Benny
9 months ago my wife came clean about her emotional affair she had been haveing for 4 yrs. It was never physical only texting/sexting & email. Before I found out we sexted quite a bit. It was usually a great leaded up to a fun night. It was like all day foreplay. Since ending the affair she will no longer do that with me. It feels like the other man stole something from me. I’m having trouble understanding why she can do that with him but not me. I’ve told my wife how I feel and she said she can’t do it because it reminds her of him. I understand that it might be a trigger for her. She says she will do it with me if it makes me happy but I don’t want that if it doesn’t make her happy also. Is there a way to over come this.?
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BorealJ
Sounds like she is still grieving the loss of him, but is intentionally trying to put him in the past.  If she is alerting you to triggers that will put him back in her mind, I'd respect that and not force the issue.  You'd be inviting him back into your marriage.  As you recover, you'll be able to work together to reclaim some of the lost elements of your marriage.  Try connecting in person instead.  Make time to connect and be present rather than multitasking.  To me there's nothing sexy about my wife texting me while looking at budget sheets at work.  I want her to be fully present with me when she's with me.  You can be upset over the past things that you're not able to do right now, but I'd say you should get excited about new explorations. 
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Sorry
I know that post affair doing things with my husband when thoughts of the AP popped into my head made me very uncomfortable, especially since they were unwanted. 

It felt like a further betrayal and made me feel dirty, especially when they were linked to sex. 

Over time I had fewer intrusive thoughts and years later I find that my sex life no longer has anything to do with my ex AP.
But it took about a year to get there.

My advice is to perhaps not push the issue. After an affair some women don't want to have sex at all, because It is a shameful reminder of how they want astray. Your wife only had an EA so for her the sexting is the shameful reminder. Try something else. Over time the memories and mental connections will become exclusively yours again and she might initiate it again. I still don't sext my husband like I used to. I guess I mental link It with vermin behaviour. But I think our sex life as a whole is better now than It was before.

Other approach is to try it again. Sometimes although we start something for the wrong reason (because you want her to) as you do it she might discover that it become spontaneous and your fears of how the AP may steal the moment dont even materialise. She is more fearful perhaps that she will have reminders, if you are prepared to bulldoze through those you might actually take years off the healing process. Who knows?
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stillme
Are you sure the affair was never physical? Did she provide proof that the affair wasn't physical or only her word? 
Are you sure the affair has stopped?

Is her solution that she wants a muted relationship with you so that she will not pine for her affair partner? Is she okay with this agreement or is she trying to work through her issues? Basically, has she said they she is going to permanently change your sexual relationship or is she in counseling now trying to become a better person?
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AnywhereButHere
My emotional-affair WS kind of did the opposite. Two significant aspects of her EA involve the fact that both I and her AP are musicians - but he is much more accomplished and advanced than I. Another aspect involved his having a foot fetish that my wife catered to.

In the wake of DDay and after the affair was over, she is kind of awkwardly overt in her praise my musical abilities and seems to want to give me foot massages - something we rarely did before her EA, if ever. Again, she seems to be doing the opposite of what your wife is doing and I think my wife's motivation is to sanitize these triggers and stress to me that her affair involvement with her AP is over. As some people are saying above, at some level this doesn't seem to be the case with your wife.

Has your wife sent a 'termination letter' to her AP and has ceased all contact with him? It would seem essential.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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anthropoidape
billg3436 wrote:


Has your wife sent a 'termination letter' to her AP and has ceased all contact with him? It would seem essential.


uNo contact is essential in just about every case. A termination letter,  not so much imho. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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AnywhereButHere
You're right, Anthro. But I was thinking about this case where the wife's resolve seems questionable. The letter helps...even a somewhat Iame one like my wife wrote. And it did send her inquisitive AP scurrying back to his rat hole. She and I both appreciated that.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Keepabuzz
billg3436 wrote:
You're right, Anthro. But I was thinking about this case where the wife's resolve seems questionable. The letter helps...even a somewhat Iame one like my wife wrote. And it did send her inquisitive AP scurrying back to his rat hole. She and I both appreciated that.


I think that type of letter is valuable in certain situations, and would be less valuable in others. I don’t think every situation “requires” it. I feel the decision to send one or not should be 100% in the BS’s hands.  Mine sent a very short, blunt text to her former AP. Keep in mind she had ended her affair a month before confessing to me, but had continued to text him “as friends”. “Insert ENORMOUS EYE ROLL”. The text said this - “I have confessed to Keepabuzz. He knows everything we did. To even have the slightest chance of saving my marriage, I will be leaving my job at XXXXXX, and there will be no further communication between us.”  That was sufficient for me. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Keepabuzz wrote:


I think that type of letter is valuable in certain situations, and would be less valuable in others. I don’t think every situation “requires” it. I feel the decision to send one or not should be 100% in the BS’s hands.  Mine sent a very short, blunt text to her former AP. Keep in mind she had ended her affair a month before confessing to me, but had continued to text him “as friends”. “Insert ENORMOUS EYE ROLL”. The text said this - “I have confessed to Keepabuzz. He knows everything we did. To even have the slightest chance of saving my marriage, I will be leaving my job at XXXXXX, and there will be no further communication between us.”  That was sufficient for me. 


i agree, it’s in the BS’s hands. One of my requirements was that we contacted the woman and he had to “confess” to her also. She has no clue he was married, he was just a quick ONS for her as well (they didn’t even swap REAL names...) We has to wait until phone records came out to get her information again, so it took a month. I was in fear every time his phone went off not knowing if it was her texting him to say hi or ask if he was in town/wanted to party. 

I needed it. He confessed he was married, that he confessed to me that next day, that he badly regretted his decision, that he was a father, that he was a Christian (now under church discipline), and that he desperately wanted to save his marriage. And then, I wrote to her also. I needed that closure. I was kind and gentle, but I needed to speak for my hurt. She responded back with, “I am so sorry.” and then we went and changed his number. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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AnywhereButHere
My wife begged me not to contact her AP and I agreed. But told her that it was her responsibility to insure that he and I never bump into one another (it's a possibility given that she still works in the company he works in at a different location). If we ever do, I told her I have a ready list of 15 questions for him...mostly asking him to fill in blanks in their affair history that, conveniently, my wife just can't seem to recall.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Keepabuzz
My wife is very uncomfortable when we go out in public in the town we live in. She hides it well, but has told me on numerous occasions that she is very concerned about what I will do if we were to run into her former AP. I can’t say for sure what I would do, I think it depends on the day, and it depends on him.  On the right day, and if he immediately looked away and walked a different direction, I think I could ignore him. If it was the wrong day, and/or he looked me in the eye, or said a word, I would most likely commence to whipping his a$$. It is what it is. We will see when/if that day comes.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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