VoodooChild
I'm so lost and angry. My DDay was November 27th 2015. I feel like my world ended that day. Not because my husband was my world but because everything I knew and based my life and decision making on was a lie. It's been unbearably painful. I stayed and allowed him to stay until last Thursday when I asked him to move out temporarily while I cleared my head. While I've always considered this an option, I tried to avoid it. I don't feel like he can handle the emotional intensity of the situation. Anytime I'm upset or angry, he becomes upset and angry, and rather than me being allowed to vent my feelings and frustrations and receive comfort and reassurance, I get to hear about his anger and pain. His anger is intense (although never violent or abusive in any way). While up until the affair I had been the stronger of the two emotionally, since the affair, I feel broken and don't have the strength to give. I don't think he has it to give either. Realistically speaking, he never did. I've had to be the voice of reason and sensibility, putting myself on the back burned to hold his hand throughout the nearly 4 year marriage. Of coarse, one full year was spent with another woman making our time together seem even less insignificant. I have some days that I do ok, and I feel somewhat stable, but others I'm angry and every word spoken between them and every action between them races through my mind. Since the affair, I've been given full access to his email, Facebook and cell phone. During these obsessive days I pour through things looking for something that I may have missed. At times I've found left over pictures on her on his Facebook page, old messages from Facebook, saved "memes" directed towards her (they related to the love between Johnny and June...), and as recent as yesterday, I saw that he had searched her name is a trashy gossip site called topix. We live in a small town and both he and his parents have always been very focused on what others think. He says that he heard there was something on the page about her and wanted to see what people were saying about him. For me it was just a HUGE trigger. I had just asked him to move back in as we'd had a few days of reconnecting. He can't see why it's such a big dea to me and thinks I need to "cut him some slack." I feel like I've given enough sack allowing him to stay and not divorcing him! To me it just seems al too familiar of the double life he kept. Thinking and doing things that I know nothing about. In the argument, I get to say the least of coarse, he says things like, "I don't think this is ever going to be a good thing, maybe we just need to think about (divorce) now rather than putting it off, etc.". Extremely negative. I find myself wondering WHY I'm doing this. Why bother? He had no trouble sneaking off to be with another woman for a full year and telling her many horrible things about me being bad to his children from his previous marriage (who do you think was taking care of those children while he was spending all of his time with her), he didn't feel like a man at home, and blah, blah, blah, but now I'm supposed to continue to hold his hand through this process, make things easier for him. Each time I've found something, although it's never recent and I believe that the affair has ended, he can't see why it's a big deal that he has it because "he" isn't worried about her. Who cares that she is the catalyst to the demise of my world! What I see is self obsession and an inability to give me what I need. I refuse to have my needs ignored as they were before the affair. For the first time, I'm very seriously considering divorce. WHY should I stay? There is nothing left that is sacred to us. He gave her everything. He denies that the affair was emotional despite endless text messages (sent to me by the AP) in which he professes his love for her. He claims that she threatened to come tell me about the affair and he did whatever necessary to make her happy. To me, that sounds like he's still not taking full responsibility for the affair. It sounds like he's still more worried about saving himself than being honest. We have one child together. We have three other children from previous relationships/marriage who would be hurt in the divorce. He says that he realizes that he has "half assed" everything but work (which is true) and he want to be a family man. But why now? What's left to salvage? If I'm so horrible, why stay with me? He keeps saying things about me getting on board with moving forwards with him and stop focusing on the affair. He denies that he feels like I should be "over it" by now, but it seems like he has no patience for my process of accepting the new reality and finding reason to move on. For anyone who reads this, what are your reasons for staying? Why is it worth all this pain and continued devastation? Am I overreacting to finding things that are old but he still has? How do you stop obsessing?! I still have every text message that his AP sent me saved on my computer. I have the recorded phone conversation of the night I learned of the affair when she admitted that it was sexual (he tried to deny this). Is there a reason for me to hold on to them or am I torturing myself for nothing? I'm afraid that without them I'll slip into denial of the whole ordeal because it's much easier. I long for the security that I thought I had in our marriage, and I hate him for everything that has happened in the last year. I hate him for taking it all away from me.
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SmallPaws44
Cheryl,

I'm so sorry things are so tough for you right now. First, take a few deep breaths. 

Have you considered or tried marriage counselling? We found it was a safe space to explore all of the feelings surrounding the affair and it helped my husband to actually hear me and to acknowledge where I was at. To me, it sounds like your husband is still in the fog of the affair. Until he is free of that, he won't see you or hear what you have to say. He won't be able to remember the good person that you are. This isn't about you, it is about him. Remember that. It is about him and he is still in the self-centred frame of mind.

Ultimately, you have to decide what is best for you and the children and it may be that isn't this marriage. You have to look after yourself. It is hard and painful, I know. But if he isn't willing to take a good long look at himself and really commit to sorting out himself within the marriage, you can't do it for him.

