I hear you here. It's like you are being pushed back and forth!
The truth is, the marriage you had before is gone. He killed it. So, all the "old ways" he used to act are gone. As hard as it may be, remind him of that.
There is nothing wrong with laying out some clear boundaries here. Don't allow yourself to be treated badly, period. At this point, remind him of the "second date rule."
In other words, if you or him were to be treated like you were on your first date, would you ever go out again? Would you have called for a second date?
The situation here is that he has to work towards regaining your trust and confidence. Reverting to the way he was pre affair isn't winning him any awards.
Be upfront with him, and lay it out. For the foreseeable future, it won't be acceptable for him to do this. Things won't go back to the way they were, and he has absolutely no control over this.
You get to decide. Let him know that if he treats you like this, then all bets are off.
Then you can suggest a new way to start off. Perhaps on your new marriage.
I know that the marriage we had is dead but is his "fog"so foggie that he is not even trying to be like he was before,he is being this complete stranger. That some times leans in to kiss me and sometimes holds my hand and sometimes talkes about a future together. A nother thing is that i feel like he is not even trying to gain my trust. He is just here and then gone when i ask him simple questions like are you working today or tomorrow he is always so defensive and his answers are "why do you want to know" and this was "just"an emotional affair with an ex girlfriend that is in another country. I cant imagine what he would be like if it had been a physical affair. But then again i dont know where he is half the time. He has always told me he has never needed to been with anybody physically that i was "it" for him because he "loves"me but who knows now
In a lot of respects, I believe an emotional affair is more damaging than a physical one. It's hard to know where the line is there...
It seems like a defensive response from your WS, and he maybe feels like he has done nothing wrong.
There will be a lot of tough conversations coming up here. He may or may not have been physical, but in honestly, it doesn't really matter to you, right?
This is why it is important to establish the boundaries here. Bottom line, is the situation he had with this other person okay to you?
He needs to understand that. Period.
Then the real work can begin.