - I was able to watch movies etc, or read a book to keep my mind occupied.
2. VERY frequent communication - normally texts, but she would text me many, many times through out the day. Then phone calls at night and I the morning before I went to my meetings.  This gave me a feeling of connection, even with the distance. 
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The first one is the hardest, but you have a pretty long time from d-day. I hope you wife has done her part to fill the gaping hole she put in your heart, and made the deposits of love back into it. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
Given that my FWH frequently travels for work, I have had to deal with this plenty. 

As far the actual logistics go, I have found that touching base throughout the day and Face Timing can help ease the anxiety.  Giving your own self things to do to keep your mind occupied and engaged also help.  It won't make it disappear but it can lessen it.

As you know, this has nothing to do with logic.  I was well aware that if my husband wanted to he could be texting/calling/contacting his AP (or someone new) on the way to the store, when he was getting gas, in the bathroom, etc.  If there's a will, there's a way - especially in the digital age.  So the only real relief came when I began to believe (at a deep level) that he really didn't WANT to.  That his motivation wasn't solely about not hurting me (a good reason, but what happens when he's mad at me or feeling hurt ?), that it wasn't just because he was happy and feeling connected in our marriage (another good one, but it's not always going to be rainbows and butterflies) but also because HE had an unwavering commitment to never, ever be a deceptive person again - FOR HIMSELF.  Losing his integrity was painful and something he did not want to experience again.  

Have you and your wife been going to marriage counseling or individual counseling?  Has she explored the reasons behind the choices she made and taken steps to address those places within herself?   Has she been seeking to understand your boundaries and honoring them?  Going out of her way to be transparent and looking for ways to make you feel safe and valued? 

These are the things that are necessary to rebuild on solid footing.  If she's leaving it up to YOU to find ways of feeling safe this will be a long and likely, fruitless road. 

As you know, you can't control/ police anyone (not that all of us haven't tried to for at least some time during this process.)  She needs to want to make the changes and to show you that you have a STRONG reason to believe that your heart is safe in her hands, that she has changed her thinking and understanding in such significant ways that it is unlikely that she would make similar choices again.  Otherwise you will live in a constant state of fight or flight and that is no way to live.  

Hopefully she is doing those things and you are just still on the long road of rebuilding trust and recovering from triggers that take far longer than any of us would like.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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anthro
That is particularly hard, especially when it is still not too long since d-day. 

My wife doesn't travel but I sometimes do. In my case, the affair was a daytime thing when I was at work, not an evening thing, so that helped a bit. Basically the fact she was at home with the kids meant nothing could happen (they are blabbermouths). 

But without any formal agreement, we do maintain a high level of contact when I'm away, mainly at her instigation. We talk before going to sleep, for example. 

I had similar issues with her going to gym in the evening though. This was one place they used to meet up; they'd sit in the sauna at the gym together. One time when the eight of us (our two kids, her AP's two kids, his wife) all went to a swimming venue together, my wife and her AP went to the sauna and left me and his wife with the kids. It was annoying at the time but in retrospect more than annoying, really insulting and repulsive. My wife's enjoyment of saunas pre-dated the affair (I am not that into them, personally), and after d-day, after we'd moved suburbs as well, she went to the sauna at a different place a couple of times in the evening. It was hopeless. I lost my grip; I was a basket case by the time she got home. She simply stopped going, which is in truth one sacrifice for her though not a huge one. When we move house, we'll probably have a sauna at home.

Other times, when she has gone to our new gym in the evening (something I also do, we both work in the day), we've sent each other photos of what we are up to. Like, look, I am doing deadlifts now, or whatever. I no longer have any suspicion she is up to anything. What is obvious is that you can have various forms of contact and reassurance but any of them could be faked by a determined cheater. There's no precaution you could choose that a cheater couldn't work around. So it is not a road I ever really went down.

