TimT
I'm writing a manual of important steps for betrayed spouses to take after learning about the affair. If you a personal example that helps illustrate this point, whether positive or negative, please post it here. Anyone can post here, but if you are a forum member (so I have access to your email) and your quote is used in the book, I'll send you a free copy once it's released.

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Have you had counseling to help with affair issues? Did you go alone or together? Did it help? (Why or why not?)
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HonestWife
Find someone trained in affairs and is pro marriage (if you want to save your marriage). There are a lot of counselors who hurt more than help. Find someone who knows about sex addiction if there is porn involved too. Also if you've ever been concerned your cheater drinks too much, have an alcohol expert do an assessment.
Trying to make marriage work after my husband's 15 years of affairs. Just found out. Currently in house separation.
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PainfulGrace
I first sought counseling after the affair was discovered... we went together a couple of times and then my husband stopped so I continued a few sessions on my own.  After he seemed to be invested in repairing our marriage we sought out a different counselor and went together until we separated, now I continue to go alone.  The first counselor focused primarily on me being a victim and the pain my husband was inflicting on me by having an affair... there were good intentions, but even in the sessions that I went to alone, there was more looking back into past behaviors and things I went through or experienced, rather than looking forward beyond the affair or how to heal from it.  The second counselor has been much more helpful- even when we were going together, the conversation was centered around what story we want our lives to tell, rather than the stories we have already told.  It was never a blame game, although the counselor doesn't downplay the magnitude of the wayward spouse's actions.  There is a good balance of taking responsibility, but not focusing so much on the devastation.  It has helped me a great deal, because it isn't something where I feel like a victim.  There is more focus on growing and becoming the individual I want to be beyond this, how to heal and move forward, whether or not my marriage is intact. 
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Marnie
Qualified is an operative word. I agree to seek counsel with those who share you end goal. I chose to seek counsel prior to telling my husband that I knew of his affair. I was berraged with questions about why I thought he did it from a man who divorced, I was played devil's advocate by a woman who left her marriage. I was was told I had to decide what I was going to do and move on, within months of finding out of my husband's 5 year "marriage" to a coworker. They celebrated anniversaries, and travel to conferences while I took care of the newborn and 3 yr old, and worked 40 hrs a week with no time off post mat leave.
2 years later and still waiting for answers I struggle. I am not healed and I am trying to undo the damage done by others along the way. Here is what I know
1. Step one for counselling is to support you with your grief. You have to grieve the death of the marriage you knew. Society doesn't have a catch phrase for this one ("sorry for your loss") it gives you guilt and shame.
2. Find counselling for post traumatic stress. The "triggers" that folks so politely talk about can be more like morters going off. They can leave you in a deep dark hole and no one knows how to help you.
3. Medicate early if you feel you need it. It can help but seek a caring doctor, my preference now would be for an O.D. rather than MD. They at least have some training in the idea of whole person.

In hind sight I would currently carry less pain if I had been able to grieve and if my husband would not have blamed me for a year, and would show respect to me by responding to my requests, acting of our money spent on her, a letter that he would have given her to end the relationship ( he "ended" it prior to my finding out), and to give me the complete timeline. I don't think I really want to know what the date of the anniversary they celebrated was, but it would be interesting to know the anniversary of what.

Sorry I am still angry but I am working on understanding what I want out of life and who I want to be regardless of him. I don't know if I stay because I am scared to be alone or just because I have always wanted to grow old with this man and I still do.
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TimT
Marnie wrote:
... Find counselling for post traumatic stress. The "triggers" that folks so politely talk about can be more like morters going off. They can leave you in a deep dark hole and no one knows how to help you...

I refer many of my BS clients to my wife, Sharon, for individual EMDR Therapy. I would encourage anyone still stuck in past pains or traumas (especially tied to a specific event) to consult with an EMDR therapist in your area.
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Damot

I can vouch for EMDR. I actually started on it for years of built up PTSD prior to D-Day. For PTSD it has been great as much as I thought how such a thing could work but until the next day I realized that it had worked on the specific event that I was dealing with at that time.  Sure the memory wasn't gone and I could recall it but not as vividly and without the images attached to it. It is harder to think about that incident and like there is a mental block when I try to picture the images.

Unfortunately I have a couple of years to go to work through my list of events and didn't need my wife adding this to the mix.

Since DDAY there has been a mixture of the original PTSD issues and some issue with my WS.  I really think it has calmed my thinking about some of the issues and don't find myself angry towards the WS or AP, not that I was really every angry with the AP.

Damot

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