BeginAgain
We're 5 days out from three months after D-Day and after all the rage of the past few weeks, I've found myself being very quiet. My husband has noticed and asks me a million times a day whether I'm okay. The truth is that the the mind movie of them in the car plays on an infinite loop from the moment I wake up in the morning, until I go to sleep at night. I've been feeling very low. I just want to sleep. At least when I sleep, I don't think. I'm doing my level best to drown my sorrows this evening, to have just one moment where I don't see them together, but it's not working. I'm not really looking for advice,  just putting it out there that it really hurts right now.
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hurting
I’m sorry... it’s so tough to have intrusive thoughts that just won’t leave you alone and torment your every waking moment 🙁

I gradually got better at redirecting my thoughts, but it took time. 3 months is very early into this mess so I’m not surprised at your post. I was a bloody mess at that point too. What I found helpful was either distraction (which only works for a little while it at all) and thought stopping. 

Obviously I get why THAT particular mind movie is haunting you- mine were similar... just not in the car. Is the car still around? Does your husband drive it? For me, if the car itself was still around and that was my situation, it would be a huge trigger. If that’s not the case, and the mind movie is literally just there tormenting you... you could try thought stopping. It takes practice though. I tend to think if there is some question you need to clear up with your WS related to the mind movie, it’s important to talk about it with him. If it’s just there tormenting you because of certain facts you’ve learnt and there’s nothing more you need to KNOW about it, then all it is doing is hurting you. 

I remember when I was in that state, and I read a post on here about a fellow BS who stated she eventually realised that SHE was the only one being hurt by the mind movies. And that she was the only one watching them, like she was glued helplessly to the screen, popcorn out and all. Not her WS, not the AP. So she chose to ‘walk away’ from the movies and refused to watch them any more. I read that post, and all I could think of was ‘HOW?!’ ‘When can I get to that point?!’

be patient with yourself, but also focus on looking after you. Do things that you like that are less likely to trigger you. Spend time with friends. Try to give yourself some down time from this mess. 

I still have huge triggers now and then... and occasionally still have mind movies, 16 months out. But I’m far better at controlling them- I don’t feel there’s anything to be gained from ‘sitting and watching the movie with popcorn out’ any more. All it will do is hurt me, and I’ve been hurt far too badly by my WS already... I don’t need to hurt MYSELF more by ‘indulging’ (NOT!) in these. So I tell myself to ‘STOP!’ and picture a big stop sign when I do it. I then reason with myself that there is NOTHING to be gained by letting that unfold again- only pain, and I’ve seen it a million times over already. 

Sleeping pills and melatonin were necessary for me in the early stages of discovery as I couldn’t sleep BECAUSE of the mind movies and distress. I would wake up crying and hyperventilating. Perhaps it’s time for a visit to your doctor to see if they can prescribe something to help you to get some rest? 
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BeginAgain
Yes, the car is still around. It's our main mode of transportation and we can't afford to replace it. Every time we go anywhere, I'm in the seat he gave her. I don't know the specifics of how they had sex and I don't want to, but my mind fills in the blanks. I keep thinking of the day I got into the car and the seat had been moved. He denied it of course, insisted no one had been in the car. Now I know differently. Now I wonder if that was the day. I'm very drunk and feeling very broken, so I will leave it at that.
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Keepabuzz
My wife didn’t have sex in her car with her AP, but he rode in it. For a very long time I refused to even get in that car. I really wanted to sell it,  but that felt a bit like a reward for my wife to me. She knows I hate her car, and won’t ride in if I have a choice. There have been a few times where I have had no choice. On those occasions I drove, or sat in the back seat. I will not sit where he sat. Then again, it seems a bit ridiculous to me too. I mean he was “IN” my wife!!!!  He just sat in that car. 🤷‍♂️. I don’t care, it will be gone soon anyway...
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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notemanj
EMDR is what ultimately saved me from those movies. I still get triggered. I still think about things, but they have less of an effect on me. 

You can do EMDR on your own. Use a pair of noise blocking head phones. Look up “binaural beats” on YouTube. Find one that lasts for the time length you have to wallow (having to deal with the real world sucks rotten eggs at your point past DDay). Then, listen to the music and focus on the movie that is currently eating you alive. Close your eyes.  Really allow yourself to dive in deep. Allow all of the visions to play themselves out in your head. Cry. Sob. Pound a pillow if you need to while you are doing this. When the music stops, get up and clean yourself up. Wash your face. Practice deep breathing (or Yoga breathing). And then go about your day. Repeat as necessary. 

You will find that the movies dont interrupt as often. You will not forget about the facts. But they WILL hurt less. It has to do with how memories are stored in your brain when you are in a traumatic state. It will allow you to put those memories back in your brain where they belong, instead of in the fight or flight area. 

This is still very very raw for you. The sadness will come and go. It will overtake you for awhile. And then you will notice that it has moved on and a new emotion is in its place—rage, or bargaining, or acceptance for a moment. 

Its a grieving process that you are going through. You can only move at the pace YOU need to move. It is frustrating and will take way longer than either of you want it to take. But I promise, it will end. 

Check out 
and 


These videos discuss the grieving process pretty well. 

And we all here are always here for you. 

Keep fighting through it. It will get better. I spent my first year post DDay drunk. And I still drink more than I should. 
Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 5/15/2018 and counting. 
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Keepabuzz
I stayed drunk the first year (probably longer) too. Honestly that was the only way I could get any sleep or sleep without nightmares. I’m coming up on 4 years soon, and at times I still self medicate with alcohol.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Experiencethedevine29
I’m with you two, keepabuzz and noteman...I used the booze to self medicate, and still do. It’s a lifelong and habitual crutch in times of stress and I’m not ashamed.

i like booze, always have, so it’s easy to down a few when I’m in a shi**y place, and no, I’m not dependant, it’s always a choice.

