SKM0619
I posted this on a different subject, but thought I might also post it here.......

I've been married to my husband for 10 years (sadly our 10th anniversary was the 19th of this month). My Dday was November 23, 2015. It was not something that was told to me but found out after much digging on my part (cell phone record, email). I had previously asked him on multiple occasions if he was having an affair and he denied it. We were in counseling as he had become distant, spending more time away from the home and not really showing much affection...which was unusual for him. He even denied the affair while we were in counseling.

He states that he only had sex with the AP once, but they continued an emotional affair for a total of 3 years which included texting, calling and emailing multiple times a day. The AP is also married and my understanding if that her spouse does not know about the affair. I spoke to her on the day I found out, and she of course denies it ever happened.

On dday I kicked my husband out of the house and he has been out since. We have had sporadic contact and there has been no effort on his part to try and reconcile. He says he has not spoken to or had any contact with the AP since dday. I made him call his parents to tell them because I knew he wouldn't. He didn't want to tell any of his friends for fear of being judged, and to this day there are multiple friends who are unaware of the situation.

Initially he wouldn't answer phone calls or texts which was very difficult. He later did the typical come around the house to help me do certain things in the beginning because he felt guilty, but that has since stopped. He used to help me out with our 2 dogs but that has also stopped. Now everything he does is for his benefit.

During this process he has mentioned several times he wanted a divorce but would never file papers. I do not want a divorce and have expressed that to him. There has been ALOT of rage, crying, screaming, name calling on my part. He has said sorry on numerous occasions but has not shown remorse or made any attempt to get the help he really needs to deal with his actions. I have been in counseling since finding out. I acknowledge that I could have made better choices in my marriage, and that likely contributed to him seeking out what he needed elsewhere. BUT....I do not take responsibility for his cheating at all!!! That was his choice.

About 6 weeks ago I told him I would be moving forward with the divorce, but he asked me to hold off on that so I did. I waited almost another month and still no initiation of contact on his part. I asked him again what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I asked him to please either try and make this work or please let me go so that I can move on. His exact words to me were "I'm willing to risk losing you" and for me that was enough to say he was done and didn't want to make any effort.

I have since met with the lawyer and have filed papers. This is an uncontested divorce as we do not have children. He has said he will not ask for any money (house, savings, 401K etc). It is a process different from a regular divorce in that I am doing most of the work. I have filed the papers at the courthouse and delivered to him a waiver which he has to sign and then return to me and then the final decree will be drafted and I will then have to get that to him for him to sign and then that will be filed. 

it has been 3 week since I took those first set of papers to him to sign and he has not signed them yet. This is very confusing to me as he has said he is "willing to risk losing me" and I took that to mean he wanted a divorce.

I am the one who initiates any form of contact. He does respond to texts or phone calls, but like I said he does not call or text me first. 

It has only been 6 months since dday and there has been no steps to work towards reconciliation. And, I feel that after only 6 months how do you really know you want a divorce. I told him I regretted filing and that I do not want the divorce and it was more of a reaction to him not reacting (which I know is immature) but feel I don't have any other choices. I can't want this marriage enough for both of us. He says that he hopes one day he can answer all my questions and give me the answers that I deserve. And, that he hopes one day we can be friends.

I am so lost and do not know what to do.  I think that by me continuing to make contact with him is not the wrong thing to do. I am considering not initiating any further contact with him at all, and if he miraculously does contact me I will not respond. I guess this is the "no contact" thing I have been reading about. I know this will be very hard to do but maybe it is for the best at this point.

I am a work in progress and am doing what I can to make myself better during this difficult time.

