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UrbanExplorer
I also think, personality-wise, that some people like to post dramatic things on social media for attention and sympathy, so you have to take it with a grain of salt.
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Billybob8687
you are right urban.  She keeps saying that I am looking for sympathy when people ask where my wife is and I tell them.  I told her she is embarrassed.  She says she is not.  Well then why is people knowing a big deal if  you are ok with what you did.  She listed a huge list of things I did wrong. Admitted that talking to another man and meeting him was wrong.  I said with it out there now lets try to fix this.  No response.  I just think that if she would let all the anger go we could make things work.  No matter what she says we had a good marriage.  I did make mistakes but they were not relationship ending ones.

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Valntine66

Billybob8687 wrote:
She has been texting me the last 2 days and I mean a lot.  Wanting to know about daughter's college and other things.  I told her do you want to come home and do this, I could use the help and you are always welcome.  I told her that I loved her and that I was standing for our marriage.  I told her that I pray for her everyday. 

I am the same as your WS, texting her, more for our financial situation.  I have texted her small notes such as “hope your day is good.”  Or “I know you are tired, praying for you.” Or simple statements.  The last one was yesterday, she said thank you but now that we are off vacation, I need my space.  I’m not sure if that means don’t text her at all except our financial responsibilities and church.

Billybob8687 wrote:
I told her that if she had just said, I'm not happy and I am thinking of leaving Things would have been different.  I would have been afraid of losing her and would have done whatever to fix things. But she never said a thing.  I believe this is rewriting our history.

For 30 years, our marriage has not been good.  2 times I have contacted divorce attorneys to discuss the idea of what it takes to file for a divorce.  Like Larry the Cable Guy said,
“What do you want for your anniversary?
“She said a ‘deevorce’.
“I did not plan on spending that much.”

I think that was also a deterrent for me to not file for a divorce.  But what was the main reason was she blasted me for even contacting an attorney.  When I told her what I did, she responded to me, “So, you want to throw away 29 years of marriage, give up, and destroy the Deaf church?”  So I dismissed the idea of a divorce.

Billybob8687 wrote:
I told her that I loved her and that I was standing for our marriage.  I told her that I pray for her everyday.

I wish she would want to come home and help me at least get the house ready for sale, but she says it hurts to much to be here in the house.  I wish she would be like you in that she would want to work on the marriage and that she loved me, but she does not.  So all I can do is pray for her, tell her that I love her and that I am here for her whenever she is ready.  Right now we have a house to get ready to sell, and one of our adult children and myself, along with our 17 year old son, is getting the house ready.  Her reason is that she works from 11am to 11 pm, which I get.  I too have to work but since I live here, I am doing the work.  Someone said on this forum somewhere, she asked her husband to take most of the responsibility of working the restoration and burden, in which he did, and it worked out.  So, I am doing the same thing so that it lessens the burden on her.  Plus, I created the mess, I need to do the work.

Val
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Valntine66
UrbanExplorer wrote:
I also think, personality-wise, that some people like to post dramatic things on social media for attention and sympathy, so you have to take it with a grain of salt.


Urban,
A pastor friend of mine from Bible college told me that i need to be careful with what i post on Social Media, even though it may be some truth to it, but why air out your dirty laundry for others to read.  And Facebook is not the place for healing.  Thats when he suggested a good affair healing website such as this.
Val
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Billybob8687
My wife just seems to text to be texting.  She wants to complain about things.  Ask if my daughter has done certain things.  If you were so concerned about her why did you leave?  She is so screwed up right now and she thinks she is fine.  My wife shows no interest in restoring our marriage but she loves.... loves to complain about what I did wrong that caused her to talk to another man.  
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Valntine66
I am sorry Billy that is how she feels.  i know that does not make it easy for you, nor your family, nor your goals.  I too, as the WH, went to another woman, compalained about my wife not giving me sex, not talking with me, not paying attention, not doing what i wanted her to do, complain, complain, complain.  look where it got me.  However, I do realize that what i did was wrong, although mine was due to the affair and losing my wife.

My heart and prayers go out for you, seriously, they do.
Val
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Billybob8687
lleckron wrote:
I am sorry Billy that is how she feels.  i know that does not make it easy for you, nor your family, nor your goals.  I too, as the WH, went to another woman, compalained about my wife not giving me sex, not talking with me, not paying attention, not doing what i wanted her to do, complain, complain, complain.  look where it got me.  However, I do realize that what i did was wrong, although mine was due to the affair and losing my wife.

My heart and prayers go out for you, seriously, they do.



So what made you come back to your wife.  I pray everyday that mine will come back. I have had people that don't know her tell me.  She is coming back.  I told a lady one night about it when I was working out of state.  She told me you probably want to get home to your wife and kids.  I said I don't have a wife.  She told me don't give up she is coming back.  To me that was a sign.  I might be wrong but I believe that she will be back.  The question is can I be still and let God work.
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Valntine66
Billybob8687 wrote:



So what made you come back to your wife.  I pray everyday that mine will come back. I have had people that don't know her tell me.  She is coming back.  I told a lady one night about it when I was working out of state.  She told me you probably want to get home to your wife and kids.  I said I don't have a wife.  She told me don't give up she is coming back.  To me that was a sign.  I might be wrong but I believe that she will be back.  The question is can I be still and let God work.


