It's so difficult to manage recovery in solitude. Did you seek out support from anyone else? Where have you found good support? Were you disappointed in any efforts for support?
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During a college breakup years earlier  I learned the hard way that keeping something like this to yourself only made things worse. So I decided to try something different this time. I reached out almost immediately to others. First with my family and then with some selected friend. The one place I was really surprised by how ultimately helpful it was came from reaching out at my church.

I found out about my wife's affair on a Thursday evening. It was well into the next day when we finally went to sleep and then continued talking until about noon on Friday. Within about 36 hours of the discovery, I was scheduled to go to week three of a men's group at my church on Saturday morning. The series title was "How to be Her Hero (subtitle: How Not to Suck As A Husband). As you might imagine, I was mixed about attending a meeting that was focused on improving your relationship let alone talk about how you could improve as a husband.

However, I decided to attend that Saturday. It was one of the best decisions I made out of the whole process. I spoke to my table lead before the session. I had known him all of 4 hours spread over the past two Saturdays. He was the first person outside of my direct family that I told. He was essentially a stranger. I explained to him at a high level what was going on and that I might be quiet this week. As expected he completely understood.

Not as expected, his warmth and caring response lifted a huge weight that I can't even describe exactly what it was. He listened and expressed true sorrow for me. He gave me a name of a pastor at the church he thought would be good for me to talk to and thought the pastor could provide some names if I wanted to meet with a counselor. He then ask if he could pray for me. This was the first of three times in the first week someone asked if they could do that for me. I don't actually remember anytime in my past where someone really prayed for me right there in the moment. It was new and odd. He said a prayer out loud to me while we sat in the church lobby. I was shocked by the level of love I felt in that moment. Not from the table lead himself but just a general feeling of love. Given where I was at with things, that was the last thing I expected. 

I finished the entire 6 week of the men's group. It turned out to be one of the best things I did. Three of the other men at my table had been through divorces themselves and had been happily remarried spanning anywhere from 5-20 years. Their words of encouragement as I become more open with what was going on in my life was extremely helpful in the first month. The topic of the men's group also ended up being the perfect topic oddly enough for me. As I started beating myself up over things I could've, should've done, I sat listing to speakers and other men talk about the same/similar challenges. Hearing over and over that it was not just me that "didn't do X or Y" made me realize that although I could have been a better husband, I was by no means a bad one or to be blamed for my wife's decision to cheat. There were some hard moments in those weeks but I came away in a much better place than where I started and I believe in a better place than if I had skipped out on the meetings.

That first Saturday of taking a risk by showing up for something that truly seemed pointless at the time and then being venerable in front of near strangers really helped me realize reaching out to others was not a weakness but a strength. As I went through the pain over the next several months this realization helped me more times than I can count. 
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When my first DDay happened twelve years ago I was a mess and couldn't hold back from telling almost everyone I knew. I found out who my friends were.....and who weren't. Honestly, very, very few were supportive and most just disappeared from my life. So, eight months ago on DDay #2, I was very selective about who I told and when. Only one of my family members knows. Unfortunately, that family member has become distant ever since, even though I was her support for years in her life situations. Thankfully, a person I really wasn't all that close to sought me out because she could just tell there was something not right. It turned out that she has been through this before and has been a huge support for me. She helps me think of things from a different angle at times and doesn't judge me for the decisions I have made over the years. I am so thankful for her!
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I want to tell everyone and shout it from the house tops too but I keep reading that it is a very bad idea so I sit here alone in my pain
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I want to tell everyone and shout it from the house tops too but I keep reading that it is a very bad idea so I sit here alone in my pain

You’re not alone here. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Agreed. It took awhile for me to find someone that felt would be supportive and not judgmental.
seek counseling, it does help, if you find a good one.
be encouraged, you are far from alone
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I want to tell everyone and shout it from the house tops too but I keep reading that it is a very bad idea so I sit here alone in my pain

Not sure where you are reading that but I think it is not necessarily correct.  This is NOT your secret to keep. 

If you were beaten and left in the ICU for weeks would you feel the need to "protect" your abuser from the consequences of his actions?  I sure hope not. 
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I told everybody and anybody my husband was a W⚓️..👍

You can wrap a turd in tin foil cover it with glitter and spray it with Chanel, it’s still a turd

