My husband had an affair which caused devastation but about a year ago, the affair over, he finally decided he wanted to stay and rebuild our marriage. Since then he has worked very hard to be kind and loving again, as he was before the affair. But he refuses to talk about it. After 18 months of pain and turmoil our relationship is back on track and I should be happy I suppose.
Our sex life has resumed mostly successfully, except that he can’t maintain an erection. He can get an erection but it just disappears at the critical moment! We find other ways to have fun and it’s lovely, but I’m afraid it’s psychological. Perhaps it’s because he feels guilty, but my darkest thoughts are that the awful things he said in our terrible time are actually true.
In the midst of his affair he told me I was like a sister to him, that there’d never been a spark for him, I wasn’t his type, he’d never truly loved me and he only stayed with me for our children. He has never taken those harsh words back, which is a daily struggle for me. If I ask him to he says he wasn’t very well then and he doesn’t feel like that now. But that still leaves me with 20 years of apparently having had a relationship with someone who was living a lie. So I can assume he could still be pretending and that his affair was a temporary blip where he lost self control. For all I know he could have really felt that way both before and after his affair, but decided that on balance he was better off with me and that true love wasn’t everything.
Unfortunately this has done a lot of damage to my self esteem and my belief in people. And possibly that is why he has erectile problems. I know it’s common in men of his age (mid 50s) and I understand that talking about it might make it more of an issue, but I wondered if anyone else had experienced something similar during reconciliation? If so, did it improve? I spend a lot of time wondering sadly if I should have just let him go and be happy with his ‘true love’. And that doesn’t help my self esteem either.