Clare
I recently found out that my husband who I have been with for over 10 years has been having an online affair and went to see his ap a month ago. I confronted him about her and he says that they are only friends but I have seen the communications and know that he is lying to me. He is depressed and has said that I make him anxious and I am pressuring him to make descissions that he can not think about. So I went to a friends for a week and in that time he didn't contact me once. When I returned home he said that he wants us to separate and that he no longer loves me as a wife but only as a friend.
He is still in contact with the ap and they talk and message every day. He even said that he never wanted to get married and that he only did it cause I wanted it and everyone expected it. Yet I was never bothered I just wanted to be with him.

Since he has decided that we are separating he is rushing me to get things sorted out and I can not deal with it.

I can not deal with the crushing pain that I feel and he doesn't seem to care at all how I am feeling. I have had to go on anti depressants as I can not function at all and now he is treating me like a friend it hurts even more.

I asked him if he would consider trying again as all good relationships are built on friendship but he said no unless he sorts himself out and we separate and then maybe date. But knowing that his ap is still in constant contact with him makes me feel like he is not making this descission but it is her.

We were always so happy and I trusted him more than I even trusted myself and I feel so broken.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to deal with this as it is eating me up inside and I feel as though this is not him at all and that he has lost himself.

I miss the man I feel in love with. I just don't know if I move out quickly if I will be making a big mistake....please help
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Heidi
Hi Clare, I'm so sorry to hear of your pain, but please know you are not alone. Finding out the person we love and trust has betrayed us is like a bomb going off in our lives, every part of our world is affected.

You're so early in the process, and it sounds as though your husband is still in the fog of his affair. I know when I discovered my husbands affair he was behaving completely differently to the man I thought I knew. He was addicted to the feelings the affair created, and all he wanted was to get his next fix. You have absolutely no control over his choices and behaviours no matter how much you want to give him a second chance. Unless he ends the affair and has no contact with the other woman, I would be wary of even offering a second chance.

Your priority right now is you. In the early stage, my main aim was just to make it through the day. If you haven't found a therapist already, I'd really recommend it, my own therapist was a life saver.

You don't need to make any decisions on moving out right now. In the midst of the pain is not time to decide about where to live, how to divide things, how to divide money. You don't say if you have children, but they also add another layer of complication.

Do NOT let him rush you into anything, and please get legal advice before you make any moves. There are some good resources in the resource section here, and I especially suggest reading about the 180, as it seems you may need to work on thinking about yourself, and put his needs and demands out of your mind.

Please take care of yourself. Find a trusted friend to talk about things with. Do something nice for yourself. Try to eat, stay healthy and do what it takes to get through the day. Everything else, including life changing decisions, can wait.
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UrbanExplorer
I felt like your husband does when my affair was first revealed. It's obviously not fair to the BS, but I think it is sort of a normal psychological phenomenon for the WS during an affair that has an emotional component. I started to feel more like myself, so to speak, during therapy 4-6 months later and especially after I cut my AP out of my life.

You know he is likely in an infatuation that will fizzle out and allow him a more accurate picture of your marriage, but he has to come to see it. You might or might not choose to stay married to him, but I agree with the advice of the 180 and taking your time before deciding.
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Mia2003
Hi Claire, I am over a year into this. My h said the I don't love, suddenly started behaving weirdly. He left after 3 months, told our kids he was seeing someone else within 3 months the moved in with her 3 months later!! And he is still their.

Don't believe a word he says. I don't hope much for reconciliation now but I am trying not to take what he did personally. He's the one who has been a fool.

With regards to forcing you to leave...why can't he leave? This is his choice. Do not be bullied into things. You have a marriage and he has chosen to betray that.

I don't know what country you are in but if uk, contact cab, you can get a free 30 minute solicitor consultation. Gingerbread is an excellent parental support and advice. Be strong. He is on the wrong not you.
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