Expectation is the root of all heartache.. ’Will Shakespeare
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I kept it from my family and only told two close friends for the first couple month. I was ashamed and felt embarressed that it had happened to me. i felt like I failed. I felt responsible for the perfect picture that the world had of us and that now was broken. I mean we were the perfect couple. Together since highschool, raising our 4 kids, great job, house. Life was good so I felt ,as arogant as this may seem, that this would only happen to others not us. Well I was sooo blindsighted, when it did happen to us so wrong. And I learnt that infidelity was a lonely place. No one that hasn't experienced it, understands that this isn't something temporary but that it will follow you permantly first like a heavy backpack and later like a distant shadow but it will never go away. friend and family far too often have an opinion of their own and its either one of two, get over it and move on or you should run for the hills. And when you try to communicate your struggles you get responses like: It has been two month now, you really need to look ahead and not back, think about your children, don't give it so much thought....or if you are still struggling maybe its time to contact a lawyer. So the first weeks I pulled back from family and friends, I deleted my fb as I felt it was all a fake. Sand I started reading. The first book I read, (How do I ever trust you again, by Andrew G. Marshall), became the stepping stone for my recovery. Throught the book I learnt, that I wasn't alone in this. I had so many questions, so I contacted the Author and became part of his support group, which became a life line and which brought  me to this site here. Knowing that other people walk the same journey and we start walking beside each other, was a huge comfort. People that really understand me, validate my feelings but also challenge me on my thoughts, have been tremendously helpful in healing and now having walked that path for a while, I can start to be that comfort for somebody else, who just started it. I firmly believe that no one should walk this alone, be ashamed or keep quiet. I get anoyed every time there is a movie, which has infidelity in it and to be honest there are A LOT but in most of them infidelity is portrait as cute because guy cheats on his longterm partner to start a new relationship with his lost love, or guy cheats because he felt rejected or lonely but actually really only wants the one person he has been in a relationship with and she takes him back with open arms and all is peachy and rosy no word of the struggles, of the pain and the devastation a BS feels. Its beeing seen as if its not a big deal and you get over it in no time. Its socially accepted... If I could and would have the money, I would sue the whole movie industry for that. Anyway bottom line, infidelity is something that needs to be talked about and not swept under the carpet period.
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Our own daughter upon her first reaction to her dads infidelity wondered what I did or didnt do that caused him to cheat and even though she knows he is emotionally abusive. She wrote a hit song about the emotional abuse she received from her dad called Whats Left Inside by her band Conquer Divide. Her song hit #33 on neilson rock radio charts in the fall of 2016.   Then she told me I should leave him and then she said since I decided to stay for now that she did not want to hear about it. I dont really blame her though cuz that is her father and who wants to hear about their own dad having sex with someone 13 years their junior having sex with their dad eewwee yuck gross she kept saying and also that his affair partner needs a pysche evaluation. Our daughter is a nurse and she diagnosed his affair partners abusive father with manic depression and bipolar when she met him one time.  He happened to be in the manic state the day she met him and he told her that he has a bad heart and he cant get out of bed for 3-5 days.  2 years later the affair partners dad was diagnosed by a doctor with both of these conditions. 

Most of my family will tell me to leave him if I tell them what he did and lots of other people treat you like the plague because they think it will rub off on them. I have read and read about people telling their family and friends and lots of families are not supportive and blame the victim or they want you to divorce the cheater and they ignore or dump you if you don't leave. So I am not decided how this will turn out much depends on his actions not his words. And I humor myself that even if he does all the recovery work and gets to a better place I will eventually divorce him anyways after I spend all of our savings so we dont have to split it and that could take me a few years. Right now that is how a feel but feelings often change so maybe in a year or two if he can rise to the challenge and get help but again how does a 62 year old man set in his ways change? Maybe he never will. He keeps saying it would never have happened if she had not moved in but he is the one that pushed for her to come live with us and he was the one having a secret emotional affair via chats online with her before she moved in. Thanks for listening. I found an al non group that i am going to go to next week. It is only about 15 minutes away but he is in such denial about his alcoholism that he does not think I belong there. Oh well, if he does not like it he can leave me.  I also think that it would be so much easier if he left me and then he would be at fault for divorcing me so if I drive him batty enough then he will get tired of me and leave. So sometimes I really push his buttons. Okay I confess we were arguing and he attacked me for getting upset with our son which I very rarely do. SO I told him why dont you man up and tell our pastor what you did to me before you go in his office and start telling him what to preach. His my husband has big gonads for committing adultery keeping it a secret and then going into a pastor office and telling him about Bible doctrine as if he knows it all. WOW makes me want to vomit when I think of his boldness with the pastor after he just got done screwing an 18-22 year old for 3 years behind my back. I really want to tell the pastor but then he will quit going to church if he finds out what i did. and he really needs to be in church.
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It is not about protecting my cheater. It is about protecting me and my loved ones!  Everyone has an opinion about infidelity and how the betrayed should respond and if you don't respond the way they think you should then you lose friends and relatives because when a spouse cheats it hurts everyone in the family not just the immediate family. My sisters for example would be devastated if they knew what he did so why tell them and cause them grief. I couldnt protect my kids our son still lives at home and our son told his sister about it. Our daughter did not want anyone in the family  to know prior to her wedding so I have not told anyone but if in a year or two he does not get himself together and I have to leave him then maybe I will let my family  know why I had to leave so they would understand the break up. I told my doctor and got tested for stds. I never promised him that I would keep it a secret either. I told his brother and his brother never told him that he knows and its has been a year and a half. I also dont feel I owe it to my husband to let him know who I told. His brother asked me if I was going to tell him that he knows and I said maybe in 3 years the length of his affair I will let him know and then again maybe not. Last week, I told 2 waitresses at the restaurant that we frequented for several years because they are not family members and it felt good to talk about it. Everyone always tells me to dump him and I am crazy for not dumping him pronto.  I prefer to wait and see if the marriage survives or not before I tell family and friends.  I have read of couples who made it to the other side with a better marriage and they all had in common a cheater who took initiative and stepped up to the plate and told  their pastors and other people in their lives about how they cheated. So maybe after he reads about their stories he will one day get the courage to do likewise. but I am not holding my breath. He has a long way to go and bad coping skills stemming from being raised by an alcoholic father with PTSD from WWII.
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