BrokenHearted
So last night my WH FINALLY opened up a bit about his affair with details I've needed. I've  been suspicious that his "I don't remember" was just him trying to protect me. And I was right. Trickle truth for 18 mos now more HONESTY and new info. I'm right back to Dday as far as i feel right now. 

Anyone else experience this, and if so, how did you cope and deal with it?
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surviving
Yes, I went through the same thing, not as long as you though, but the trickle truth was real!  We are five years from DDay.  I don't think there is anything else new to learn about.  At least, I hope there isn't.  Yes, the trickle truth caused a new DDay.  It was like starting all over.  
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hurting
Trickle truth is the single most damaging thing that the WS can do in ‘reconciliation’... it takes the BS right back and negates all the hard work and pain that has been put in prior... and breaks down what little hard earned trust is there to nothing. Again. This makes it almost impossible to earn back...

I will offer this at risk of being hypocritical though. If your WS offered the information... and you DIDN’T discover it by yourself by investigating, then perhaps there is another way to look at it. 

New informatiom HURTS. It’s why we tell our WS we need the TRUTH from the start. They’re generally too cowardly to provide it though. Mine certainly was a coward. He sought to protect both himself and ‘protect’ me (which is garbage. If he had wanted to ‘protect’ me he shouldn’t have done it in the first place), from the truth. We NEED the truth in order to have all the pieces of the puzzle that they broke our lives for.

Maybe though... a WS who OFFERS up information without prompting, without us dragging it out of them, is a WS who is starting to ‘get it’. It hurts their BS terribly... but while the details themselves may hurt, it’s also largely the fact that they have lied for 18 months that hurts, isn’t it? 

A WS who is offering and giving honesty is a good thing... even if the contents of that honesty hurts. It is progress.

I dont know if this is helpful. Having new details to mull over creates new triggers and takes you right back. I know that feeling. I went f’ing crazy the last time I found more details (through investigation. I only wish my WS Had offered up the information himself as I DO believe this would’ve made a difference). I know I wish that my WS had come clean and just TOLD ME THE TRUTH. I think there’s something to be said for the telling... having said that, I actually do believe my WS had forgotten about this particular bit of information I had dug up. 

as for how to cope...? I’m not the best example of ‘coping’. I was completely overwhelmed and massively triggered/flooded. Eventually though, the acute reaction subsided. What I was left with was how my WS chose to deal with the situation on hand at the time. Dealing with the new information was terrible and extremely difficult... for me, because it changed the timeline I had in my head. This just about broke me and I was VERY close to just calling it quits. I turned to this forum for help. I also had to try to focus on the ‘now’. By focusing on my WS’s actions NOW and how he responded to my trauma, I slowly managed to get back on track...
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BrokenHearted
hurting wrote:
Trickle truth is the single most damaging thing that the WS can do in ‘reconciliation’... it takes the BS right back and negates all the hard work and pain that has been put in prior... and breaks down what little hard earned trust is there to nothing. Again. This makes it almost impossible to earn back...

I will offer this at risk of being hypocritical though. If your WS offered the information... and you DIDN’T discover it by yourself by investigating, then perhaps there is another way to look at it. 

New informatiom HURTS. It’s why we tell our WS we need the TRUTH from the start. They’re generally too cowardly to provide it though. Mine certainly was a coward. He sought to protect both himself and ‘protect’ me (which is garbage. If he had wanted to ‘protect’ me he shouldn’t have done it in the first place), from the truth. We NEED the truth in order to have all the pieces of the puzzle that they broke our lives for.

Maybe though... a WS who OFFERS up information without prompting, without us dragging it out of them, is a WS who is starting to ‘get it’. It hurts their BS terribly... but while the details themselves may hurt, it’s also largely the fact that they have lied for 18 months that hurts, isn’t it? 

A WS who is offering and giving honesty is a good thing... even if the contents of that honesty hurts. It is progress.

I dont know if this is helpful. Having new details to mull over creates new triggers and takes you right back. I know that feeling. I went f’ing crazy the last time I found more details (through investigation. I only wish my WS Had offered up the information himself as I DO believe this would’ve made a difference). I know I wish that my WS had come clean and just TOLD ME THE TRUTH. I think there’s something to be said for the telling... having said that, I actually do believe my WS had forgotten about this particular bit of information I had dug up. 

as for how to cope...? I’m not the best example of ‘coping’. I was completely overwhelmed and massively triggered/flooded. Eventually though, the acute reaction subsided. What I was left with was how my WS chose to deal with the situation on hand at the time. Dealing with the new information was terrible and extremely difficult... for me, because it changed the timeline I had in my head. This just about broke me and I was VERY close to just calling it quits. I turned to this forum for help. I also had to try to focus on the ‘now’. By focusing on my WS’s actions NOW and how he responded to my trauma, I slowly managed to get back on track...


He offered it up after I asked him "what did your affair mean to you?"- which is one suggested by Esther Petrol (sp?). It seemed to really spark him to be honest.
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ssix6pack


He offered it up after I asked him "what did your affair mean to you?"- which is one suggested by Esther Petrol (sp?). It seemed to really spark him to be honest.


That is a great question to ask. 

I hope you will be able to process this new information thiroughly, and hopefully you will feel healing taking place quicker (and deeper)  than you did on your first d-day. Big hugs. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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BrokenHearted
While the info hurt like the first and second d day, I surprised myself by staying calm. It just basically confirmed my suspicions.... I wasn't crazy, I was right!

It also showed me how far I've come. No, lying to me all this time, while I suspected it, just affirmed in me that he can't be trusted to be honest yet.

I'm doing surprisingly well today, and in a way that scares me. I thanked him for being vulnerable and honest with me. I hope he continues. I think.  He even felt better getting it off his chest.
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BrokenHearted
In his defense too, he had ended romantic encounters with SO when I confronted him with the proof and called it an affair. Although he still works with her, and she still tries to woo him back. For about a year, he suffered under the delusion they could still be "friends" until I set boundaries. Now he tells me he realizes that he was wrong, avoids her at work, and "sees what you see" in her that he didn't before.

He has been transparent and I know where he is at all times. He helps me through triggers and flooding, and while he hasn't done any bootcamps etc, our last conversation did show me he's been looking inward....althoygh not as much as I had hoped for. But I guess I have to look at the progress and not expect perfection. I just hoped it would have gone easier had he come to these realizations sooner. I just want to heal and move on. I don't want to be in this same place in another year.
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hurting
Tbh as much as it hurts and brings you back to feeling like you’re at another d-day... I think that’s progress. It hurts badly, but I think both of you handled it well. Him for being honest and not answering with ‘I don’t remember/know’. You for keeping calm about it. 

Although it feels like you’re at d-day again... you’re not. I think you’ll find his answering this honestly is a big step forward, once the ‘fresh’ hurt has been processed, and maybe even a necessary part of healing. It SUCKS that it took him this long to answer the question, but he did it! That’s a plus! You controlling your response is also a huge plus! 
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