Heartbroken2015

Did anyone separate due to the affair and then reconcile?  We are currently separated and he wants to reconcile.   I moved out to a townhouse and we are selling our house.  He wants to sell house and move in with me to reconcile.  I'm worried that should it not be what I want (I'm still confused as to whether I want to give him a second chance), that our son will be hurt again.  He's doing well now with the separation and we attend his Saturday activity together & Sunday suppers (this is new and I thought it'd give me an idea what spending more time would be like).  I feel our son is better off if we remain separated longer until I'm more sure of my feelings but he wants to move in right away as I have my days when I don't want to reconcile (he feels without him being present he'll loose me forever but I feel it's too much pressure).

Any advice?

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Kalmarjan
I left my wife then reconciled almost a year later. I can say while it was tough on my son (who was 6 when I left and turned 8 when we moved back in together...

The thing to think on here is about what's best for your son, not necessarily for you. What he needs is stability and structure. He needs to know what is going to happen and when. For example in my case I had my boy on Tues and Wed. It became a thing where he would know that on Tues and we'd he would be coming over to my apartment.

Now, that said, there was also a period of adjustment when we reconciled... Because things were shook up, so he acted out in school. While it was good for my son that we reconciled, it was still hard on him because the routine had changed... So there is that to think of.

But, getting back to things... Your son needs that structure and predictability to be what he is, a kid. He needs to worry about when he is gonna play, not about whether mom and dad can get along enough that today he'll live here or there...

I hope that rambling helped.

Oh, I'm a product of 3 divorces, and one ended in suicide. I know first hand how confusing it is to be in the midst of a divorce.
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kaleidoscope7
Kal, I'm a product of 2, and the first was followed by my father's sudden violent death, so your post just made me cry. I'm sorry for your losses and grateful to hear how you and your wife managed your son's experience through the trials of your situation.

Heart, how long have you been separated, and what would it take for you to feel fully comfortable (as comfortable as we can be) with reconciliation and living together as a family again?
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E04355
We have been separated 3 weeks short of one year. Ànd we started the reconciliation process a few months ago. Everyone's situation is different, in my case it's been a lot of work and a lot of self growth on both of our parts. If it's something that you both want, then do it. If you feel that you need more time to think, then take that time. There is no need to rush things.
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Jennifer
My husband and I separated twice while going through this time. The longest time for separation was only a couple of weeks though. Once we had decided to work on things and try and re-build our marriage, he was not living in the home. I went through the same emotions described above and my initial reaction was to stay living apart and let him prove to me he was really trying. We have 2 kids and I did not want to have him move back in only to move out for a third time. My daughter was 5 years old at the time and all of this was very confusing to her.

With that being said, after talking with our counselor, I decided to let him move back in while we were working things out. I felt we had the best chance at success being together and I was able to start rebuilding trust since I knew where he was. If he was not living at home, I would have been more worried about where he was and who he was with when we weren't together.  I felt my husband was truly sorry for the mistakes he had made and was willing to do everything in his power to save our marriage. Had I felt he was not committed to the process I may not have let him move back in right away.

This is a very personal choice and there is no one right answer. Everyone needs different things and heals in different ways. So try and be patient with yourself and hopefully your husband will be respectful of whatever decision you make.
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Heartbroken2015

My husband asked for a separation (to me totally out of the blue) in April 2015.   We discussed the possibility and he always kept saying I didn't love him anymore even though I tried to reassure him this was not the case at all.   He worked long hours, our 5yr old is very high energy, I worked full time and was going to school part time.  So our "us" time was very limited.  I kept telling him he needed to help out around the house and with our son but he felt it was my "job" (his words not mine).  So over the next few weeks/month he became more distant and would totally ignore both of us (walking in other room and sleeping downstairs etc).   So I moved out end of June.

We went to couples counseling and he just kept saying he didn't feel loved by me, no matter what I said or did.   I am a very affectionate person and he is totally opposite (no hugging unless I initiate)..so I worked with our councilor to find what affection he needed in order to feel loved.   Both the councillor and myself asked him if there was someone else...he angrily protested NO - ABSOLUTELY NOT!

End of September we decided I should return home (the whole time we shared custody 50/50 and never argued over that about our son..we actually never argued over anything).   I had been staying at our home on weekends and 1-2x a week for about a month to ease the transition for everyone including our son.  On Sept 29th the day before I was to give notice at my apt and move home the following week...he kissed me goodbye to go to work and said he was so happy that we were working on our marriage.  He said it felt like a new start for us and loved me so much.   He got outside to drive to work and a FB message pops up on his computer.  He was messaging another woman in his truck in our driveway...wanting to meet up to kiss before work.   I WAS SICK!  I felt like I was going to faint and felt like my world fell apart.

