jlb5685
I found out in January that he had been having an affair for a few months and it ended the day I found out.  

Fast forward to today and we have gotten nowhere really.  We have good days but I honestly feel like I just bury it most of the time.  It's easier because I choose not to think about it alot but it's always there.  No matter what I try to do or how hard I try to just think differently about him now, I can't help that it infiltrates everything. 

And it's so FRUSTRATING because as understanding as he's been the one thing that absolutely sends me over the deep end is his comments that "I know I'm the one who messed this all up and I'm the one who introduced this problem but now it's up to you to change the way you look at us so we can move forward."  No matter how many times we go around and around about this, I feel like he can't understand that it's not as simple as okay today I choose to not think about the affair.

It comes up in my thoughts in almost every situation.  And now that it's nearing the same time of year that it began last year and he's following the same patterns at work with disappearing again.  He says he's super busy and can't always reply to me right away, which I do believe because his job has picked up tremendously this year.  But I just feel like he expects me to just wake up like ok today I'm not going to allow any triggers to get to me and i'm not going to start a fight etc etc. 

I hold alot of it in now because when I do decide to talk about it, we just end up fighting until we are both silent for days.

I'm just beyond sick of this at the moment because I'm still devastated and its still very raw for me.  And I feel like his point of view is well we are going to be miserable until you can move past this and it's NOT AS EASY AS THAT.
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Heidi
Hi JB, I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. Finding out our loved ones have betrayed us is like having our lives blown up in front of our eyes, it's devastating, painful and changes everything. From reading your words I'm wondering if your husband realises the extent to which he's hurt you, and how things cannot and should not ever be the same in your marriage.

A few things stand out from your post. You say he's 'understanding'. What does that mean? It sounds very passive. What he should be doing is working his butt off to find out why he engaged on the affair, to change himself so he never does anything again, and to do everything to win your trust back to make you feel safe.

He says its up to you to change the way you look at things. Yes, we do need to work through the pain that betrayal has caused, but this stuff takes years. It's actually up to him to do the really hard work (usually through individual counselling) to prove he will never again cause you this pain.

It sounds as though he's expecting you to do the work , when actually what you shoikd be doing is trying to work through your own pain. He destroyed your marriage, it's up to him to find out why and put everything he has into rebuilding it.

Does he seem truly remorseful to you? A truly remorseful spouse will do whatever it takes to support you through the pain, for however long it takes. They say on average it takes 2-5 years to recover, is he willing to work hard for the next 5 years? Is ready to answer all your questions no matter how many times you ask them? Is he ready to support you whenever you cry for days? Does he show you complete transparency whenever he goes out (sharing location / passwords for emails etc). Do you really believe he is doing the work?

I think you're ready to really start healing. Whether you remain in the marriage is dependent on whether he is truly remorseful and does the work. But either way you can work on your own pain, and I know you'll come out of it as a stronger person.
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jlb5685
Heidi thank you for your reply.  I was at my wit's end yesterday when we had a huge fight and I needed to talk to someone on here.  I didn't feel like explaining the whole long story, I just wanted to vent that I was frustrated.

But now that it's another day, I'll give some backstory.

We are high school sweethearts,  well even before that.  We've known each other since we were about 10.  We grew up in the same neighborhood and were together everyday.  We dated in middle school and early high school and then went our own way, both had separate relationships and I moved hours away from our hometown for over 12 years until about 3 years ago.  About 3 years ago, I moved back to my hometown for a short time and we coincidentally met each other again a few months later.  We still had INSANE chemistry and both have always had very deep feelings for each other so we decided to begin dating and it went from there.  He's always been the love of my life and I, his.  We have thrown around "soulmates" from time to time even.  The first year and a half was absolutely amazing.  We have had the time of our lives and have both been convinced we were made for each other.  There has been and I've truly believed, never could be another person to make me as happy as he has.

Last August we found out we were expecting.  It was a shock but we were both thrilled.  We found out we were having a boy in October and he was born this April.  Around November or so, I began to notice him being more distant.  My pregnancy was not the greatest.  I was sick as a dog throughout most of it and was extremely fatigued most of the day.  I still worked full time as well so most days when I came home, I went to bed much earlier than usual.  Looking back, I know I didn't give him very much attention at all but was still loving what little time we spent together.  I WAS PREGNANT.  So, I kind of had a reason to be in my own little world.  His reason for doing what he did was that he felt "alone" and felt like I was just not into him anymore.  He wanted attention from me and I didn't give it to him. Meanwhile, I had NO idea he was feeling this way.  Which has always pissed me off.  WHY wouldn't you come to me and talk to me about the way you were feeling????  He said because he had convinced himself that I wasn't happy with him.  I dont' know.  Anyway, he works for a drink distribution company that delivers drinks to businesses all over the place.  So he meets alot of people.  And apparently through whatever happened, exchanged numbers with a manager of a CVS that he delivered to frequently.  So they had been in contact every week and she supposedly asked for his number.  He said his relationship status was never asked and he never offered any detail about it and they proceeded to have a "relationship" until I caught him in January.  I had a horrible feeling something was wrong and it only grew stronger with time but I had no proof and only a feeling so I didn't want to fight with him over something that may have just been in my head.  So most of the time I kept it to myself.  But he was super possessive with his phone, I never saw it.  And I just felt like he was distant, which was not like him.  We spent most of the time we had extra together.  Whereas during this timeframe, I was going to bed early because of the pregnancy and he was staying up really late every night.  However, during this time, he was still very good to me other than the distance.  He never talked to me worse or treated me worse, etc.