I need some advice [smile]

Thanks......
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comingclean
confused - i read your post.  This sucks - I am sorry to hear.  I was a WS so I can't imagine your pain.  But maybe can offer this:
1) I was personally very low when I had my affair.  I was very conflicted and needed help myself.  I don't know your situation, but could be that your WS is struggling w some form of depression himself.
2) I don't want to put this in your head (if not already there), but if I was in your position, I would want to verify that my WS was no longer seeing AP.  I am sorry, but in a lot of cases, you can't just take his word for it.  If that is the case, it is not the end of the world, but it just means you need to approach your recovery differently.
3) My BS said I had to date her again, I had to win my BS back.  I think this was incorrect thinking.  Initially, when you are a WS and coming out of the fog, and the guilt hits, you start thinking - holy crap, I am going to spend the rest of my life in this one-sided relationship always trying to fix what I have done.  My BS has since had the wisdom to tell me that we are in this together.  It's not that we are forgetting what I have done and the pain I have caused, but we are working through it together.  Maybe that is what your WH needs to hear to get started.
That said, it sounds like you have some time on your hands while your BS clears his head - try not to lose sight of those things you enjoy or have always wanted to do.  Focus on getting to a good place for yourself.
Take care
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UrbanExplorer
I agree with comingclean. Also, you could set a time on staying with the status quo, like let's cool down for 3 months and then revisit divorce vs. reconciliation.
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SKM0619
Thanks for the responses. This is the most pain I have ever felt in my life!!! I had no idea that a person could hurt this much. The emotional swings I have are very difficult to deal with at times, but I am dealing with them the best I know how.

In response to your questions:

1. I can say that I do think my WS is depressed. He would never admit that, but I do think there is so part of him that is depressed and doesn't know how to handle that. He grew up in a family that did not show emotions, and as a man I can imagine that is a difficult thing to do. He has not made any attempt to get help, or find someone to talk to about all of this, other then friends who only know half of the truth.

2. He says he has not had contact with the AP since the day I found out about the affair. Do I believe him.....not sure? I know that he has an extra cell phone that he uses (says it is for work) but I don't believe that. I do not have access to that phone, nor do I even know the number. So the possibility of him still having contact with the AP is highly possible.

3. Any attempt at any kind of "relationship" at this point is minimal. I don't even know if we are friends. He doesn't initiate anything (phone, text, email) it is all me. I have told him that I don't hate him, I actually do still love him, but have since stopped telling him that. He doesn't seem to want to make any attempt at reconciliation, or make himself better for that matter. I feel that this is because he has told his family (which has A LOT of influence on his decision making) that he wants a divorce, and if he says he wants to reconcile they would not agree with or want that. They of course only know HIS side of what has happened between the two of us.

I have asked him to go to counseling with me and he says he would prefer to go on his own, but so far hasn't.

I know he has shame and guilt for everything he has done, but I can not help him with that if he is not willing to help himself.
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Anna26
SKM0619 wrote:


In response to your questions:

1. I can say that I do think my WS is depressed. He would never admit that, but I do think there is so part of him that is depressed and doesn't know how to handle that. He grew up in a family that did not show emotions, and as a man I can imagine that is a difficult thing to do. He has not made any attempt to get help, or find someone to talk to about all of this, other then friends who only know half of the truth.

2. He says he has not had contact with the AP since the day I found out about the affair. Do I believe him.....not sure? I know that he has an extra cell phone that he uses (says it is for work) but I don't believe that. I do not have access to that phone, nor do I even know the number. So the possibility of him still having contact with the AP is highly possible.

3. Any attempt at any kind of "relationship" at this point is minimal. I don't even know if we are friends. He doesn't initiate anything (phone, text, email) it is all me. I have told him that I don't hate him, I actually do still love him, but have since stopped telling him that. He doesn't seem to want to make any attempt at reconciliation, or make himself better for that matter. I feel that this is because he has told his family (which has A LOT of influence on his decision making) that he wants a divorce, and if he says he wants to reconcile they would not agree with or want that. They of course only know HIS side of what has happened between the two of us.

I have asked him to go to counseling with me and he says he would prefer to go on his own, but so far hasn't.

I know he has shame and guilt for everything he has done, but I can not help him with that if he is not willing to help himself.



