TimT Show full post »
Hope4Healing
The great thing is that we can agree to disagree on things, and this is one of those moments.  It has been my experience that rebuilding trust is the journey, but forgiveness is one of the necessary tools used to make that journey successfully.  

I am posting a longer post about this subject later today that goes a little deeper into forgiveness and trust.  I would like you to read it and give me your thoughts.  It's always interesting and informative to get different perspectives on things.  Can never know too much.
Hope4Healing
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surviving
Yes, forgiveness is given, trust is earned.  Forgiveness means not holding a grudge for the sin done against you.  However, if you have forgiven your WS, that doesn't mean you trust them.  My husband used to say that forgiveness means not bringing it up again.  He doesn't think that anymore.  If I forgive him, I still have the opportunity to bring it up and ask more questions, or just have a discussion on how he is doing since DDay (21 months ago).  As Christians, we are to forgive as Christ has forgiven us.  The forgiving is actually for your betterment, not the WS.  That is hard to swallow right now.  I guess I have more work to do to get to that point.  When someone cheats on you for 35 years, it is hard to forgive, maybe some day.
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surviving
Another point, the WS can not EXPECT forgiveness.  They can admit what they did wrong and ask for forgiveness, but that doesn't mean they will be getting it any time soon. 
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Stashh
Forgiveness/trust and what is/should/can be "earned/freely given" etc is comment derived (I think) from my earlier post....the point I was trying to make (perhaps doing so rather inelegantly and perhaps using lax wording) was that, from a personal perspective, I believe that whilst true forgiveness is something that will be "freely given" by the forgiver and cannot in anyway be conditional, since forgiveness is something for a BS to give or not to give, not all BSs might feel troubled by not forgiving especially where the WS simply expects forgiveness and/or does not show insufficient genuine remorse/sorrow/repentance etc etc. I certainly could imagine not forgiving someone for something (including my WS for her EA) and that lack of forgiveness not subsequently troubling me at all if I felt that there had been insufficiency of genuine remorse/sorrow/repentance etc etc for whatever had been done to lead me to feel concern as to whether I needed to consider forgiveness: I meant "earned" in that sense and being something decided individually and subjectively. Different people will have different views and I accept that others may, of course, consider somebody I do not feel has "earned" my subjective forgiveness may nevertheless to be objectively "deserving" of forgiveness. I entirely agree trust is something distinct and different. It is not something that can be given (it is, to me, a feeling that one has or that one develops) and is a completely separate issue from forgiveness and, once trust is lost, it may or may not be possible to reinstate it whatever might be done by the WS to seek to "earn" it and regardless of any forgiveness by the BS.
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