We usually talked most of the day while at work about the day or whatever else and so in January, January 27th to be exact, I messaged him around 9 or so and he never answered me, like hours later hadn't said a word which wasn't like him.  I didn't think he was cheating, I was honestly worried about his safety because of the places I know he has to deliver to sometimes.  (HA - I was WORRIED about his safety. Such a joke)  And come lunchtime I started calling him.  He wouldn't answer his phone which was also unusual and I really began to get worried so I sent him a serious of messages asking him if he's ok and asking him to please respond to me right away.

About 2 o clock he finally responded.  Said yes he's ok, he just had some stuff come up at work and had been busy dealing with all that.  So later that night after he came home, that's when I began to feel something was really wrong.  Instead of sitting with me to eat dinner, he went and laid on the couch, on his phone again.  I watched him and he seemed like he was in another world.  He barely spoke to me and I asked him if something was wrong and he just kept saying he was tired.

So the next morning, he woke up and went to take a shower and for the first time in months, left his phone charging beside the bed.  I grabbed it and opened his text messages and saw that he had 4 or 5 from the night before saying "I wish I was still asleep on your chest."  "Goodnight baby, I love you." and her responses.  I was FLOORED. I read them I know like 10 times over before it finally hit me what was going on.

I got up, got dressed, left our bedroom and went upstairs and balled my eyes out.  I honestly never thought I had to worry about him doing something like that to me.  I honestly thought he was so different because of our history and love.  So there I was, 7 months pregnant, crying my eyes out because I was SO angry and hurt beyond all words. He got out of the shower and heard me crying and ran to me wanting to know what was wrong and that's when I confronted him about the messages.  He instantly shutdown and a remorseful look came over him and he just kept saying I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.  At that moment, I didnt' want any explanation.  I wasn't ready for all that.  I wanted to hurt him.  I wanted him to go away so I didn't have to see his face.  So I told him he had to go to work.  I couldn't look at him and I needed time to myself to figure out what I was going to do.  So he left, unwillingly, and went to work.  He called me immediately after he left and we talked all day but I was lost.  I was in a dreamworld for days after that, like a fog.  He called her that day and told her the truth and told her he would never speak to her again.  He had his boss transfer him to another district so he never had to deliver to her store again and he gave me every password and access to every single thing he has.  He has shown remorse.  He's cried for days in the beginning, had many breakdowns himself knowing it was his fault, he's pleaded with me not to leave him.  He went above and beyond those first 6 months to show me that he was truly remorseful and work on inner changes.

But it was never enough.  I left for a few days right after I found out but ended up staying with him because we were about to have a baby and I wanted our child to have a father in his life full time.  He deserved that.  But I really believe if I hadn't been pregnant I would've left him.  For good?  I'm not sure and there's no way to know.  But here we are 9 months later and it's still raw most days.  We have many good days now but I still have so many days that I wake up and hate him. Hate what he did.  Am bitter. Am angry and want nothing to do with him.  It hurts him and that's why I feel like he doesn't understand.  He feels like I'm hanging onto this affair to hold it over his head every day and not give him a chance to show me that he's changing.  I get that, but I just dont know how to make him understand that this is not something that will just disappear if I change my mindset.  It DOES NOT work that way.  I see her in every situation of my life, every single damn day.  It drives me insane some days.  I question everything he does, every little detail.  I question his intentions all the time.  I question his feelings for me all the time.  And I'm still so far from over this or ready to move past this.  Maybe I am stuck in a loop.  But I'm still heartbroken.  I want us to work, I know he does too.  I know he is extremely remorseful and ready and willing to do everything.  But really....as hard as this is to say, I dont' know if anything he does now will be enough to overcome this.  


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Heidi
Thank you for sharing your story. How awful you had to go through that at 7 months pregnant, no wonder you are still in so much pain. Having a baby is life changing, and to have it tainted by betrayal must be devastating.

I know it seems like forever, but in affair recovery 9 months is still early days. Yes, you're no longer in the whirlpool of pain that the first few months bring, but if it helps at all, I really didn't start to feel better until 13 or 14 months out.

Your husband needs to understand that it will take years to recover, and him rushing / becoming impatient with you isn't helping. You didn't ask for this, didn't want this but now you're trying to deal with it. You're not doing it as revenge but because you are in pain.

It's up to him to manage his own responses. He may need help for that - counselling, reading books, posting on sites like these will all give him an insight into how he can help you through the pain.

Finally, though the lack of attention can help you understand the background to his actions, it is not an excuse. What has he done to ensure that next time you can't give him the attention (and there will be times - you have a young family) he seeks healthy ways to deal with things?

Give yourself some space and time to heal. If you get to 2, 3 or even 5 years and you're still in this place then you will still have the option to leave. But either way you will need to work on healing.
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Keepabuzz
I agree, 9 months is still very early in the healing process. Like Heidi, I didn't start to feel better until 13-14 months out from D-day. But it's still there. I still trigger, I still question lots of things in my mind when I'm having a bad day. This terrible road is a very long one.

Healing yourself is key. It helped my mindset tremendously once I ran all the scenarios and realized I will be fine no matter what happens. If I stay with my wife, or she does this again, and I leave her. I will be fine. There is solice in that.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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