Stashh Show full post »
CrippledLamb
You sir, are a bigger man than I am. I see myself generally as a man who keeps his composure, but I really don't think I would be able to keep mine in talking with an affair participant who acknowledges wrongdoing somewhat, but who is afraid to acknowledge it to the one person to whom he should be talking.  I applaud you.
Just from experience, I imagine you hoped the conversation would have ended with a feeling of the weight lifted off of your chest, but only leaves a some more anger at the AP's behavior.  One thing that I hope comforts you is that as long as YOUR marriage separated from the affair fantasy, you're in a much safer place.  Eventually, his guilt will come around and wear on him. It's just sad to know that you've done all you can do to help the AP and those he is hurting.
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Stashh
CrippledLamb
Did not expect weight to be lifted so no real let down in that respect. Yes I think he is making an error. To me the most painful part of the whole matter has not been the infidelity as such nor even the knowledge of the 2 year affair constituting so many necessary lies to remain secret or the unpleasantness such as knowing there were phone calls to me just before they had sex (the way I discovered the affair...phone redial was accidentally triggered when putting phone down after a call to me). The real hurt has been from post D Day lies and trickle truth etc: in essence the "after discovery" betrayal of trust as to honesty, especially when I then knew what had been happening and there was no need to keep the affair secret any longer, rather than the affair sex/emotional sharing as such. The hurt of the physical/emotional betrayal the resulting from an ongoing affair is hard for sure (when the affair is discovered, however, all BS know deep down that inevitably the secrecy of an affair has to involve lies and deceit and most of us subsequently realise we had a part to play in our spouse's unhappiness even though we know we have no responsibility for the choice that was made to embark on an affair) but to me what has proved so much worse to understand and to accept has been that the lies and the deceit continued when there was "no need" for them, other than trying to cover tracks/protect AP and his family etc. In my view, if you want to try to live with your BS post an affair coming to light, the best policy is to face up to what you have done, be completely honest, ask for forgiveness, answer whatever questions are asked of you, try and continue to try to make amends and take whatever ensues on the chin and, if your spouse/partner is willing, try slowly, gently and with constant love and affection, to rebuild the relationship. The loss of honesty and his failure to be honest is something I think maybe AP will realise in due course. As I explained to him, things have a (nasty) habit of becoming known/being uncovered, sometimes years later: indeed I discovered my wife's additional one night stand nearly 10 years after the event. A BS who subsequently finds out what has happened after an affair has ended will inevitably feel far worse as a result of knowing that their WS had the chance to disclose but cowardly shirked the responsibility maybe for several months or even years. Each day of an ongoing marriage during an affair is a sham but, in my view, it is much, much worse when there is no need to keep up the sham but you still cannot be open and honest and you try to continue to live a life of ongoing lies when there is every possibility your spouse/partner might at some stage discover what happened, who you truly are as a person and how little regard you have for them.
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Stashh
CrippledLamb
I think I have been hugely aided by WS finally realising her affair error, her post DDay errors and now doing what I think all affair participants should do: face reality and be honest with me and with herself. In my view, if someone wants to leave a marriage/relationship, do it but do it with dignity and be courteous to your spouse/partner and leave them their dignity. If someone wants to stay in the marriage/relationship and has made a monumental error in having an affair etc, acknowledge that error as soon as possible and do whatever can be done to try to retrieve whatever can be retrieved. For my WW, thankfully, the affair fantasy is well and truly over. In many respects, I am very fortunate. Composure point........in truth after first few minutes it wasn't so bad. Given I cannot turn back the clock, and I had to keep saying that to myself, I know where and who I would rather be at this point in time. My wife and I may end up divorced rather than together long term but at least there is now an honesty between us as to what happened and why and that has made things significantly better between us. As I said to the AP things do have a (nasty) habit of becoming known......ignoring any (less than tasteful) volte face from me as to retaining complete anonymity/secrecy, another potentially obvious example is that citations in UK divorce proceedings are public documents, his name/address could thereby be disclosed by me.....who knows what the future holds. I wish you well.
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