mshipp003
Hi
I'm 7 weeks out from finding out. My partner has been having an affair for 8 months with a co-worker of ours. I found out after discovering some txts on his iPad, that were very sexually explicit. I'm currently on maternity leave, and the affair started when I was 7 months pregnant. The OW is refusing to leave work and I'm due back in May.
I know that if she's working there I can't rtn, I can panic attacks and flash backs just driving past the office. My partner is looking for another job. If I don't go back we will lose the house. I feel pressure to make a decision asap, so we can put the house on the market if need be and avoid defaulting on our loan. I could ask for a compassionate transfer but will most likely still come into contact with her and I will have to notify our joint boss of the affair.
I have so many decisions to make, I'm also breast feeding the shock and stress has dried up most of milk and I think I may need to start an antidepressant but don't want another thing robbed from me. I don't know if I should tell her spouse or not. I'm still undecided on if I want to stay or not. His attending individual counselling and I will be too.
He says he never slept with her just everything else. The txts were horrifically graphic and I find it hard to believe they haven't. He erased them all deleted all the emails so I could not read them. He says IT have restored the emails now, but said his therapist did not think it was a good idea for me to read them, any thoughts.
He also said in several txts that he loved her deeply and now claims he feeling nothing for her. I can't make sense of how he could b I love with someone for eight months and then when I discover the affair his suddenly not in love anymore and is all over me wanting to repair things. It makes no sense. I just wish he'd b honest.
He is also all over me physically. I'm hAving a hard time with it, every time he touches me or says his loves me I think of what he said to her and get flashes of what they did togeather. Then he gets angry and sulky, threatens to call off his Christmas holidays.
He has done everything right since I found out about the affair, I just can't make sense of it, I'm so heart broken and my self esteem non existent, it want great to start with as I've just had a baby and have a 2 year old. I feel like he has robbed me of my memories with my babies. Everytime I think of Finn and a certain age there's an affair event to go with it. For example when he was one month old they had there first kiss.
He has basically ignored he kids through all of this and now his all over them. I feel like me and the OW have just swapped places, he makes her out to the villi an now. I dont understand how his feelings could change overnight.
Help...
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newmom
Hi,
I feel for you. I found out my husband was cheating on me with his coworker while I was on maternity leave. my milk supply also dried up and the day after DdAY I had to supplement with formula. I also feel the same way that now this very precious time in our lives as new parents and our daughter's are now scarred with the awful memories of what he was doing when she was 2 months, 3 months, and 4 months old. like I can no longer speak about or remember this period of time in her life as positive, and it feels horrible.

we are 3 months past dday. I went back to work 1 month later and I think it helped by being distracted. I couldn't imagine if I worked in the same place as her. ...I think if I ever see the OW, I will claw her eyes out. it is torture knowing that he continues to work along side her (they are coteachers) and it will not change until the end of the school year. a large part of me doesn't care if he has to hurt his career by telling his principal of the affair to switch classrooms immediately, but after many discussions, he has convinced me that it does more harm to his career and us than good.

I think you need to find a way to ensure the OW is out of your's and his life. the constant reminder of the affair will be there otherwise. it may take time (like my situation, which is June), but you should find a path. it of course does not feel fair that you and your husband need to change your careers when she should be the one to leave. that is one reason I struggle with telling the OW's husband, because maybe he would force her to change jobs, but I haven't told him. ..from what I read, it may backfire and not have the satisfaction or effect that you want.

it is so hard. I find a lot of solace in focusing my energy and happiness in my daughter. our marriage is #2. it took awhile for me to believe I wanted to work on our marriage, in many ways because I think I owe it to our family. so we will see. we are in MC and I think it's helping.

similar to you, I don't understand or believe his emotions/love for her just turned off because they were caught. I don't think it's that simple and he is saying what he wants me, and maybe himself, to believe. this is something we talk about lot about in MC.

so, I don't have much advice, but I offer empathy from someone going thru something similar...
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mshipp003
Thankyou so much for your reply, it is comforting to know someone in a similar situation. The OW has two kids of her and a husband. As a women I don't know how you do that to someone who's pregnant and just given birth, you know how vulnerable you feel at that time. My body image was shot after having bubs and this has made it even worse.
My mother knew the other women's mother in law and told her. Thank god that was taken out of my hands. It thought he should know, but was so angry and vengeful I just couldn't tell him and live with my self...
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TimT
mshipp003 wrote:
...I don't understand how his feelings could change overnight. Help...

You're justified in being hesitant about what to accept/believe. There is one thing that will help bring clarity to what is really going on: time. If there has been a strong emotional connection in an affair, it usually cannot be instantly shut off. So, I would think one of two things is going on:
  1. Something in his experience brought him to a quicker-than-normal realization of what he had done and he was genuinely repentant of it. That does happen, but it's rare. The problem is that momentary regret can look a lot like long-term repentance. The difference between them will be demonstrated as time goes on. Watch and wait and offer him any grace you are willing to give while you determine whether you will risk starting to trust him again.
  2. In his panic over being caught and fear of losing his family/marriage (and whatever other consequences there might be), he made some immediate shifts. But a fear-based decision is not one that will lead toward intimacy and trust. If this was the reason, then his emotional connection the the OW will likely eventually show itself again. If this is the reason, he will likely become angry with you if he believes you are not taking responsibility for fixing things or simply moving past the affair.
I hope number 1 is true!
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