What made me go back to my wife?  I realized I did not want the life I lived for the 1.5 months with my AP.  I knew that we could have a different life because God can and will do a change in our hearts.  My faith has to be in Him, regardless of what others may say.  I have 98% of the people I know that say to me, leave her.  2% of the people that are praying for me, believe that God will bring us back together.  I would love to take the 2% and show the 98% that God did the work and the change in our hearts.  My adult kids that my wife lives with told me she wants to work on it, then later she would say not work on it.

Bottom line is I am putting my faith in God and learning to be sufficient with Him.
Val
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Marlin44
Can anyone help me its been almost 11 months now since D day and things are not a lot better some but not like I think it should be. My anger was so bad at first but it has gotten better with counseling on my own, she will not go. I am sure my anger did not help but you just can not help it and you have to let it out .Like I said it is much better now but I am still so hurt. Bring you back up to date she had an affair with a co worker for 3 years in his office and it was not good they were caught and it has been a big mess. I was totally blind sided never did I ever see this coming as we never had a problem. The problem is she just thinks we should push it under the rug and move on and it just does not work that way for the BS are anyone else. She has said she was sorry and that is about it. She has just started too come around a little and show a little affection but it is so little, no love,no remorse ,no intimacy in 10 mo's  and its like I am being punished for sometime I did not do are cause.
I was just wondering if another WS could tell her in plain English just what she has done to me and what she needs to do. I have given her all kinds of stuff to read and do but nothing has worked. I am sure the affair is over but when will she ever come around with the real remorse I need and do the work that needs to be done with a constant effort. She also still has the drinking problem I have to deal with ever single night of the year and this like the affair has been going on for years. Don't know how much more I can take but have no where to go. Just thought if she could here it from the real world.Thanks to all that can help,it is so darn hard to be with someone 27 years and they do this to you.Just so unfair and so painful.
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Marlin44
Guess no one could help but thanks anyway for those that looked.
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blythespirit
Hi Marlin - I'm the BS, not the WS, so I can't answer from that perspective. I just wanted to respond, however, and say that my dday was not too long after yours (it's been almost 10 months) and I'm still struggling with his lack of remorse, defensiveness, and anger towards me. I think he still feels the victim, with very little empathy towards me and he still believes that his actions and refusal to come home (we're separated) haven't been/aren't harmful to our children. It's the whole I'll be a better father to my children if I'm happy thing. The nature/extent of his contact with his AP is unknown to me but his continued anger/resentment/confusion indicates that he's still emotionally tied to and invested in her.

My only advice, and it's what I'm trying to do with my husband, is to stop trying to explain to her what she's done and what she needs to do. I think my husband, and likely your wife, know exactly what they've done but still aren't ready to face it. My husband shifts the focus constantly from the affair to all of the reasons I've made him so unhappy over the years. He refuses to acknowledge the affair as the reason we're separated. I imagine doing so protects him from really looking at who he is and what he's done. Your wife may be using the drinking to accomplish the same purpose.

If you've made it clear to her what needs to happen (i.e. what she needs to do), I would leave it at that and keep yourself removed emotionally from her until she starts to do it. I'm learning to let go of any and all attempts to control the outcome in our situation. Because I can't make him feel what he doesn't (remorse), no matter how logical/rational/right my position may be. And then the actions and behavior I need to see from him, and you from your wife, have to flow naturally from their acceptance of remorse and responsibility.

I'm guarding my heart but also leaving an open door for him to step back in if/when he reaches the point where it's safe for me to start investing in him again. He may never get there. It may be too hard for him. But I can't get him there and you can't get your wife there. Try to be calm and consistent and firm in your boundaries. Protect yourself but offer grace and compassion when she comes to you. It's an incredibly tall order and it seems impossibly hard at times. I just don't think there's any other choice but to walk away. And you don't sound like you want that. I don't either.
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UrbanExplorer
I'm not trying to ignore your request. I suspect that her drinking is related to the affair (drinking and affair might even serve the same purpose in avoiding dealing with something), so until she gets it under control, she might not be able to empathize.
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Marlin44
Thank you for your response,her drinking has been a problem for years but now I see why it got worse during the 3 year affair at work and now it is even gotten worse so maybe that is the reason for no remorse and the lack of effort she put in trying to help me. Thanks again and if you have anything else that you think would help I would love to here it.Hard times here and very painful as I am sure it is for everyone in this boat. 
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Marlin44
blythesprit,

Thanks you so much for your help and I guess you are correct maybe it's just time to move on and try to take care of myself. I guess it will be what it  will be and all I can do is hope she will one day wake up and see what she has done but how long do you wait. I have done all a man could do and yes I still love her even though she has hurt me so bad but she is not a bad person she just has a big problem and needs help but want reach out for it and I have tried and can't do anymore.
Thanks once again you are very kind to take the time and if you come up with anything else please send it.Good luck to you as well and I hope it all works out for you.
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