strength1 Show full post »
strength1
(the media appears to portray that every man is basically 3.5 seconds away from cheating   


I always thought that this portrayal was exaggerated.  Now, having had a man cheat on me who I would NEVER have thought capable of cheating, I don't think it's so exaggerated anymore. 
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notemanj

We did the hysterical bonding thing. And it was a hot mess! I cringe now to think about the things we got up to. 

Stength1, I agree with everything that has been stated here, so far. A little over 3 years out, we have a great sex life. But it took a long time to get there. And there are still times when HER ghost is in the room. At those times, I focus specifically on my body and my body alone. Blocking out anything but sensation. 

I would also like to suggest something a little different. Get a book about Tantric Sex. It comes at the act from a much different perspective that we normally think of. It involves building A LOT of trust, very slowly. And this is exactly what we need at this moment. The first step is to just look at each other. No touching whatsoever. It helped to slow down the crazy, hysterical bonding that was helping no one. 

I would also suggest that for awhile at least, you are probably going to have to initiate. As much as I’m sure you don’t want to, because right now you need him to prove that he is attracted to you beyond belief. I am guessing, however, that his affair as made him feel ashamed. And the idea of “forcing” something on you that you aren’t ready for makes him afraid that it will chase you further away. 

You both need to start talking about this. Often. You need to set a time, once a week, where you both sit down and discuss your sex life. (Not his and hers, but his and YOURS.) At first it’s going to feel like you are back in 6th grade sex Ed. And it’s painful. But you need to tell him exactly what you want from him. Exactly what you like from him. AND how to do it. For the majority of us, this was never something discussed. You just hopped into bed and let things flow. Now, things have changed and you need to go back to square one. The right way, I believe. It feels clinical and weird at first. But eventually, it will start feeling sexy. 

Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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SoUnUsual

strength1 wrote:


The scary bit is that I was never a person who trusted easily, and because I am an overthinker I am liable to looking for the holes in someone's story as they're talking.  H fooled me completely, so of course I can't help wondering if in fact he still is. 


My husband and I have been together for 21 years. I was always like low level suspicious. I was jealous at times so it surprised me when he lied to me for 6 months before I caught him. If he lied so well and slipped past my suspicious nature, how do I know he’s not lying now? 

 



Female BS - Together 21 years - 2 kids -  DDay February 16, 2020
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strength1
notemanj wrote:

I would also suggest that for awhile at least, you are probably going to have to initiate. As much as I’m sure you don’t want to, because right now you need him to prove that he is attracted to you beyond belief. I am guessing, however, that his affair as made him feel ashamed. And the idea of “forcing” something on you that you aren’t ready for makes him afraid that it will chase you further away. 



Thank you for some really useful advice. The need to know he finds me attractive is very strong. We are slowly, VERY slowly, progressing in the cuddling department.  I have made it clear that I'm ready to move to the next step, and he said we should let things happen naturally. But at the rate we're going, a snail will cross from Australia to Alaska before we're in bed again.   I don't feel like I should initiate, because part of me does wonder if he finds me attractive.  I think that physical intimacy would really help to bring us closer together, and it worries me that he's not able to see that.

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notemanj
I wouldn’t worry too much, yet. All of this is so painfully slow! And the WS is so painfully THICK about everything, it seems. Of course, that’s part of how they got themselves into the mess they made in the first place.  Please feel free to DM me if there is anything more I can offer. Sex was never taught to us as something you had to work at. Yet, here we all are and it becomes so very hard! Keep moving slowly forward. Don’t let things get you off track. And tell him. EVERY DAY until he gets it, that you need him to show you that you are desirable. I know that’s the last thing you want to do. But if he is going to step up and earn his place in your life, that is one MAJOR message that has to get through. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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notemanj
You don’t know if he’s lying now. That’s the problem. He has to work to get back to the point of you trusting him. This is your new normal. Trusting blindly is out the window. And if he’s up to the task of repairing your relationship, he will work to earn that trust back. By showing you everything. By not complaining about you tracking him with your phone. By checking in with you often throughout the day. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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strength1
Here I am again, 9 weeks after WS moved back in, doing well also on the emotional side. We are taking care of each other and he goes out of his way to help me and do things for me which he knows I like, such as bring me coffee in bed sometimes.  Sometimes there's a barrier to our communication, because he hates being vulnerable and does not engage in heart to heart conversations unless he absolutely has to.  We've also veeeeeeeery slowly got closer on the physical side, but apart from hugs, I sense that many times the initiative to touch his hand or things like that comes from me, and sometimes he reciprocates and other times not.     And no, we have got nowhere on the sexual intimacy side.  

So of course part of me feels that he's simply not attracted to me.  We're still sleeping in different bedrooms, he knows I'm ready to move on, and in 2 days it's our 21st wedding anniversary (of which he has made no mention).  I'm pretty lost... and I'm beginning to feel  very resentful, which sometimes comes out in our day-to-day communication.

All this comes after an affair which ended in January after lasting 2.5 years, most of it long-distance.   He says that he felt differently about me before the affair because he thought I had stopped loving him (something which is extremely hard for me to grasp, but then I realise that he's emotionally not intelligent, because of a difficult upbringing).   Now he feels terrible, probably for what he did to AP (who sold her properties and moved to our Continent thinking she'd found the love of her life), as well as what he did to me, and the moral-less person he had become.  Is feeling guilty about what you've done enough to stop you from seeking sexual intimacy with your spouse?? 