I joined the message and probably said a few choice words..but I told him it was over and I wouldn't be moving home.   He rushed back home to talk to me.  I was so upset but couldn't say anything as I was still getting our son ready for school.   So long story short, I did not return home and we are still separated.   At first he told me it was just talking on FB but then he confessed in November that they had sex (he says only 1x).  I feel there is still more that he is not telling me and trying to minimize the relationship he had with her.  He said he only dated her as he didn't think I was coming home.  The messages went as far back as July and the whole time I was coming home on the weekends to work on our marriage he was telling her I was dropping in to fight with him over custody etc...all lies.

He has made many changes as far as I can see to being supportive with our son, he has never let him down and continues to share custody & care of him 50/50.   Before he wouldn't even spend 10mins with him alone and now takes him for an entire weekend.  He use to complain about my school work and now has shown support there too.  So I see him making changes.

My worry is there are more lies that he is hiding...I don't want to do it to our son again, he thought we were getting back together in Sept and then we didn't.  He broke down crying at school [frown] he is only 5 and this broke my heart.  We sought him councilling and his therapist says he is doing well and she doesn't think he is as upset as he originally was but its obvious he wants Mommy & Daddy back together.

When I think of reconciling I go to a bad place...think about the affair, all the lies, what life would be like (i.e.: would I continue to be jealous and what about our sex life, will I imagine him with her).   When I think about a life apart, I feel better for myself but worse for my son.   

I'm torn...but don't want to have an unhappy home nor do I want to reconcile for the wrong reasons.  I felt in Nov/Dec so hurt as I loved him so, but now I feel more like how could he do that to me when I loved him so much - so I wonder if my love for him is fading.

SORRY SO LONG [smile]

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UrbanExplorer
Heartbroken2015, I'm sorry you are going through this. As a person who had (and hid) an affair myself for almost a year, I agree with your suspicion that you might be getting the "trickle truth" from your husband and that something might have been going on when he first said he didn't feel loved by you. He probably fears hurting you more (maybe leading you to divorce him) by opening up about it. He probably does not want to end your marriage but is not clear-headed about the affair partner.
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Heartbroken2015
To be honest Urban, I'm not sure I wouldn't do just that - lean more towards divorce should I know that the affair was prior to the separation.   I might.   I feel that I am always looking for answers and don't know if I would ever be able to trust him fully.
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Kalmarjan
Heartbroken2015 - in a weird, stupid way, your WS may be trying to stop you from being hurt, but more often than not, it's more about being like a 5 year old child hiding their actions to avoid the consequences. In this case, it's clear that you will leave if it's come out the affair happened prior to your separation.

Your WS is trying to control things, but ironically doesn't understand that the only way for you to finally feel safe in this is if he rips off the bandage and gets to the final truth.

I understand completely why he would be like that. I hid one fact from my wife about my affair that I knew would devastate her. That is, until my AP threatened to contact her and tell her. So, I did instead.

I won't say things got better... it was really hard, but the healing became way easier, because there was nothing left to hide. I could focus on making things right again.
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Heartbroken2015

I've expressed to him the one part that is so hard for me to understand is the original request for separation and his disconnection from his family in those first few weeks or month.   I told him, he put the blame on our marriage that he didn't feel loved in it and he even said bizarre things during the therapy in the summer...ie he said I wasn't a good housekeeper, yet he complained that I always had to clean the house before bed (I am a very neat person almost to the point of OCD).   Then he says now that all that didn't matter that he did make our marriage in his head something it wasn't.   This is why I am wondering if it was happening prior.

I question him why the marriage was so bad he wanted a separation, then he has an affair and then realizes the marriage was what he wanted after all.   How can a marriage that you wanted out of be the marriage you want again?   

Without knowing everything I think I'll always have questions...thus won't be able to work on our marriage with always doubting everything he says or does.

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Kalmarjan
Wow... a LOT of things you write here mirror my reality back then. 

I learned that I valued my marriage because I came so close to throwing it away for good. 

And you are right, you will never go forward until you can feel safe enough to work on things. Man, I wish I could sell a wiffle bat that would knock some sense into WS. I'm sure I'd make a fortune! 
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Anna26
Kalmarjan wrote:
Heartbroken2015 - in a weird, stupid way, your WS may be trying to stop you from being hurt, but more often than not, it's more about being like a 5 year old child hiding their actions to avoid the consequences. In this case, it's clear that you will leave if it's come out the affair happened prior to your separation. Your WS is trying to control things, but ironically doesn't understand that the only way for you to finally feel safe in this is if he rips off the bandage and gets to the final truth. I understand completely why he would be like that. I hid one fact from my wife about my affair that I knew would devastate her. That is, until my AP threatened to contact her and tell her. So, I did instead. I won't say things got better... it was really hard, but the healing became way easier, because there was nothing left to hide. I could focus on making things right again.



