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Alive12
Angrywife - thank you for this post. I also struggle with this every time we are intimate. I have self esteem issues which I know were part of our marriage problems. But now knowing about the affair, I feel like I am being compared. That maybe he is disappointed afterwards. Of course he says he is not comparing and not disappointed but it is not easy to convince someone with low self esteem. Maybe someday it will go away, but for now it is extremely painful. I wish you success in overcoming those types of thoughts.
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Angrywife
Alive, it really is exhausting. I try to push those thoughts out and get my mind on something else. I also have self esteem issues bc of the affair and porn addiction. It still makes me angry at times that he's done this to me. He chose to break me down like this, someone he claims to love. I still want to leave at times, however I want my son to have a whole home if possible. And my husband is a good guy all things considered. I try to realize that we are all sinners and I am supposed to forgive and offer grace. I have failed in our marriage as well just not in the way he has. But know that you are beautiful just as you are and you don't need anyone to assure you of that.
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Negarcia
Ataloss and alive12

I also struggle with this as well being pregnant and also self esteem issues. I wish he wanted to have sex like I do but he told me that he has no desire that it's not me but it makes me feel like he is still being physical with the AP even though he says he's not.

It's so hard not getting any type of affection.
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Virtual
Urbanexplorer - Does that mean that the thoughts about your AP during sex are positive ones-like good memories or fond thoughts?

Angrywife- I couldn't agree more. It is exhausting pushing thoughts out of my head. I feel I have to constantly stop myself from thinking of them or from thinking 'why/how could he ...do this to me...to us". It's a battle in my mind that I've been having since DD almost 7 months ago. It's certainly gotten better, but I have a long way to go.
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Ataloss
Guilt Guilt - he stopped all affection in any way form DDAY. Nothing, not even and 'I Love you'.  Why?
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Guiltguilt
I was terribly ashamed. Why would she want me after my betrayal?

Virtual - the feelings I get now when she comes to mind is scared and sad. There's no pleasure in that.
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Angrywife
Ataloss it could be guilt, shame, fog. He may be angry if he was discovered and still in the midst of it.
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Keepabuzz
I have those same thoughts and images every time I'm intimate with my wayward wife. It makes it very difficult. Sometimes are harder than others, but it happens EVERY TIME. I'm just over 1 year from D-day. We also hyper bonded for quite awhile, but that has leveled back out over the last few months. I just recently told her about having these thoughts at these times. I had been keeping it to myself (I don't recommend that strategy). But since then we have only had a quickie in the shower. It feels really weird now. I know she will be worried the whole time about what is going through my head. It just kind of kills it for me. Not sure what to do.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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UrbanExplorer
Virtual wrote:
Urbanexplorer - Does that mean that the thoughts about your AP during sex are positive ones-like good memories or fond thoughts?


Definitely not. They are intrusive flashes of memory that make me feel dirty. It doesn't happen every time. I try not to let them grab my attention, like I would with thoughts that come up during meditation (let them fall away or blow away and bring my awareness back to the present moment).
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DestroyedDani
Keepabuzz wrote:
I have those same thoughts and images every time I'm intimate with my wayward wife. It makes it very difficult. Sometimes are harder than others, but it happens EVERY TIME. I'm just over 1 year from D-day. We also hyper bonded for quite awhile, but that has leveled back out over the last few months. I just recently told her about having these thoughts at these times. I had been keeping it to myself (I don't recommend that strategy). But since then we have only had a quickie in the shower. It feels really weird now. I know she will be worried the whole time about what is going through my head. It just kind of kills it for me. Not sure what to do.


Hi Keepabuzz,

I am too like you in the fact that anytime we are intimate, I cannot stop the thoughts. They pop in my mind at the most inopportune moments, even the times I REALLY don't want them to. I wish I could shut down that part of my brain that thinks, "Is this how he kissed/touched/etc her?" Even though my husband's affair was a one time meet with his AP, that was all it took to make me feel completely inadequate.

We always had a very active sex life, at least 3 times a week, and we also went through the whole hysterical bonding but over the last few months that has completely cooled off. For the life of me no matter how hard I try, it feels like "she" is always there, maybe not for him, but for me yes. Also, the fact that when it comes to looks, she is the polar opposite, has me wondering if my husband is even attracted me. I am smaller framed, almost petite, light hair and light eyes, she is a larger woman with dark hair, eyes, and soul! (She is a very unhappily married woman!)

My husband says that lately I have been growing cold and after reading what you have written, Keepabuzz, I am so afraid that these feelings won't get better, only worse.
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UrbanExplorer
Do you ask yourself those questions about previous partners your spouse had (before your relationship), or only about the AP?
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Angrywife
I have kept it to myself because I know he will feel even more awkward about sex if it happens at all. I know once that I told him that every time I saw his "manhood" that I thought about it. So he made it to where I never did. Covered it up in the bathtub even, and sex didn't happen. He made it worse. But it did and still does, and forget jokes about sex or body parts. Flashes me to bad thoughts every time. He knows none of this. I don't feel that it solely belongs to me anymore (not like property don't take me wrong).
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Angrywife
I'm also afraid that this will never get better for me, and I simply cannot live the rest of my life with this hanging over my life like a cloud.
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UrbanExplorer
Maybe EMDR therapy would help?

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/02/when-talking-about-how-your-spouse-cheated-on-you-makes-you-feel-worse/272892/
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Keepabuzz
Do you ask yourself those questions about previous partners your spouse had (before your relationship), or only about the AP?


UrbanExplorer,
Very very rarely. That what makes me feel like I a crazy person. Why can't I just view him as just another ex and move forward? Haunts me
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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