  I think he's still in a midlife crisis, although slowly getting out of it.   

So, there we are. Any recommendations, advice, sharing of experiences, welcome.
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notemanj

I do believe that yes, feelings of guilt can stop you from having sex with your spouse. But there is probably a lot more also going on in his head, right now. 

Are either of you seeing a counselor? You both should be. Individually. IMO, it is too early for a marriage counselor unless you are lucky enough to find one that not only specializes in infidelity, but also comes at the problem in a way that you are both comfortable with. 

You are still very early in recovery. Two years is the average, with some able to feel normal again in 1 year and others taking 5 or more. So, while you are needing this reassurance right now, he may be nowhere near ready to give it. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still find you attractive. Just that his head is still a mess. 

Without meaning to upset you further, it is possible (likely even) that he still has feelings for the AP.  Or at least thinks he does. I would say that they still long for the affair, regardless of the partner, because the affair is usually the exciting part. The partner seems to be, more often than not, just the convenient person that showed them attention. Who the AP is IRL is irrelevant to the situation. (Not that we BS’s don’t hate everything about them regardless.)

You may have read by now the concept that the affair acts like a drug on their brain. That doesn’t excuse the behavior, just to be perfectly clear. But it takes a very long time to get over addiction. The brain has to learn again how to find happiness in normal things without the rush of the drug. 

Are you both working through any of the classes offered here or elsewhere on reconciliation? You should be working through all of these things on a regular basis. While it may be great that he’s bringing you coffee in bed, there are much deeper issues that need to be addressed other than his not treating you right for the last however many years. 

He needs to address the real issues that allowed him to become involved with someone other than his wife. Oftentimes, like you have mentioned, childhood traumas need to be healed. Other psychological issues such as narcissism might play a role. 

I can’t speak for you, obviously, but I think it just may be too soon for you to expect physical intimacy. While you may desperately need it right now, it may be detrimental to your overall goal of a truly intimate relationship with your H at this point. Emotional intimacy really should be developed and strong before we move to the physical. 

Start shopping for a therapist. You need someone in your court that can help you through this traumatic time that isn’t also going through their own trauma. 

Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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strength1

An update.  So my beautiful husband who committed to recovery and was working hard alongside me was spending one night and day a week at the room he was renting before he moved back home in March. Turns out that not only was he still sharing the place with OW, but he also slept with her.  


All these months I’ve sought reassurance from him that he was alone, and he was able to look me straight in the eye and assure me that he was.   No wonder he’s not comfortable with sharing a bed with me, all that guilt in his head.

i found out my pure chance (Karma is a b*tch), but I had a gut feeling that there was still a barrier to our reconnection.  He now says he’s remorseful and relieved that I know.  

i am shell-shocked, because we’ve been doing such good work together. As for the OW, she knows he and I are trying to work it out. The sad bit is that H thought she was a weak soul, whereas in truth she is a master manipulator. 

i could strangle someone right now.

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BlindCheetah
strength1 wrote:

i could strangle someone right now.

I get that. Knowing they can look you in the eye and lie about being alone with a straight face is infuriating. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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ThrivenotSurvive

Please step away from your husband for a while. You need to get him out of your system for a bit.   You have been so committed to healing your marriage, so compassionate from the beginning.  

Your husband has shown a horrifying ability to lie in the face of that compassion, to continue to betray you even after he saw the pain he caused.  That says something EXTRAORDINARILY uncomfortable about him.  THINK about that - a lot.  

I am not sure your husband can be honest with himself - much less you.  You weren’t doing great work together.  YOU were doing great work with the image of him in your head.  The man you are living with is not that man.  Maybe he once was, but he isn’t now.  

She is a master manipulator- but that has actually been quite obvious from early on.  No one who is so “weak” moves away from everything they know for a married man in another country.  

But here’s the thing - he WANTS to believe it.  He wants to see her as an innocent victim.  

He wants to see himself as a victim of loving two women.  He’s not making the hard decisions.  He’s not showing ANY integrity.  He is absorbing her wanting and needing him. And then you doing the same.

I couldn’t care less about his shame right now because he’s protecting himself from loss and robbing both of you women of a future.  The level
of selfishness he’s been exhibiting is painful.  

He honestly does not in any way deserve you.  I am sorry he’s not smart enough to realize that.  

 

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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notemanj

I could not possibly agree with Thrive more. Send him right back to the place he has been sleeping 1 night a week. And change the locks on your doors. He can get a new key when he has earned it. 

This man is not a safe person for you right now. You are not going to feel safe or get closer the healing while he is in your presence. When he has shown himself to be doing the necessary steps to work toward recovery for himself, THEN and only then, would I consider having any conversation with him. At a neutral location. 


Keep returning here for support. We have your back. I know this is heart wrenching for you. You are stronger than you feel right now. 

Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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triplehooks
More predictable POS behavior.  I’m sorry Strength1 he is a manipulative @$$hole and you are better off getting his poison out of your system.
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hurting
I’m so sorry strength!! The pain of new discoveries is HARD... and ongoing betrayal even worse. Big hugs to you. Stay strong. I agree with Thrive... you need space from him. He isn’t doing you any good, and he has not made any of the changes he has claimed to make. 

You are far far too good for him. It’s time he saw that.
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