I hope he wakes up and takes stock of where he is at and the pain he is inflicting, not only on you but on others. Until then, look after yourself. Take care of yourself. You, not him, needs to be your first priority. Lots of hugs coming your way.
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Graceandhope
I think you're still pretty fresh in the process. Since you don't know what you will want to do I would probably keep the texts but can you save them somewhere ( on a stick) where you have them but won't be tempted to torment yourself?

I remember reading early on that it takes about 18 months to "recover " and thinking there's no way in hell I can do this for that long. Looking back I can also see,now, that he had some processing and healing to do. Honestly we talked, he went out of town for a bit which actually helped, we argued, I completely shut him out, I packed a bag, told him twice to leave, and that was all within the first four months. It was a roller coaster ride. The interesting thing for me , now, is to look back to one see where we've been and that at that time, I did not see him at all. I hardly saw past my hurt and anger.

Give yourself time to work thru the hurt and anger. You're grieving the loss of what you thought your marriage is, was and would be, the man you married and your spot in all of it. We all need to get thru that to be able to accept and reconcile the actions with the person and the relationship.

We're out about a year now. Mostly we're in a good place. Working on individual issues and communication. There can still be some rough days. But we're talking and he's acknowledging when he's being insensitive and I can see when I may be irrational. I still say It because it's how I feel
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Heartbroken2015

Hi Cheryl, I wish I could give you some type of advice, hope or peace of mind but I am in exactly the same place.  When I found their messages on his FB I sent them to me copied in an email.  I read it over and over and over…I don't know if I was looking for some sort of answer.  He too told her the world and made me sound so awful, of which he said were lies just to keep her.  But I think I was looking for something that showed he did care about me or a slip to her that he loved me.   I had to finally file it away and some crazy moments I find it and re-read (so can't tell you won't even if filed away but it definitely helps not having it right there in my face).  I am in the same place as you, I don't know why I should save our marriage if he gave it away so easy for her. Is it worth saving?  I don't have an answer for you, but just writing it out and having great people like those who already replied for support does help!!  

I don't want to be untrusting in a marriage, I don't want to feel I have to check his emails (he too has offered his passwords).  This is not the person I was - Jealous & Controlling [frown]  I don't want this to change me.

Graceandhope - do you find sometimes you go back to that dark place of wanting to check up on him?  When does that feeling end and you trust again?  What did he do to help?  Full disclosure of the affair? My husband remembers most of the affair but the night they were together?? which I find odd?  he said it was only once over a 4mth period but he has no idea…I'm not trusting as I think he has something to hide about the night?  Was it over our anniversary or my birthday? when I took our son to my parents for mothers day weekend?  I feel he is hiding something by "not remembering"

Smallpaws44 is right too Cheryl, he may be in a fog.  My husband kept saying he wasn't a cheater.  It wasn't who he was.  i kept saying he was a cheater cause he cheated…he couldn't see it. Until today!  He said yeah I am that guy - finally.  He thought he wasn't that guy who cheats on his wife but he cheated on his wife - so he is that guy!  We just kept talking …keep talking!  I figure if he wants our marriage to work he will talk & listen if not, he doesn't want it and I deserve better!

Bless you all and I hope we can all find happiness! Hugs!

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VoodooChild
It's comforting to hear that someone else feels the same as I do. Although, nothing is really of any comfort. I don't look at the texts everyday but often enough. I can relate to what you said about liking for something in them that indicated some standing loyalty or love for you, because in all of my questions, that's what I've been looking for. Something untainted by the affair. You see, my husbands affair lasted for 1 year, both emotional and sexual. I can find nothing that remains special to us. I hate and love him at the same time. If I was so terrible then, why would he want to continue to be with me now? Why? If he didn't love me then, and he didn't. He hasn't admitted it but the text messages say the truth.
Like your husband, my husband was not someone who either of us would have seen having a relationship outside of marriage. He was strongly against cheating because he had been cheated by his ex wife. I was never jealous! I felt that it was disrespectful to get into his phone or emails. I trusted him wholeheartedly and blindly. Now I can see that this was a mistake. I continued to operate on principal even when he was very protective of his phone, never letting it leave his hands. Now I feel like a fool for being so trusting. I question how things could have been different if I'd only given him less freedom. My husband had just wrongfully lost a 15 year career, which was a HUGE part of his identity. As he drifted away from me over the next 1 1/2 years, I thought it was the trauma of the lost career, never dreamed it was another woman or that, while I stood by him, supported him and cared for our children, he had stopped loving me.

What reasons do each of you find to stay in the marriage after something as life shattering as a log term, emotional and physical affair?
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TimT
Have you had a chance to watch the Esther Perel video?
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VoodooChild
No, but I plan to!
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minnie16
Sorry but I hated Esther Perel video!
D day June, 2016
ws affair: 18 months sexual affair plus 2 years emotional affair after. Ow 20 yrs old; WS 60
live in Texas
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