In response to your questions:
1. I can say that I do think my WS is depressed. He would never admit that, but I do think there is so part of him that is depressed and doesn't know how to handle that. He grew up in a family that did not show emotions, and as a man I can imagine that is a difficult thing to do. He has not made any attempt to get help, or find someone to talk to about all of this, other then friends who only know half of the truth.
2. He says he has not had contact with the AP since the day I found out about the affair. Do I believe him.....not sure? I know that he has an extra cell phone that he uses (says it is for work) but I don't believe that. I do not have access to that phone, nor do I even know the number. So the possibility of him still having contact with the AP is highly possible.
3. Any attempt at any kind of "relationship" at this point is minimal. I don't even know if we are friends. He doesn't initiate anything (phone, text, email) it is all me. I have told him that I don't hate him, I actually do still love him, but have since stopped telling him that. He doesn't seem to want to make any attempt at reconciliation, or make himself better for that matter. I feel that this is because he has told his family (which has A LOT of influence on his decision making) that he wants a divorce, and if he says he wants to reconcile they would not agree with or want that. They of course only know HIS side of what has happened between the two of us.
I have asked him to go to counseling with me and he says he would prefer to go on his own, but so far hasn't.
I know he has shame and guilt for everything he has done, but I can not help him with that if he is not willing to help himself.
I can't quite believe how similar your husband sounds to mine, the depression, lack of any communication with anyone to share problems or to find help. Says he not 'like that'. Family with not much emotional connection, and his Dad still doesn't know (93 and very confused anyway). His family know we are having problems but I'm not sure if all of them know why.
Before he left he even got a second phone which he used to contact her. I know this, because I managed to look at it one day.
He doesn't initiate anything usually either, unless it's to his advantage, it's normally me that has to let him know something. And like your WS, I know he's ashamed, and feeling awful, but I'm not sure if he feels worse about what he's done to us or if it's because she appears to have chosen her husband over him.
I say 'appears' because I can't be certain, I have no way of knowing if their affair has all gone underground or not. But to me, he has to be the one to say, I want and need you, I want to recommit, to come home. I've brought it up so many times now, but it was always the same response. 'I don't know what to do, I still feel the same about her'. When there is no communication over this I just assume he is still staying away because that is his choice, that is what he wants now, to be on his own and possibly still see her. It's difficult to think otherwise sometimes.
I'm not asking anymore, I've been getting along fine and will continue to do so. It's up to him if he wants to live the rest of his life, possibly on his own, sad and ashamed. I think part of his problem is that he can't forgive himself, and until he does, he can't move on. And how do I forgive someone who still can't do this for himself, it just feels like there is no effort there to at least put things behind us. Even if we cannot reconcile.
The thing he won't do is counselling, because of how he is with his intensely private way of dealing with everything.
It just seemed that his head was in the sand hiding from everything, and mine was being beaten against the wall daily in frustration. It was doing me no good, so I had to let it go and look after me.
Just reading this through made me think, I sound really down and depressed, but actually, I'm not, it's a reasonable day today..