Brandi
Where do I even begin? Today is my daughters sixth birthday. I found out my husband had an affair 7 weeks ago. He didn't admit it. I found a credit card receipt for flowers and he lied and said they were sending inappropriate texts. I apologized for not being a good wife. (We had two babies in under two years and it's been rough) he said he wanted time to figure things out. A week later I found a note his ap wrote him about our daughters first day of school. He said she's crazy and that he only saw her in group settings and only twice. Then I found her naked pictures. He said he'd go to her house at lunch. I scoured all his emails/social media. Our middle kid was born in 2014 and while I was pregnant he was talking to a former hook up (from before we were together) asking her to tell him about single life so he could live vicariously. Most of his fb messages say something about his 'beautiful wife' then about how he is jealous of single people.
Now that he cheated he wants me. He says he loves me. That he will do anything to make us work. He has answered all my questions. He always has some great reason for everything. He told me that had I not found out he wouldn't have told me. I made him leave for a week or two. Now he's back home and he gets mad when I bring it up. It took us forever (7 weeks) to find counselors and we both start this upcoming week. We went back to pretending nothing happened. We act like a married couple. Or a dating couple. Our youngest is 5 months and I look at him and think that his daddy had an affair half his life. He says he wants to fight for us and I don't know why. It doesn't seem like he likes married life. I am a horrible communicator but I have gotten better. I mean what is the worst that happens - he gets mad at me? He can't hurt me more than he already has. So I can see why he would want validation from a whore while his wife is pregnant and dealing with a preemie and another kid. He has never had good boundaries and I don't trust that this won't happen again. I wasn't able to walk away without saying I gave it my all.
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johnbluedog69
brandi first off i am sorry for what has happened tp you.and second please realize that none of this is your fault he made the choices to do what he did.there is no excuse for it ever. again im sorry for your pain big loving hugs to you.
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TimT
Brandi wrote:
...Now that he cheated he wants me. He says he loves me. That he will do anything to make us work. He has answered all my questions. He always has some great reason for everything. He told me that had I not found out he wouldn't have told me. I made him leave for a week or two. Now he's back home and he gets mad when I bring it up. It took us forever (7 weeks) to find counselors and we both start this upcoming week. We went back to pretending nothing happened. We act like a married couple. Or a dating couple. Our youngest is 5 months and I look at him and think that his daddy had an affair half his life. He says he wants to fight for us and I don't know why. It doesn't seem like he likes married life...

Sounds like you're getting a lot of mixed messages. I don't know whether to contribute that to insincerity or to confusion, but it leaves you uncertain either way. Your trust will not be established on what he says to you right now, but on his steady commitment to honesty and reestablishing a safe place for you in your marriage. He won't be perfect at it (nobody ever is), but you should see the steady progress toward in these things. Good counseling will definitely help! I wish you well.
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Brandi
Thanks TimT for the answer. I totally needed that today. He is doing and saying all the right things. I just want the doubts to go away. We are focusing on our individual counseling first and then at some point seeing a life coach and then marriage counseling. We're like 90 minutes from you and I have toyed with the idea of driving to your office.
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TimT
Brandi wrote:
... We're like 90 minutes from you and I have toyed with the idea of driving to your office.

You'd be welcomed! I've got some couples that drive in every few weeks for extended sessions. If I can help, I'd be glad to do it.
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