BeginAgain, it’s early days for you, so take it a day at a time for now, but know that you CAN get through this, under your own steam and in your own way.


ETD 🌻
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Skelling
BA I am only a little further along at 7month out and just a few short weeks back, I was still struggling so much with the movies and thoughts that just wouldn't leave me alone but for me, they would also hunt me in my sleep. My therapist said, when the head starts spinning at night to write stuff down as the brain can't do both at the same time. I had the hardest time sleeping but it is getting better now. The movis still start playing but I am at a point now, when I can press the pause button and sometimes, if I am really lucky the off button. Just like you the movie of them together in that hotel room, would bring me to the end of my rope. As you say it would play in endless loop. And somewhere I read its not helpful. No Sh!t. They compared it in being in an accident and then after being shown the scene of how the car is crashing over and over again. Of course it deepens the trauma. However, I believe it somehow helps in a way to come to accept it too. I know that for me this was and still is the hardest part. To accept that it happened. It happened to me!!! I was so blindsided and I think replaying the mind movie showed me that I can't run away from the fact that this really happened. That its not a nightmare, that I will wake up from and that my husband was really that awful person, that I thought he could never be. Try looking at them from a different angle. Maybe if you accept that they show up and accept how they make you feel, you can start dealing with them better. Just like a stupid movie that you have seen a ton of times, it looses its interest and becomes "boring". Its still there playing but at some point you stop paying attention to it because, you know the plot and it won't affect you as much. Hang in there. It is very hard but as they say it does get better, I promise.
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hurting
Good god. I think I would rather walk barefoot over coals than sit in a car the AP had been in like that. Of course that’s an impractical way to approach it, but I can see why you’re getting frequent flashbacks and mind movies. 

I probably would’ve taken a knife to the seats and then set the thing on fire... I made my WS do that to a gift she had given him which he had forgotten about and I found. Went at it with a kitchen knife and rusty scissors then watched it burn till I couldn’t take the fumes any more. I had never known true rage and hate till my idiot WS got caught out. I would literally get spitting mad and it was like there was a red haze over my vision- it’s a DESTRUCTIVE state to be in for sure... and uncontrollable. I would lash out both verbally and physically. My WS would have to restrain me at times, because it got so bad... Triggers like the car in your case would undoubtedly have set me off near constantly... 

IMO it actually sounds like you and your WS are on the right path, and doing the right things. There’s no rushing this process- it will happen as it will. FWIW, you sound like you’re coping about as well as you could possibly expect. It takes time... but if you both keep working on it, it WILL improve. There are going to be set backs and SO OFTEN it’s one step forward, two steps back. The part that counts is where you keep taking steps forward anyway. There will gradually be more steps forward than back. But it takes a long long time.... and the road is full of pain and anger. 
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pea
I have to agree with hurting on this one. My husband sold his dream car that he got only a few months prior, a shiny new red porche 911 gts. He told me he took her for a short ride in it. No chance in hll I could have lived with that thing even near me or sat where she did. He ended up selling it because it hurt him that he couldn't share it with me and he was basically alone with it. He admitted it was his fault and he shouldn't have brought it to begin with. Yep.
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surviving
I know I wrote this before, but we got rid of everything attached to my husband's MANY affairs - decorations, gifts, couches and the car.  It was hard to live with those things knowing what they were used for or were given to us by the many "hers."  You say you can't afford a replacement.  You can always buy used.  The newer car is yours, he can have the used one.  We even got rid of his "project car" that he loved because SHE rode in it and loved it.  I hated that car just because it was a love of hers.  It isn't worth holding on to things that bring so many triggers.  
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Keepabuzz
surviving wrote:
I know I wrote this before, but we got rid of everything attached to my husband's MANY affairs - decorations, gifts, couches and the car.  It was hard to live with those things knowing what they were used for or were given to us by the many "hers."  You say you can't afford a replacement.  You can always buy used.  The newer car is yours, he can have the used one.  We even got rid of his "project car" that he loved because SHE rode in it and loved it.  I hated that car just because it was a love of hers.  It isn't worth holding on to things that bring so many triggers.  


I did the same, except her car. That will be gone soon too.  Everything else that “I” felt was tied to her affair, I took out to the garbage. I didn’t tell her, or ask her what she thought, I honestly didn’t care. At that time she was very lucky I wasn’t carrying her out to the curb!  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BeginAgain
Thank you for all the replies and advice. I have a wicked hangover today, so will read through everything when I'm a bit more together. It's unfortunately not practical to get rid of the car as we are both now technically unemployed. As soon as our business is up and running, it will be the first thing to go. Until then I will just have to deal with it.
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notemanj
I burned all of his underwear. Made him buy all new shorts. Cheap ones. Threw away T-shirt’s. 

I also experienced the red haze of anger. There are a few times, when I know I was not drunk enough to black out, that I actually experienced blackouts. IC says they were dissociative episodes. The worst one happened after I found out about him taking her to the exact same hotel we spent our wedding night at. We were arguing. The next thing I remember was “waking up” to punching and scratching him in the face. He had scratch marks that bled and two black eyes for a week. This is SO not me. I can’t watch boxing or random videos of people fighting without getting physically sick to my stomach. My father used to beat my mother. This was SO unacceptable to me, no matter what he had done. I felt like I was worth less than a cockroach. That next day I researched all day, realized I had PTSD, and set about finding the right IC for me.
Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 5/15/2018 and counting. 
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Dirazz
Unfortunately this whole thing has us doing and acting in ways we never thought we could. I know this is true for me. When I think back and things I said and did I don’t even know who that woman was. All out of terrible pain! 
I am grateful to time and actions that have healed that pain. 
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