Agree totally with this Kal.  My WS kept saying that he didn't want to upset me every time I found out something new...well duh...it upset's me anyway when I find out doesn't it ??
Think this is part of the reason he could never decide between me and her, someone had to get hurt.  So now he sits there, on his own, contemplating his own mistakes and seemingly no-one at the moment to share it with.

It is surely so much better to get everything out in the open once and for all and focus on the future, than to keep twisting the knife and re-opening old wounds.  It just sets everything back to square one.
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Heartbroken2015

I can see he does NOW see the value not only in our marriage but our family unit.   He was very distant, he never picked/dropped off our son at daycare, took his vacations separate etc.   His family is much like this...very disconnected emotionally (you never see them hug or kiss or spend 'real' quality time together).  I come from a big french family where we hug/kiss for every and any reason LOL.

So I've seen a big change him there.   I can see he's trying to support us in anyway he can which encourages me there is still something left of the marriage/family.   I feel we are better partners as parents because of all of his growth!

However, we use to have this great physical connection (great sex) that I always felt was our way of reconnecting as a couple.   Now that he has introduced someone in between us I feel some of that great connection is lost as well.    It all just seems like a big mess UGH.   so yes put my name down for a wiffle bat [wink] LOL

 

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Graceandhope
My husband pulled back from the family and then didn't feel part of the family. Well...duh but I don't say that I just acknowledge what he says and how he says he felt. It's taken many conversations to get through this mess.

I had to o tell him straight up where I was. I knew they had sex and we weren't separated. You need to decide if that really via a deal breaker for you. But based on what you have said it sounds like it. But the other question I have for you is does it really matter if he had sex before a given date or is the fact he was waist deep inappropriate relationship enough?

I had to tell my husband that I know it's difficult to talk about but I have a really good imagination and if you leave it up to my imagination you never know what I will come up with. If you tell me the truth, knowing that I don't know if I will be able to get past it, it shows that you are choosing to trust me and make the choice to be on my side/our side instead of with her. But I also knew if he did t start talking I /we wouldn't make it through this together.

Honestly it still took a few conversation, but every step he made towards me helped for me to continue to try..

And yes I also reminded him that most things eventually come out, if you hide things and they come out later, I will assIke that it is actually worse and there is more to come.
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VoodooChild

I've expressed to him the one part that is so hard for me to understand is the original request for separation and his disconnection from his family in those first few weeks or month.   I told him, he put the blame on our marriage that he didn't feel loved in it...



This is difficult for me to understand or accept as well. I didn't understand why at the time, but he seemed completely out of reality seeing only negative things and completely ignoring good things about the marriage such as focusing on my frustration with his ex wife and some step parenting issues as signs that his children didn't feel loved despite the fact that I did many things that were far outside of my step parenting duties like planning a birthday party for the youngest in her home town 2 1/2 hours away because she'd never had one, making arrangements to have dental appointments during the short amount of time we had them, taking them shopping, looking for legal assistance to retain custody when the oldest decided she wanted to live with us, etc. All of hear things happened during the time period hat he believed that I didn't like his girls and they didn't feel loved. It was like he was completely delusional and it was devalidating that he completely ignored anything good about me. During the last few months he seemed to snap into reality after I became upset and pointed these things out but he reverted back to the negative view frequently. It was like he had no idea who I was as a person-even though he used to really respect and admire my character traits. I wasn't sure who he was anymore either. The man I married saw me very differently than the man who couldn't find anything positive to say about me. I know now that he needed to do that to justify having the affair. What I know about my WS is that he had been emotionally involved with her for months prior to this shift. The closer he got to her and the greater the desire for her, the more out of touch he was with the reality of our marriage. It took a lot for me to get to the truth. It wasn't until Mid this month that I finally got the full truth. Everything else came out in trickle effect. Initially he told me that they only talked on the phone...every few days. Then I found out from her, the trashy OW, that it was way more...sexual, emotional, he said terrible things about me to her, they talked about marriage, having a house together, etc. he claims that he told her whatever he needed to so that the "attention" didn't go away. Then after a few months she became very invested and threatened to come tell me what was going on so he would again tell her whatever he needed to. That may be true. He was a very broken person. He'd suffered a loss of identity in a 15 year career. He felt betrayed and lost by men and woman he considered above his family. If they could hurt him...couldn't I? It doesn't make anything that happened okay. It doesn't give back my sense of safety and security in him or the marriage. Even having the answers, while I understand it, it doesn't ease my pain. It doesn't give back the confidence I had in myself or the feeling of being "special" as his chosen partner. We've been working with Tim via Skype and that helps a lot. I don't know of any other therapist more capable of navigating through such a painful and complicated issue. My WS is really trying. He's more insightful than I've ever seen him and really learning who he is. My marriage is over. I don't know what to call what we are now. I love him, we're working to get to good place, I just don't know what that is.
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