I can't quite believe how similar your husband sounds to mine, the depression, lack of any communication with anyone to share problems or to find help.  Says he not 'like that'.  Family with not much emotional connection, and his Dad still doesn't know (93 and very confused anyway).  His family know we are having problems but I'm not sure if all of them know why.
Before he left he even got a second phone which he used to contact her. I know this, because I managed to look at it one day.

He doesn't initiate anything usually either, unless it's to his advantage, it's normally me that has to let him know something.  And like your WS, I know he's ashamed, and feeling awful, but I'm not sure if he feels worse about what he's done to us or if it's because she appears to have chosen her husband over him.

I say 'appears' because I can't be certain, I have no way of knowing if their affair has all gone underground or not.  But to me,  he has to be the one to say, I want and need you, I want to recommit, to come home.  I've brought it up so many times now, but it was always the same response.  'I don't know what to do, I still feel the same about her'.  When there is no communication over this I just assume he is still staying away because that is his choice, that is what he wants now, to be on his own and possibly still see her.  It's difficult to think otherwise sometimes.

I'm not asking anymore, I've been getting along fine and will continue to do so.  It's up to him if he wants to live the rest of his life, possibly on his own, sad and ashamed.  I think part of his problem is that he can't forgive himself, and until he does, he can't move on. And how do I forgive someone who still can't do this for himself, it just feels like there is no effort there to at least put things behind us. Even if we cannot reconcile.

The thing he won't do is counselling, because of how he is with his intensely private way of dealing with everything.

It just seemed that his head was in the sand hiding from everything, and mine was being beaten against the wall daily in frustration.  It was doing me no good, so I had to let it go and look after me.

Just reading this through made me think, I sound really down and depressed, but actually, I'm not, it's a reasonable day today..[smile]
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blythespirit
My husband and I are in much the same place as well. He is not introspective by nature and grew up in an unaffectionate and emotionally closed household. His family doesn't encourage or even appear to respect the process of inner reflection and/or seeking help in a counseling context. I told him early on that I thought he needed individual counseling to help him sort out the obviously overwhelming and traumatic effect his having the affair was having in his own heart and mind. I kept waiting for him to do it and he wouldn't. He was too busy at work, dealing with aging parents, our children, and so on. All excuses but I told myself I wasn't going to try to force him to go and I wasn't going to make the appointment, etc.

Well, he was making zero progress on sorting out "what he wanted" and so I finally decided that if I had to drive him to the appointment, walk him in to the office, and sit him down in the chair facing the counselor, I was going to do it! Should he have taken the initiative himself, yes. But he wasn't doing it and it was painfully obvious that something had to be done. And I love him and I couldn't stand watching him suffer. I did ultimately force his hand on it and he made the appointment himself and started going. He was mad at me and didn't go in with a good attitude but he's doing it. And after the first appointment he thanked me and said that it was such a relief to finally have someone to talk to about everything.

Although he is still in contact with his AP and our future together is still largely uncertain, it wasn't until he started counseling that I believe the fog started to lift. It's still there but I see progress.
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SKM0619
It is eerie how our situations can mirror someone else's. It is helpful for me when I ready other BS stories and how things are or have played out. It makes me feel like I am not crazy after all [smile]

Nothing I say or do can make my H go to counseling, he has to WANT to do that. He says he does, but he has made no attempts at it thus far. He used to come up with excuses as to why he hadn't gone....
"I couldn't take time off", "they didn't have any available appts when I was off" "the therapist I want to see doesn't have any availability."

I have always said to him "if something is important enough to you, you will make time for it." He managed to make plenty of time to continue his 3 year affair. So I have a hard time accepting those excuses from him.

If I thought making the appt for him, driving him there and taking him into the room would help I would it. But, I do know that I can not want it enough for him.  Blythespirit I am glad that your decision to do that for your H is working out for your situation. I love my husband and I know he is hurting, and has shame and guilt, but he has to love himself too.

I don't initiate conversation with him like I used to. We do not have children so there really isn't anything for us to talk about that is pressing. If he needs or wants something then he usually makes contact, but that has not happened in a while.

I love my husband and want to give my marriage a chance, but for me it has to be all about me right now. For so long it was all about him.
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