No real point to any of the above... just letting you know your anxiety is completely understandable. It does diminish, not because of effective surveillance and so on but because over time the bigger picture becomes more clearly a picture of someone you can trust. For example, my wife just doesn't have other behaviours that were prominent during the affair such as constantly attending to her phone and generally being secretive and so on. She is very much an open book generally and is if anything too clingy and wants to be together too much of the time. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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BorealJ
Here's an old post about this topic.  https://community.affairhealing.com/post/traveling-sad-9755275?&trail=15 
I hope you find that you do better than you anticipate.  I'm pretty far along in recovery, but trips are still tough.  Never really from a trust perspective, just from a recalling of bad memories I guess.  It reminds me that there is still maintenance to do even though most days I'm doing well. 
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AnywhereButHere
I deal with it the same way I deal with her texting, her going to her office everyday, basically with her engaging with other people without my surveillance. I realize and remind myself that it just doesn't matter.

Last year I found out that my wife cheated on me, physically, a few months before we were married and then, 26 years later she had an emotional affair. I don't believe complete trust is ever coming back and that I will ever be fully secure and confident in our marriage again.

That being the case, I've had to embrace this truth: If my wife is going to destroy our marriage, then it's going to happen and all my surveillance won't stop her. And if my watching her 24/7 is what it takes to keep our marriage faithful...then our marriage is not really worth keeping.

It is detaching and letting go of assuming all the responsibility for how healthy your marriage will be. It can be hard at times. But worry and anxiety over something you can't control will kill you.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Keepabuzz
In the early days and really months, it was about hyper vigilance. But after that, it changed. For me when I would travel, it wasn’t about what she was doing, or not doing, where she was going or not going. It was about how “I” felt. What feelings, me being away stirred in me. After about a year, I was as certain as one could be that she wasn’t lying to me, she was commuted, etc. BUT that didn’t mean that my anxiety didn’t rage, or that the mind movies didnt happen, they I didn’t get triggered MUCH more while I was gone than when I was home. That didn’t mean I slept much at all, etc. My issues with being gone on a business trip weren’t worry about what she would do in my absence, it was all the triggering and PTSD symptoms I would experience. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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UnsureofHer
Thanks for the support. It was a hard night for me. I got through it but it wasn't easy.
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anthro
UnsureofHer wrote:
Thanks for the support. It was a hard night for me. I got through it but it wasn't easy.


Totally understandable... well done getting through it. Objectively, how was it? Did anything happen that worried you? 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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arizons
Keepabuzz wrote:
In the early days, it was all about being super vigilant. I had GPS on her phone and car. I

I still have spyware on my husbands phone.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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UnsureofHer
I got through the night. It wasn't easy. She had some difficulties related to her disability that worried me for her physically but as far as boundaries she was ok. I 
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arizons
UnsureofHer wrote:
I got through the night. It wasn't easy. She had some difficulties related to her disability that worried me for her physically but as far as boundaries she was ok. I 
I am glad she is ok... But I am MORE glad that you are!! 
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Keepabuzz
arizons wrote:

I still have spyware on my husbands phone.


I don’t blame you one bit!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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GuyInPain
This is an important topic.  The involved partner must be willing to be accountable through communication, much as other contributors have said, and must also be willing to make sacrifices.  The instance above where the adulterous wife eventually was willing to give up going to saunas is a good example of that.  Shirley Glass is very good about accountability and sacrifice in this regard in her book Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity, which is also an excellent book overall on just about every aspect of infidelity.  Shirley cites an involved wife's initial reluctance to give up a tennis foursome in which the AP was a member – I think she eventually gave it up, but the struggle about it was traumatic for the betrayed husband and made him wonder – quite rightly! – whether she was really willing to give up the affair.
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Keepabuzz
GuyInPain wrote:
This is an important topic.  The involved partner must be willing to be accountable through communication, much as other contributors have said, and must also be willing to make sacrifices.  The instance above where the adulterous wife eventually was willing to give up going to saunas is a good example of that.  Shirley Glass is very good about accountability and sacrifice in this regard in her book Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity, which is also an excellent book overall on just about every aspect of infidelity.  Shirley cites an involved wife's initial reluctance to give up a tennis foursome in which the AP was a member – I think she eventually gave it up, but the struggle about it was traumatic for the betrayed husband and made him wonder – quite rightly! – whether she was really willing to give up the affair.


If my wife had had a tennis 4 some with her AP, and didn’t want to give it up, I would have then encouraged her to go to it and enjoy it, and while she was there I would have been at the lawyers office. I would have been done, done. In my opinion the boundaries, and accountability are NOT negotiable. The WS will do it, or they won’t, I wasn’t willing to wait and see.  To each their own though. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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