Brandi
I had an individual appt with our mc last night. I had been asking for one for weeks but with the holidays it just didnt happen. So, I have asked my ws for 4 things to make me feel safe after finding out about his affair. I asked that he tell me of all communication with other women including close female friends. I asked that i be considered in all his decisions; that he stop looking at porn and that he cut down on the drinking. (i actually said stop the mc said to count the drinks to 2 per day) He has done none of those things. So I was telling the mc because I dont know what to do. And he flips the script on me so it becomes my fault he drinks/looks at porn etc and I feel like maybe he's right. So our mc told me that no I am right and he has numbing behaviors but that my choices are now between bad and worse. Bad being I stay (i'm a stay at home mom to 3 kids the oldest is 6 the youngest is 8 months) and deal with trying to get myself set financially. Or I leave now. She said sure he can change but he may be unwilling and that he doesnt have access to his feelings.
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Guiltguilt
Whatever choice you make doesn't have to be permanent. You can revisit it later on.
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Kalmarjan
I know that you're scared. It may be easier to stick with what you know, even if it's not the right thing for you, because it's predictable.

The problem comes when it's at the expense of your mental health. Your WS has given no indication of change, yet wants to forget it, sweep it aside. It's almost like he expects that all is solved. Because he says it's so.

You've laid out some concrete actions he can take, and I suppose you have attached a consequence to inaction. Now it's time to apply the consequences.

I'm sorry to say, but as a man, your husband does not respect you, nor your marriage. He expects to get a free pass to do what he likes, and will continue to do so unless you speak up and say it's not acceptable to you.

In the end you are talking about a shift in your living arrangements and financial arrangements over the short term. Staying ensures that you may be financially set, sure. Until he decides that he's met the "next one" and takes off and does this all again. Then where would that leave you?

I bet, with all I've learned, that he is banking on your inaction. Banking on your fear of moving forward. He hasn't shown any remorse or done the things to make you feel safe. You've EVEN given him a road map to get out of this mess, but he won't do it.

That's because there's no consequence to him.

What ever decision you make doesn't have to be permanent, but it should be for YOU. Because your well being matters here. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You didn't choose any of this.

And you have the final say. It's HIM who should be working on this, praying for you to forgive. Not the other way around. In short, he's an assh*le that needs his bluff called. He's only hold 7-2 off suit, and he's gone all in. Call this bluff.

Sorry, my NSHO
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Brandi
Kal you hit the nail on the head. I say those words on a daily basis. And its not only with me that he has no consequences- its with everyone. He does just enough to make you THINK you are either crazy or that he is doing work. He told me he has changed because he no longer goes out. I said "no you are acting how a man that is married with three young children is supposed to act' Shouldnt men want to come home and spend time with their families? On the advice of our MC I am as of last week supposed to be sweeping it under the rug. I am to back off entirely and let it be. When we go in for our next appt she is taking him back and talking to him for a little bit and will tell him he needs some help. Then I will join and we will lay it on the line for him. And if he doesnt realize it then, there is nothing more I am willing to do. I wanted to be able to say I tried before walking away. And I have. I have given all I have, all I am to a man who threw it in my face time after time after time-then cheated on me and lied to me. I deserve better than that. My kids deserve to see me treated better than that and to be treated better than that also. So we shall see what the month brings.
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Kalmarjan
I don't claim to be smart. Okay, yes I do, but not in this. I had an affair, which is the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Now, even I know that faced with this, what you are talking about, would cut through any bullsh+t with me in 2 seconds flat. If your husband is in any form in this still with you, he should know right there that this is it. It can't be any more simpler.

Good luck. I hope it goes the way you want. But, I think it will go the way it's supposed to.
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Brandi
I dont (and never have) given him consequences. It was always just 'when you do this I feel this so please stop' and he would for a while and then go right back to doing what he wants. He's like a defiant child. A grown man that reasons like a damn toddler. We go next week for our next MC session where the marriage counselor is going to put it all on the line for him. His drinking problem, porn addiction, inablity to feel anything, inability to care about my pain and help me heal. It all comes to a head next week. I was so scared of being with him-now I'm just done. I dont think he will change and I dont know if I even care if he does. Being in limbo with this is exhausting and I just want to be on one path or the other.
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kaleidoscope7
Brandi, is your MC affiliated with any addiction recovery group? There should be one in your area and they should treat sex/porn addiction. It sounds like your WS has alcohol addiction also. These would ideally all be treated concurrently. I would move from seeing an MC to seeing a CSAT who can give your WS assessments for sex addiction. The switch of therapy focus and the prospect of being assessed may drive home to him that this issue is not going to be overlooked anymore.

He may respond badly at first and he may not want to participate at all. But this level up would allow you both to address the issue more specifically. What's going on between you is specific and it's deep.

I'm not keen on your being advised to sweep it under the rug. I'm not sure what to say about that, but it doesn't sound like good support to me. :/
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Brandi
I was told to sweep it under the rug until the next appt just so he could relax. At the next appt she is giving us the name of an addiction counselor for him to see. He's good at putting up a false front and our Mc sends lots of men with addictions to him because he cuts through their crap.
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